In Sickness and In Health

Fear

Cole POV

I wake up to the yapping of Theo, he's lying down at the end of the bed barking. Myself and Lili slept in separate bedrooms after we had a fairly heated argument last night. She came home drunk and disoriented and when I confronted her on the matter, she gave out to me and I gave out to her , some words were said that neither of us meant but a certain thing that she said really surprised me. She commented about me smoking and how dangerous it is for my health.

Over the years she has mentioned me that smoking is an awful habit before, but last night was the first time I ever saw her snap about it, I knew it bothers her that I smoke but never to this extent. I guess its just her insecurities just building up, I would like to quit but its really not that simple.

I get out of bed and make my way downstairs to kitchen , it's silent far too silent there is an ominous feel to the house, I call Lili's name.

"Lili? Lili , Lils are you there?" I shout out but no response, I race upstairs and check every room, no sign of her, I run back down the stairs and begin to panic when I notice a sheet of paper on the coffee table in the living room, it is handwritten. In Lili's handwriting.

Meet me at The Coffee Club for ten,
I have something to tell you
Lili

I read it, I'm scared ,anxious and confused.  Is she leaving me , what does she want to tell me? Every possible situation and scenario runs through my brain. I check the time it's 9:21, I go back up stairs have a quick shower and get changed and come back down the stairs, I feed Theo and get a taxi to The Coffee Club.

A small independent coffee shop where Lili and I had our first coffee in New York while in the midst of house hunting and dealing with sneaky realtors.  We used to go regularly for their sublime bacon and sausage paninis and their creamy cappuccinos. But now we hardly ever go.

The Coffee Club  is much better then any chain Coffee shop such as  Starbucks. It is a family run business and we are even on first name basis with all the staff. There's the owner, Maya Donahue a retired nurse who moved to New York after her husband Tony died and decided to set up a coffee joint with her two children Adam and Lydia. Adam is now living in Queens with his girlfriend working as an accountant but still works the odd shift here and there.

Lydia is following in her mothers footsteps and hopes to begin studying to be a nurse in college as a mature student next fall. She did a year of some sort of web design course in a community college back home in Minnesota but dropped out as it wasn't really her thing. So in the mean time she works here, with her mother and the two other staff Tracey and Aubrey.

I enter the coffee shop and scan around the room for Lili. I see her, her head is crouched over as she is reading something I can't see what as she has her back to me. I walk down to her and sit opposite her in the pastel blue painted chair, she lifts her head up and Tracey comes down so I order our usual two cappuccinos and two bacon and sausage paninis one with a piece of hash brown on the side for Lili. Tracey goes off and myself and Lili are left alone together once more.

Lili lifts her head up and hands me an envelope, "Just read and I will explain," she says as I begin to sweat, what is she giving me? Divorce papers? I take it off her and read. The words lymphoma , cancer , immediately and thirty five percent catch my eye, I look up at Lili she's gone all pale and and has tears in her eyes.

"How long have you known?" I ask trying to hold my back my tears.

"Since yesterday, I went to Dr Wilson today and em He advised me to start treatment as soon as but I mightn't even  bother,"she says letting out a sigh.

"Why Lils, why? Because it's only a thirty five percent chance you'll live, let's take that thirty five percent, come on Lili your a strong girl, I'm here to support you and care for you but you will fight it! Do you remember when you got ill last February. You fought that!" I say trying to comfort her and clutching her hands and trying to convince myself that she'll be fine but deep down, I'm terrified of losing her. The tears are streaming down my face now but I try and sniffle them away. I feel so incredibly guilty as yesterday all she wanted was a hug and a kiss but all I did was shout her down.

"But Cole that was only a stupid cold,this is can.." she tries to say cancer but I stop her and tell her its only a few cells misbehaving and that we can control it to the best of our ability. I ask her has she told her parents yet, she shrugs who shoulders to which I assume means she hasn't and that's when the tears start.

"Hey, hey don't worry Lili, I'm here, ring them now"I say giving her phone that is on the table. She dials the number,

"Hi mom, you there, yeah I'm good... actually I'm not" she begins sniffle once more. "I'm sick, I have Lymphoma, it's a form of cancer, stage three yeah, No it's fine you don't need to call over, yes I've told Cole don't worry we'll call down next week and explain all and yes mom I promise , I love you," she hangs up the phone , the tears are streaming down her face. I get out of my seat and bring it over to Lili to sit beside her.

"Hey, hey don't worry I love you and I'm here for you"I throw  my arms around her and she cries again but this time hysterically, I can't really blame her but my heart is also breaking. We eat our breakfast in silence and walk in silence back to the house, as neither one of us want to say the dreaded 'C' word, she heads into bed with Theo cuddling up beside her, I bring her up a cup of tea she's sound asleep, I place the cup of tea down and lie beside her so she will have someone beside her when she wakes up.

I finally understood what people have meant by fear, you fear losing the love in your life, fear being abandoned and misunderstood. There's a lot of fear in you actually, mostly manifesting as anxiety and pain. You find the world confusing. You know it's messed up and you don't know what to do about it. You feel powerless to make a difference that's how I feel right now , powerless unable to help Lili, I want to be strong , I need to be strong for her but I'm frightened myself of losing my darling wife but all I can do is be there for her as I know she will need and want me at her every call and right here and then, I make myself a promise, I am going to give up the cigarettes not just for Lili but for my own sake as it really is killing me.

Hey guys, part ten of the fanfic! Hope you enjoy! It killed me writing this. Love you all
L ❤️