In Sickness and In Health

Sleep

Lili POV

"I'm never letting go Lili, you know that." Cole says hugging me tight and rubbing my back with his tender care.

I have just been told the cancer has spread to my brain and I have been told it's terminal unless I choose to have this surgery that the cancer could be obliterated and I could recover completely from it. I have chose to have the surgery because I want to have a chance at living no matter how small it is. There is a very large risk of me dying midway through the actual surgery. 

But in the end it isn't dying that scares me but pain. If I don't wake up in the morning I will know nothing of it. I grieved for the loss of life I would should have had with them months ago, I cried until my eyes ran dry and my chest heaved violently. I'm not over it. I never will be, we will never properly prepared for death. I wanted to see my younger sister Tess graduate college and my niece Adeline grow up and start high school see my sister raise kids , have kids of my own and be with Cole until we were both an old married couple in a retirement home one of us deaf and the other with Alzheimer's but still hopelessly in love. But that doesn't seem like it's going to happen now, I have accepted that I have been called home before I was ready to come. But I have stopped asking "Why me?" I have stopped raging at God. He works as fast as he can thought the scientists and doctors, I know. It just wasn't fast enough for me. I am ready.

I'm lying on the hospital bed with Cole squeezing my hands tightly.  I haven't said a word since Dr Garcia gave us the terrifying news, I have just been crying hysterically. Cole has just been comforting and consoling me, telling it's all going to be okay even though I know myself that he is truly petrified. I can feel his quivering body through his display of affection. Cole is a bag of nerves, I know how hard is must be for him. This year has just been me in and out of the hospital non stop. I remember when myself and Cole were at a farmers market in New Jersey I felt a little faint and fans had seen myself and Cole and wanted a photo and I didn't mind at all but I felt truly miserable. I was too warm due to the hot weather,I had bags underneath my eyes so I wore sunglasses and I was wearing a light cotton dress because my legs to were too feeble to wear jeans. That day was possibly the lowest I have ever felt because all these dedicated fans wanted a photo with the two of us but I was feeling so lethargic and I'm sure they saw that in the way I was acting. But unfortunately I couldn't just come out with the "I have Cancer" card but Cole was loving about it he just said after the first few photos, " that's enough for today," he knew that I was feeling like crap and he was being so thoughtful.

The surgeon who is performing my operation, Dr Will Hawker came over to introduce himself about fifteen minutes ago. I suppose that was to put me at my ease before preforming the operation on my brain , but all I could think of is what he'd look like in a mask and gown as he cut my head  open. I wondered if he'd feel remorse if I died on the table, or if that was all in a days work for him. His words washed over me like a bucket of cold sick and I felt nauseous to the pit of my stomach. Then with a smile that was supposed to reassure me he asked if I had any questions. I supposed that 'Is there any way to avoid surgery?' had already been answered countless times, so I shook my head. Whereas Cole had plenty, like the risks of the operation, how often has the procedure been performed and many others.

Poor Cole seems to be awfully keyed up over the whole thing I guess I've just come to terms with it. My parents are flying over today, Cole rang my mom this morning and they are due to arrive at around three and it's just coming up to midday and I'm due to begin at around one. So for mean time I just with Cole, he is currently on the phone to his dad talking about me, every time I cough, move or do anything he immediately turns his head to make sure I'm okay.

I look up at the clock and it's just five to one as soon as I look back down Dr Hawker comes back and informs me that they are ready for me to make my way to the surgery room. I kiss Cole goodbye holding back my tears. He's crying himself. We finally break away from each other, I wipe my face and give Cole one last hug. I grab my bag and I make my way to the room walking alongside Dr Hawker and a few nurses. We go through the navy blue doors they swing behind us and I make my way to the room and I take out a few envelopes out of my handbag and give them to Dr Hawker.

"Please give this to my parents and to Cole, thank you." I say as the tears stream down my face.

I hop onto the bed and the I'm handed my mask. "Okay miss counting down from ten," says a nurse as she hands me over the mask.

"Ten, nine," I say wide awake taking in a deep breathe.

"Eight seven six" I say in a yawn, my eyes closing slowly.

"Five four three..." and I'm under, in the land of unconsciousness. Not knowing what the hell is going to happen to me during these eleven hours...

Hey guys, hope you enjoyed the chapter.
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Lots of love
L 💗