Afraid ϟ hoodings

1: Who i am

So basically, my name is Calum Hood. I’m 18 with mainly no friends. If you include all the fake friends I’ve made throughout my whole life, then I guess you could say I’m popular. But honestly, I’m the loneliest loner you could ever get, and ask for.

I live alone unfortunately. My parents died when I was only young. I only had my sister, until she ended up betraying me, and moving to a different state. So yeah. Again, I’m the loneliest loner, you could ever get, and ask for.

I’ve been through lots of struggles in the past. And some still bother me now. Like my bully. His name is Luke. Luke Hemmings. You honestly couldn’t ask for a more beautiful person. His blue eyes suit perfectly well with his dirty blonde hair – which is styled in a quiff, then his lip ring, and how he plays with it, and bits his lip. Oh, you could melt just staring at him for a second. All the girls flirt with him. And unfortunately, he flirts back, clearly indicating that he is not gay.

He couldn’t be straighter. Everytime a girl walks past, he checks her out. If the girl is staring at him, he winks at her. His only had two girlfriends his whole life. Once when he was in year 8, and another one only last year. He told his friends he was too busy with other shit, than to deal with a girl right now. Some people thought he couldn’t get another girlfriend, but honey, he can get a girl to fall in love with him at the snap of his fingers. I really don’t know how he does it. It means his as straight as a ruler.

Then there’s me.

I couldn’t get gayer. Ever since year three, I started getting weird feelings, everytime I was with or around boys. That’s why I lost mainly all my friends. They somehow found out that I was gay, and told mostly everyone in the school. So I moved. I moved to a different town. Now I’m here, with still, no friends. I get bullied a lot, by Luke. I hate it so much. But then again, I like it. I like how Luke notices me. Although it’s not in a good way, I still like it. Whenever his friends try to threaten me, he always makes them back off, and says;
‘He’s mine’
I know he didn’t mean it in that way at all. He probably didn’t even think about it that way. But I’m allowed to dream right? Though you don’t understand how much I want my dreams to come true. Every single night, I go to bed wishing one day I’ll wake up with Luke beside me, and telling me everyday that he loves me more than anything else – including girls. But again, that’s just a dream. It’ll never come true.

On my spare time, I like to strum on my guitar and sing along to some of my favourite songs. I spend most my social media life on twitter, Facebook and Instagram. The three main social networks. I was very surprised though, when Luke befriended me on Facebook, and followed me on twitter and Instagram. He probably only did that, to tease me on them too. But he hasn’t. And he liked my photos on Instagram – which are mainly all selfies. #selfie yeah no.

Yet he hasn’t said much to me at all over social media, so I’m starting to think, maybe he is starting to settle down on the bullying? I’m just waiting for that long horrible text message you’ll receive by someone, at least once in your life. But I’m lucky it hasn’t happened to me yet, and I’m 18. But I still have a lot of my life yet to go, so I shouldn’t exactly be saying I’m lucky just yet.

I did suffer from depression once in my life. That was when my sister left me alone at the age of 14. I had absolutely no one to take care of me. I only just started the teenage years, and already my whole life was thrown at me. It was like;
‘Here, hold this. Your life’
Unfortunately, I did self harm, and I had anxiety for a while, but I'm over that, thank god. It was a struggle, but I got through it. I only have here and there cuts. They were never to deep, because I was afraid.

Hey! Let’s stop talking about that, huh? Luke has many, many friends. But his two main ones are named Ashton Irwin and Michael Clifford.

Ashton has golden curly locks with hazel eyes that sparkle everywhere he goes. Even at night time, you can still see that little twinkle. He was the shortest out of them all, and he always wore a bandana. A red one to be exact. But Ashton can be really caring for a person he really likes – which makes me think, making Ashton isn’t all that bad?

Michael dyes his hair different colours every four weeks. I once over heard Luke’s and Ashton’s conversation, where they have bets to see what colour Michael would dye his hair next. They put actual money on it. Michael is taller than Ashton, but isn’t as tall as Luke. I’ve taken notice, that Michael likes to wear a lot of plaid. It suits him. Including his bright green eyes.

Unlike me.

Nothing suits me. I have normal boring chocolate brown eyes, with brown hair, styled in a Mohawk most the time. I just wear a plain old band shirt everyday with black skinny jeans. One pair even has a hole in its knee, and Luke accused me of copying him, since he wears skinny jeans with holes in its knees. I honestly couldn’t care less. All I took notice of, was Luke’s beautiful face. I blocked out what he was saying, and just listened to the sound of Luke’s voice. It was alluring. Like when he sings. Ashton, Michael and Luke are in a band. They haven’t got a name yet, but they’re actually really good. Luke is the lead singer, and plays guitar, Michael has his solos here and there, and he plays guitar too, and Ashton plays drums, and has some vocals. Deep down, I’ve always wanted to join their band. Be the bassist and vocals. But I was always afraid to speak up and tell them. They started a YouTube channel, and so have I. They do some weird shit sometimes, as well as singing. My channel is just me singing covers, or singing my own songs I have written – about Luke. Their band has a lot of subscribers and a little fanbase, let alone me, who has only little subscribers and no fanbase at all. I did receive comments on my videos here and there, of them telling me to join Luke, Ashton and Michaels band. But they honestly don’t know we all hate each other – even though I want to be friends with the two of them, and be lovers with the other one.

I really, really want to ask Luke to be friends with him. Or even potentially more. I always have the urge to do so, but I always chicken out, because I’m afraid. Yeah, my reputation at this school is bad, and I don’t want to be popular, I just want to be friends with Luke, Michael and Ashton. They really seem like good blokes.

But I really wish they saw the friend in me. At least one of them, so that they can tell the other two, that I’m actually really nice, and got nothing on them, and personally want to be their friend. But everyone does. I’m just another dark figure in the crowd. But wait, I obviously can’t be a dark figure in the crowd, if they take notice of me. There are some people here, Luke, Ashton and Michael don’t even know about – which is really sad in my opinion.

Everything I seem to do, is me ending up being afraid. I wish one day, I will stop being afraid. Because it really stops me for doing what I should already be doing.

I hate being afraid.

But that’s Who I am.

I’m afraid.

-•-•-•-

Twerter: @5sos_5evzz

Ig: toxiclukex