Switch Up

Chapter 30

Blair

I never thought I could hate school. Although I never enjoyed the social aspect of school, I never hated being there. I never wished I would get sick, just to miss class. But that changed after everyone found out that Carter and I had hooked up.

Everywhere I went, I could feel eyes on me. I could hear people talking about me, saying things like how I was a slut and a loser who deserved to have no friends. Those words and the looks people shot me felt like knives. They stabbed me, leaving me with wounds that bled more and more as days passed. I had hoped with time everyone would forget what I did, but that didn't seem to be working as three days passed and I was still going through everything as strongly as the first day.

I sat in English class, in my usual seat. The seats next to me were empty and a lump began to form in my throat at the thought of that. I had lost Carter, who had been nothing but kind to me. I had lost Erin, who had been my only friend. In a few months I had lost everything and I had no one. Even though I liked being alone, I never thought I could feel so lonely until I had lost everything.

Hearing Claire's voice, I found my heart dropping as I realized she was doing just fine without me. As she talked to her new friend, Amber, a few seats away from me, I realized she had moved on. She was doing just fine, while I was left to suffer because of the mistake I made. I knew I deserved it. I knew I was receiving karma, but I wished it didn't hurt so much. I wished I wasn't so alone.

Class soon ended and I got up, wanting to go home fast. I threw my bag over my shoulder and left, going to my locker. As I walked through the crowded hallways, I could feel everyone's eyes on me - as usual. I could also hear their murmurs about me and taking a deep breath in, I told myself to ignore them. I told myself to stay calm because lately, I'd been feeling overwhelmed.

At my locker, I could hear my classmates' voices rising. Even though I was supposed to ignore them, I couldn't help but listen to what they had to say about me.

"What a loser," a girl sneered. "I'm glad she has no friends. After what she did to her own sister, she deserves to be a loner."

"I can't believe Blair would hook up with a guy for fun," a guy said, chuckling. "It's always the quiet ones who are the freaks."

My face went red at their words. Embarrassment and shame washed over me, but I continued to listen to what they had to say.

"Blair is a bitch," another girl said, scoffing. "Seriously, how could she do that to her own sister? She has to be heartless."

"What a slut," a guy replied. "I always knew there was something off about her."

Their words got to me. After days of hearing these words and knowing they were true, I suddenly took in the severity of my actions. I realized what a horrible person I was and how I really didn't deserve to have anyone care about me.

"Hey Blair, I hope you know you're a bitch," the girl said to me, causing people to laugh. "Claire doesn't deserve to have a shitty twin like you."

Claire didn't. She didn't deserve to have a twin as horrible as me. I had betrayed her not once, but twice I knew. When she had asked me to become popular with her in grade nine, I should have agreed. I should have just joined her so that we would never have became distant. I was the one who ruined everything. It was never Claire who had messed up, it was always me. Suddenly, I couldn't take it.

I put my hands over my ears, trying to block out my peers harsh words. A sob escaped me and before I knew it, I was crying my heart out. I fell to my knees and sobbed as I realized what a horrible person I was. Knowing I was a waste of space who ruined everything I touched, I cried to let everything I had always held deep within my heart out. My crying was loud and ugly, but I couldn't stop it. It just kept pouring out of me.

"Oh my god," I suddenly heard Claire say.

I continued to sob, forgetting I was in the middle of a hallway. I couldn't stop and even when Claire fell to sit in front of me, I still kept crying.

"Blair," Claire said, putting her hands on my shoulders gently. "Blair, hey."

Shaking my head, I just kept crying. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I just couldn't stop myself. Sobs were escaping me and they were loud and embarrassing, but I couldn't restrain them.

"Let's go home," Claire said gently, trying to pull me up. "Ryder will take us."

Knowing I was a mess and shouldn't stay in the public eye, I let Claire pull me up. Ryder was at her side, I realized, and he looked pained from the sight of me. My face went red at that and I hung my head, wishing to disappear. I wished I could just disappear from the face of the earth so that I wouldn't ruin anything again.

Claire, Ryder, and I walked to his car and got in. Ryder drove, Claire sat in the passenger seat, and I sat at the back. No one was talking and I found myself growing more and more ashamed of what had happened. I couldn't believe I had broken down in front of my entire school. I had no idea how I would ever show my face again there.

"Blair, we really need to talk," Claire said suddenly, surprising me. "About everything. I'm ready to talk."

Her words surprised me and for a moment, I stared at her, unsure of what to say. I had wanted to justify myself in the beginning, but I felt like it was pointless now. But when Claire looked at me, her eyes pleading with me to agree, I nodded. We hadn't talked about anything and maybe, that was our biggest mistake. Maybe that was always our mistake because in freshmen year, when we had our fallout, we hadn't talked about it. Thinking about that, I realized things needed to change.

I was terrified, however. I wasn't sure if Claire would understand. But after everything I had been through, I knew I needed someone. More than anything, I knew I needed my sister. So as Ryder dropped Claire and I home, I prepared myself to talk about everything.