The Mistake

Realization

"Oh," I tell Sophie. "You heard." We both sat on the large sofa spread across my living room, each with our own bowl of ice cream. I set mine aside and sighed. It wasn't like I was surprised, but it was still like a new feeling of dread crept across me.

"Yeah, I heard..." Sophie said carefully. "Is it true?"

Suddenly, I was on my feet. "No, it's not!" Sophie didn't flinch when I screamed, and instead patiently waited for me to stop pacing around the living room. "Sorry, it's just, I'm so sick of it, Soph. I'm sick of it! I don't have crippling depression and I don't cut myself and I'm not broken, and I'm so damn tired of everyone thinking I'm all those things." I finally threw myself onto the sofa, my arms and legs sprawled out.

"Of couse I believe you, Sam. But you can't take those people's shit. Who even started that rumor, anyways?"

"Cami." I muttered under my breath and I heard a groan come from Sophie's mouth.

"I hate to say I told you so," she started, and I sent a killer glare her way. She shrugged helplessly and continued anyways. "But I told you so."

"Sorry, I seem to forget the time you warned me she would start a rumor about me."

"No," she said with an even tone. "But I did warn you about trusting her, and just her in general." Sophie inched closer to me and leaned her head over her hands, listening. She was always so patient, how did she do it?

"I didn't. Trust her, I mean. But she found some pills in my drawer and she thought they were for depression, and it just suddenly occurred to her she had to share that with everyone."

"What are the pills for, then?" A confused look swept across her face, furrowing her perfectly shaped brows. I panicked and a shiver went through my body then. But I reminded myself I could trust her, at least enough to tell her about my anxiety. It wasn't like it was worse than depression, right? Which everyone else seemed to think I had.

"I have this..." I gulped and pretended to look at my nails. "Anxiety problem. Sometimes." I scoured her face out of the corner of my eye for her reaction, not sure what I was expecting. "It's no big deal, the pills are just in case, you know?"

Sophie seemed unfazed as she reached in to hug me. I was relieved when no pity or disgust or disbelief crossed her face. Maybe telling her wasn't the worst idea after all.

That night, my fingers tapped on the drawer on my bedside table as I tried to scramble up the courage to grab my phone and call Cami. Cami. The name tasted bitter in my mouth as I let everything Sophie had once warned me about her flow into my mind, but my naiveness has brought me to where I was.

My phone was in my hands and her number was dialed in, but I didn't call. My anxiousness rose like a flooded well in my body. I wasn't too good with phone calls, especially when it came to confronting girls like Cami. I wasn't sure I could take the tension. Ten minutes after fiddling endlessly with my phone, I realized I had to know. I had to find out if Nick was telling me the truth or not, no matter how much I dreaded our following conversation.

The line rang, and those moments before she answered were like hell. A giggle came from the phone first, followed by actual words. "Hello?"

"Cami. Hey," my voice quivered a little, and O hoped she couldn't notice. "Can we talk for a second?"

"Oh, sure. Just give me a sec." A few mumbled voices later, she picked up the phone again. "Okay, what's up?"

I held my phone over my pounding heart and took a deep breath. God, I hated phone calls. "I know you told everyone. About my pills. About my supposed depression, Cami. Why would you do that?" My voice came out hard, swift. I didn't trip on my words or stumble. I felt proud of myself for a second before the fear of what would come next came trampling over again.

I hung my head when a laugh came from the phone. "Yeah, so? It's not a big deal."

"It is a big deal, Cami. Why would you even start saying that?"

"Sam, you can't seriously be mad at me for this. I know about your depression, and I just told a few friends and they all want to help you. You could say thanks?"

"I'm not fucking depressed, Cami!"

My eyes widened and I cringed as soon as I screamed it at her, but when there was no response, I continued. "And even if I was, you had no right to tell other people that. My pills are my business, not anyone's, and sure as hell not yours either."

"What the fuck, Sam? I thought we were friends."

"Yeah, I thought so too. That was another mistake I made."

"Listen, maybe I shouldn't have told so many people, but it was only because I was worried about you. I promise it's not going to be a big rumor thing."

"It's already a big rumor thing." I reached up to rub my eyes, tired and having taken a beating from the stress.

"No one cares, Samantha, all right?" She snapped. "A lot of people don't even know your name." She scoffed. "But it always has to be about you, doesn't it?"

"Cami that's not the point." I said through gritted teeth, almost grinding into them. "The point is you started a rumor about me. When I thought you were my friend."

"So? You never told me I couldn't say anything about it. And it was an accident, all right? It's not like I was trying to find your pills." She said and I was reminded of why I had called her in the first place. To find out the truth about how she found out.

"What?"

A sigh came from the other line. I could almost picture her rolling her eyes at me. The next words she said were slow and steady, mocking me. "Grow up, rumors come and go. You'll be out of people's mouth as soon as Paige moves on to her next guy of the week, I promise."

It stung, but I let it slide and asked her again. "Cami, how did you find my pills? Did someone tell you about them? Was it Nick?"

"It doesn't matter, I won't say anything else about your stupid pills, alright?"

"Answer me, Cami. Please..."

"It wasn't my fault you had them lying around there. You told me to search in the drawer, and I did. I just happened to find an orange pill container on there. And when I read what it was, that's when I knew." Assumed, I wanted to correct her. "About your depression. A cousin who was depressed also took it, he told me they helped. And, when I saw you were taking them, too, I panicked."

She kept talking, but her words drowned out in the midst of my thoughts jumbling over my head, trying to piece everything together. Only one realization was clear in that moment, and I didn't know why it sounded so loud in my head or made me feel so awful and guilty and relieved at the same time. Nick didn't tell Cami.