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Chapter 29

Claire

    A day had passed since everyone in our school found out that Blair had been hooking up with Carter. Everywhere I went I could hear people talking about Blair. They were saying horrible things like how Blair deserved to have no friends and that she was a slut, which left me feeling horrible. I didn't understand why because I hadn't done anything wrong and Blair had hurt me, which left me trying to push my feelings of unease away. It was hard however. With the school so fixated on what Blair did, I felt like I couldn't escape what happened between Blair, Carter, and I.

     I was sitting in the cafeteria for once, with Ryder. I was tired of forcing myself to eat outside where bees often chased us, so I told Ryder we could eat in the cafeteria. After my confrontation with Tori I wasn't scared of seeing my old friends, so I felt at ease.

    Not total ease, however. As my eyes wandered around the cafeteria, wondering where Blair was, I found my heart sinking. Erin was at their usual table, but Blair wasn't. That made me wonder where Blair was, but I had no way of finding out. We were still not on speaking terms, which meant I didn't know what Blair was going through.

    "Are you looking for Blair?" Ryder asked.

    Flushing, I was surprised he noticed. I looked at him and sighed when I noticed how sad he looked. Even after what Blair did, I found myself worried about her. I was pathetic.

    "Yeah, I wonder where she is," I admitted. "I wonder... How she is. Blair hates attention and she hates drama. This has to be her worst nightmare."

    "It probably is her worst nightmare," Ryder said, shaking his head. "I feel bad for her. What Tori did was cruel."

    I felt the same way. Deep down, I felt really bad for her. Even though what Blair did was wrong, she didn't deserve to have the whole school find out. She didn't deserve all the looks and negative talk she'd been receiving. I was so mad at Tori for what she did.

    "You feel the same way, don't you?" Ryder asked, smiling a bit.

    Flushing, I looked down because I did. Despite everything, I did and it made me feel pathetic. Why did I care about the people that hurt me?

    "Have you talked to Blair?" Ryder asked.

    "No," I said. "I haven't talked to her since I found out she was hooking up with Carter."

    "You haven't talked to her since then? That was months ago."

    It was months ago, but it still hurt the same. No matter what, I couldn't completely forget about what Blair did. I couldn't forget how hurt I'd been when Carter and Blair broke my heart simultaneously. That was why I hadn't talked to Blair. Because I was still hurt, my throat would feel constricted every time I looked at her. For some reason I wanted to cry whenever I neared her.

    "I'm not ready to forgive her," I said. "After... After everything she did, I just can't. I can't even bare to look at her because every time I do, it brings me back to what she did. Not even what she did, but the fact that she could do that to me."

    Ryder's eyes softened and I stared at him, feeling sad. Even though I kept myself distracted and tried to move on, it was hard. With Blair being my sister, it was hard to forget about what happened when she lived under the same roof as me.

    "Can I say something?" Ryder asked. "I've been wanting to say this, but... The timing never felt right until now."

    I nodded, frowning as I wondered what he would say. A part of me felt nervous as Ryder became serious.

    "What Blair did to you was horrible. She didn't care about your feelings when she hooked up with Carter and she betrayed you. There's no denying that," Ryder said. "But... Have you heard Blair's side of the story? Have you tried to understand why she did what she did?"

    "No," I said, eyebrows furrowing. "Why would I need to do that? There's nothing she could say to justify what she did."

    "Yes, there is no way for her to make what she did right." Ryder's eyes softened. "But Claire, Blair is you sister. I don't know her well, but she isn't a heartless person. She doesn't seem like the type of person to hook up with anyone, just for the hell of it. There has to be a reason why she did what she did. And I know, it won't make what she did okay, but maybe you can understand her. Maybe you can learn to forgive her through that."

    I shook my head vigorously, not wanting to listen. There was no way I would talk to Blair about what happened. I didn't want to hear her reasons because it wouldn't change anything. No matter what she would say, it wouldn't change the fact that she was willing to hurt me for her own needs.

    "Look Ryder, what I've come to learn is that you never really know someone. You can think you do, but people have a scary way of surprising you," I said. "So honestly, maybe this is the real Blair. Maybe she's a cruel person and I made the mistake of thinking she wasn't."

    "Claire... Be honest, do you really think that sounds like Blair? She's your sister and you've literally spent your entire life with her. Do you really think that's the type of person she is?"

    I remained silent for a moment because deep down, I knew that Blair wasn't the type of person to hurt others. She was always to herself, but she was always willing to help others. She had never been rude to anyone and it was mind blowing that she would hurt me.

    "I don't know Ryder," I said, sighing. "I'm just not ready yet. I still need time to heal, okay?"

    "Okay," Ryder said, his eyes still soft. "But Claire, remember that everyone makes mistakes. None of us are saints, so don't be too hard on Blair. Especially with what she's going through right now, I know she needs someone at her side."

    I looked away, thinking about what he said about Blair needing someone. My eyes went to her usual lunch table and seeing Erin sitting there alone, I found my heart dropping. Blair was alone, I realized. She had no one and the thought of that made me uneasy. But because I wasn't ready, I decided not to do anything. I decided to be selfish, for once.