◈ Magnus X Alec One Shots ◈ Malec ◈

Happier

I didn't think it would ever come to this, did I? It was the one thing that didn't seem to ever run through my mind. We were eternal, right? I should have seen it coming. I was too blinded by love, really. It's been a month now...oh God, it's been a month. I haven't smiled in a month. I haven't laughed in a month. I don't think I've felt happiness in a month.

I don't think I've ever seen you happier.

Your glittered makeup had only grown brighter as your face lights up in the smile that was oh so rare for me to see. Your clothes sparkle as you dance around, gazing into the eyes of the one you now love. The one that isn't me.

I should have known. I was told, I was warned. You like to have fun and leave. You use people like toys. You're immortal. They die and all your guilt is gone, right? I laugh at you, Magnus. I pity you too. It's disgraceful what you do yet everyone lets you do it. Because, we've all fallen so deep in love with you. How can we not let you take us on the ride? How could we deny the fun? How could we deny the luxury that you brought along with you wherever you go?

The more I think about it, it was never you that excited me. It was what you had. You had magic, flourish, confidence and most of all, an ability to make my self confidence skyrocket. I struggled with fear of rejection my entire life and you made me believe that I was worthy.

You were the one person that believed me worthy and you were the one person to reject me too. It seemed I was wrong that the two are correlated.

I see you often; I think that's what's worst. I can't bear to look at you but you are there so often. Your like something stuck on my back, unwanted but persistent to rub it in my face that you're there (a small note saying 'kick me' written on the back of it).

The longer this goes on, the further I fall, the worse I feel, the more I cry. A month is supposed to begin to heal the wounds; they've only opened more. A month is supposed to stop the tears; they come in floods. A month was supposed to begin to heal everything; it's clear that it failed.

Who was I to think you would stay? Who was I to bury that engagement ring in my pocket to give to you one day? Who was I to expect more from you than everyone else? Is that why you ran, Magnus? Expectations? Pitiful. No, this isn't right. I didn't want it to be like this. This was supposed to get you back, not to get you to leave. This was supposed to be my letter to you but I'm sure by now it's shredded up- most likely by this new woman you've latched yourself onto. You match, I suppose. She's glitzy, glamorous and spiteful. She's mean, rude, horrible. I don't know...she's just...you.

No, I need to stop this. I need to stop blaming you. This was me in more ways than one. This wasn't unexpected. And you...you look happier. That smile on your face is much brighter than it ever was for me and in some ways, I'm happy for you. You're free from me- the one who was dragging you down.

This is my letter to you, Magnus, to apologise. I haven't been...willing in all this. You let me down so kindly and I made this all shattered upon us like shards of glass. This could have been clean, happy yet I made it difficult. At least, I did for me. You still seem to have that cruel smile on your lips.

I hurt you in so many ways when you said those dreaded final words but I needed you, Magnus. In the one moment I needed you, you abandoned me. And that cruel smile is still plastered on your face. You weren't cruel when you said it. You were so gentle, your words still laced with love but as I ran out- crying, screaming, shouting- I could see that pitiful smile grace your lips and I knew you had done what was right. How? I ask you. How, in that moment had you finally had an epitome and realised that I wasn't the one? Do you even believe in the one?

Maybe you believe in millions.

Maybe you believe I was one of many that you could toss around. It's true, isn't it? This isn't the anger speaking. You have lived centuries, Magnus, there's no doubt that you like to move around but why hurt people in the process? Stop making people believe that you want long term. You're scared of commitment so why the HELL did you not tell me that? Why did you just leave me? Why didn't you tell me?

I have so many questions, Mags. I want answers but I don't think I will get them. I don't think this file will ever leave my computer. But, at least I wrote it. And now, when I see you, sometimes I do have a smile on my face because you look happier. So much happier. Mags, you look happier. You do. I knew one day you would fall for someone new. But, if she breaks you heart like lovers do.

Just know that I'll be waiting here for you.

word count: 916

published: 05.05.17