s e r e n d i p i t y

Float ⚓ Sixteen

float ⚓ sixteen

I find myself staring at her burnt out frame,

we are camping near the highway for the night.

I didn't ask her to help me today.

I didn't ask because she hates it. I know she dislikes it.

You thought I didn't, didn't you?

She looks particularly fragile tonight. 

I'm not taking care of her, not properly atleast. I love her, but I'm too incompetent to show it. I curse at my mother. I curse her for that day.

Why did you do it?

Because I never loved you! I hear her scream in my mind. I scratch at my head.

I  hate you! I hate you because I cannot love properly!

I hate you because I make her life a living hell!

Die!

I confess, I hope you're dead.

Are you okay Seth? She asks cautiously from a distance. It breaks my heart to see that she always has to be cautious around me, and it breaks me even more to realise that she knows when I am upset.

Please, I whisper, losing myself. Or am I losing you? Please don't be afraid. Please don't hate me. I want to cry, but I supress hidden tears.

She stumbles up and rushes to my side, grabs my head with her hands and kisses me everywhere. I find that I want to smile, but the corners of my mouth will not touch my eyes.

I don't hate you. She begins to cry. Oh Seth, I don't hate you.

I love you. I tell her. And I mean it. I love you so much.

I love you too. She sniffs, I relax.

She loves me...

We sleep, holding each other.

And for the first time, I don't dream of my mother.