Burn // NH

42. But It's a Blob

"You're pregnant."

The words fell from his lips with such ease, as a little smile danced across his lips. His face was neatly painted with color, brown eyes shining brightly, lips moving so steadily as the little coat of facial hair bounced with such give to their prickly texture. With such ease that it almost seemed as if he were happy to be the first one breaking the news. With such ease that it didn't even phase him that my heart had officially just shut down, lungs caving in, as my stomach fell through the pit of my uterus.

"That's impossible." I monotonously declared, my face showing nothing short of what I was feeling inside: hallow emptiness.

Dr. Newman gave a short chuckle paired with the shake of his graying head. "Apparently not to the man upstairs." He opened a Manila colored folder, pulling out a few images of the x-rays, and scans that had been taken last time I was here.

"No, no, no, you don't understand," I argued. "I took three pregnancy tests, all coming up negative. Not one or two, but all three."

He laid out a total of five images in front of me, three of my full body and two zoomed in on a grey dot surrounded by black emptiness. His hands then clapped, catching my attention once more as I looked up to meet his eyes. I suddenly felt sick.

"When you become pregnant, your body secretes a hormone called HCG, also known as Human Chorionic Gonadotropin. This is the main hormone that at-home pregnancy tests test for. It's a hormone released by the placenta just a few days after the embryo attaches to the walls of your uterus." Dr. Newman then sighed, "However, in your case, that hormone was regulated by the additional hormones that were being released into your blood by your thyroid and kidneys during the time of your endocarditis. In this case, you may have been getting the symptoms of pregnancy, however, your body was equalizing a number of hormonal secretions being released, thus resulting in negative results."

"But-but..." You have to be fucking kidding me, right now. This cannot be happening. "I'm not pregnant, Dr. Newman. I can't be. Like, I literally physically cannot be pregnant."

"Ellison," he sighed and pointed to an MRI scan that was meant to just be focused on the organs in my body. "Do you see this light gray area, here?" His fingers circled my lower abdominal region. I nodded, very slowly. "That is the formation of the placenta. Do you see this white dot?" It wasn't much larger than the tip of a pencil, but still noticeable. I gulped before nodding. "That is your baby's brain."

He shuffled a few of the images around before pulling up an X-ray that was only meant to be used to focus on my skull and vertebral column.

"Do you see this smoky white area?" I nodded, already being able to make out the white circle of a skull and line of spinal cord before he even pointed. "This small little dot here is where your baby rests just to the side. This is its head and when this image was captured, it appeared to still be in stage one, meaning that it'd yet to sprout arm or legs, however, at that point it did have a heart, brain, eyes, liver, and possibly nubs where arms and legs would very soon grow, if they haven't already."

This was so much to take in. I didn't exactly know how to feel. It came as quite the shock, but on the other hand, not so much and I wanted to be happy learning about this, but I also couldn't comprehend the fact that this was all going on inside my little, flat stomach.

"Stage one? How far along am I? What happens at stage two?" I rushed out, very confused by all of this. It was like my head couldn't wrap around the fact that we were talking about me. It was not some strangers baby or some family relative's, it was mine.

Dr. Newman slightly chuckled at my outburst of sudden questions. "That's actually why I wanted to see you so soon. I would like to have you go for an ultrasound so that way we can get the best image and go from there. It's hard to tell exactly from these, due to the fact that they are not meant for pregnancies and were taken almost two weeks ago." I nodded, feeling quite intimidated and rather nervous and scared. "If you sit still for a moment, I can have a nurse lead you towards the maternity services. There, they will set you up with an ultrasound technician and we can get all of your questions answered to our best ability."