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Chapter 24

Blair

    I hated myself for what I did. Claire hadn't talked to me since she found out and I was left to feel horrible. I had never meant to hurt her, but I had. I had and I hated myself for it.

    I was pacing around my room, waiting for Carter. A week after I received his message, I had told him to come over so we could talk. My heart was racing at the thought of confessing how I truly felt about him and sighing, I wondered why I got myself into the situation I was in. I hadn't been thinking straight and I was left to face the consequences.

    Taking a deep breath in, I told myself to relax. Claire wasn't going to talk to me if I stayed in bed for the rest of my life, ignoring the mess I made. I had to fix things. I had to make things right with everyone because everyone deserved an apology from me.

    Suddenly, there was a knock on my window and I went over to it. Carter was peering through it, looking solemn, and my heart dropped. He rarely didn't have a smile on his face, so I knew our situation took its toll on him. The thought of that made me sad and I wanted to hug him and tell him how sorry I was, but I resisted because we needed to have a serious talk.

    Opening up the window, I said, "Hi."

    "Hi," Carter said, stepping through the window.

    We stood facing each other and I found palms growing sweaty. I was terrified to talk to him. Confrontations had always been something I avoided.

    "So, we need to talk about a lot," Carter said. "Starting with the party. Why did you and Claire pretend to be each other?"

    I was surprised by how fast Carter got to the point. A part of me hoped for time to prepare what I would say, but it seemed like I wouldn't get any.

    "She really likes you," I said. "And... I wanted to help her be with you. Seriously Carter, Claire is crazy about you. You should give her a chance.

    Carter looked uneasy at those words and I found myself growing disappointed. Even after everything, I still wanted Carter to fall for Claire. The both of them deserved to be with people as kind as each other.

    "You know I can't give her a chance," Carter finally said, his eyes growing sad.

    "Why not?" I asked, feeling deflated.

    "Because I like you!" Carter exclaimed, catching me off guard. "Jeez Blair, I like you so much and I've told you this multiple times. I want to be with you and no one else, okay? And... I don't get it. I thought you felt the same way."

    I looked down, feeling ashamed. Finally, I had to admit the truth. I had to finally tell Carter how I actually felt and my heart dropped, knowing it would crush him. Once again, I wished I had the guts to admit the truth from the start.

    Looking back up at him, I saw how sad he looked. I saw how he already knew the truth, but hoped anyways that I would say I felt the same way. To my surprise, I wished I could say I liked him. Just because Carter had treated me so right and deserved to have his feelings reciprocated, I wished I felt the same way as he did. But, sadly I didn't. I doubt I ever could.

    "I'm so sorry Carter, but I don't feel that way about you," I said quietly. "I think you're an amazing person, but... I just don't reciprocate your feelings. I'm so sorry."

    Carter looked crushed. His eyes held so much hurt and I hated myself more than I ever had. How could I hurt him and Claire? Why did I have to be such a horrible person?

    "I... I don't understand. Why would you hook up with me? Why would you spend so much time with me if you felt nothing?" he asked.

    "I... I don't know," I said, looking away. "I just needed someone and..."

    "I was there," he finished bitterly. "You used me, didn't you?"

    Shame washed over me because he was right. I had never thought about it like that, but there was no denying it. I had used Carter. To make myself feel more secure about myself, I had used him like he was a toy. I couldn't believe I had done that.

    "I can't believe you Blair," Carter snapped. "You're so selfish. You're a horrible person and I can't believe I ever fell for you. I can't believe I ever thought you were a sweet, kind person, when really you're the most heartless person I have ever met. I... Damn."

    Carter looked frustrated and I stared at him, knowing I deserved all his harsh words. He was right, I was heartless. I wasn't kind or sweet. Maybe that was why no one paid any attention to me. Maybe that was why my parents had never truly loved me. I didn't deserve it because I was a horrible person.

    "I'm sorry," I said, not knowing what else to say.

    "Whatever," Carter said. "I hope I never have to see you again."

    Carter turned around and walked to my window. But, he stopped before my window and stood there for a second, leaving me staring at him. His posture was stiff, but then it soon went slack.

    "You know what sucks," Carter said, still facing away from me. "I thought you were different. I've had so many girls go after me and none of them were genuine. I thought... I thought I found someone special when I met you. I guess I was wrong."

    My heart broke at those words and I found myself tearing up. Carter had been so good to me and I didn't deserve any of it. I had broken his heart and I hated myself for it. I hated how I couldn't reciprocate his feelings.

    Carter finally left and I was left to stand in my spot and stare after him. He was gone, I realized. Permanently, he was gone from my life. Although I knew it needed to happen, I never thought I would feel so bad about myself. I never thought I could hate myself as much as I did then.