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Chapter 23

Claire

    I was crushed. Devastated because how could Blair, my twin sister, betray me like that? How could she ever hurt me or anyone like that? It was so cruel and dropping to sit at my cafeteria table, I forced those thoughts away. I couldn't start crying in front of my friends. They would all think I was pathetic.

    Tori and Jake were arguing - as usual - and Maya and Ryder were talking about something. I sat in the middle of both pairs, staring at my phone. Thoughts of everything that had happened were running through my mind and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't forget about what happened. It had scarred me in a way that left me wishing I had never tried to get close to Blair again.

    "Hey," Ryder suddenly said gently. "You okay?"

    I looked at him and saw that he was genuinely concerned. It took everything in me to hold back my tears as I stiffly nodded.

    "Yeah, I'm fine," I said, forcing a smile.

    Ryder didn't look convinced and for a moment, we stared at each other. As I stared at Ryder, I thought about how much he cared. I thought about how much I could trust him and suddenly, I was blurting out how I was feeling.

    "Why can't we trust anyone?" I asked. "Why does everyone have to be a backstabber?"

    "What?" Tori asked, frowning. "What are you talking about?"

    Knowing I couldn't tell them that Blair had been hooking up with Carter, I tried to think up of an excuse. But when I couldn't think of anything, I decided to be vague.

    "Everyone you care about ends up hurting you in this stupid world," I said. "I swear you can't trust anyone."

    "Ouch," Jake said, raising his eyebrows. "Okay then."

    My cheeks reddened at that, knowing I was insulting my friends. I opened my mouth to say they were different, but I ended up unable to deny it. During the entire Carter situation, my friends hadn't been supportive. They had been rude and uncaring, which made me wonder if I could trust them to never hurt me.

    "Damn Claire, why are you so negative these days," Tori said, rolling her eyes. "You haven't been fun to hang out with for a while."

    "Yeah miss grumpy," Jake added. "You've been a party pooper ever since you found out Carter likes Blair."

    "Honestly!" Tori exclaimed. "Just get over it Claire. He doesn't like you and there's nothing you can do about it."

    Hurt, I stood up. Without a single word, I turned around and stormed off, hoping the tears I had been fighting back wouldn't escape my eyes. I was right. Everyone would hurt you. You could trust no one.

    Rushing outside to be away from everyone, I hugged myself and leaned against the brick wall of the school. It was sunny outside, but for once my mood didn't reflect the weather. I was sad and hurt and I just wanted to cry.

    The doors leading to outside flew open after a few seconds and I looked to see who had come outside. My eyes widened when I saw that it was Ryder and staring at him, I wondered what he was doing outside. Why was he always chasing after me?

    "Claire..." Ryder began, seeming lost for words. "What's wrong? You can be honest with me."

    I looked away, not in the mood to admit what was wrong. Not just because it hurt too much to admit, but also because I felt ashamed. I felt so ashamed that my crush was hooking up with my sister. The two people I cared about most in the world had broke my heart, and for some reason I felt pathetic because of that.

    "Claire, it's better to let things out than to let them devour you," Ryder said gently, moving to stand in front of me. "Trust me, if you keep all the pain you're feeling inside of you, one day you'll burst."

    At that, I burst. I started sobbing, unable to control my emotions, and Ryder hugged me. I cried into his shoulder, feeling miserable because he was right. For seventeen years I had suppressed all of my emotions, making sure to stay positive for others. I never let myself be sad and I was beginning to realize how wrong that was. By keeping my feelings hidden deep within me, I obtained a million little cracks on my heart that finally shattered it.

    Ryder began to stroke my hair, which made me cry harder. He was so kind to me. He would never hurt me and at that, I knew I could trust him. Unlike everyone else in my life, I knew Ryder would never think I was pathetic.

    "Blair has been hooking up with Carter," I confessed, pulling away from Ryder to wipe my tears away with my hands. "She's been doing it ever since summer, even though she knows I like him."

    Ryder looked surprised, but he didn't say anything. I was thankful for that because what could he say to make things better? Blair had hooked up with Carter, knowing I liked him, and there was no way to justify her actions.

    "The worst part is it doesn't hurt that Carter was hooking up with another girl. The worst part is that Blair was willing to do that to me," I said bitterly. "My sister, my other half, was okay with hurting me like that. The thought just breaks my heart."

    I found myself tearing up once again. I hated how emotional I had become in senior year. Crying was something I rarely did, but I had cried more in the past five months than I had cried in the past three years.

    "She doesn't deserve a sister like you," Ryder said. "You're pure and kind and everything good in this world and if Blair was willing to do that to you.... Well, she isn't."

    I found myself staring at him, touched by his words. I didn't care if he had insulted Blair because he was right. Blair wasn't a good person, she was cruel. Anyone who was wiling to do that didn't have a good heart. Ryder was right.

    "You're right," I said. "God, I don't know why I'm so upset. Blair is a horrible person, so she shouldn't mean anything to me. I shouldn't care about her, but..."

    Ryder put his hand on my head gently. His eyes were soft and I found my heart growing sad at the understanding look he wore.

   "But she's your sister. She's someone you had grown up with and she's someone you love," Ryder said. "It's okay to care about her. It's okay to be hurt by what she did."

    At those words, I found myself crying once again. Ryder hugged me and he whispered soothing words into my ear, which made me feel better. As Ryder and I stood outside, embracing, I found my heart getting repaired slowly.