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Chapter 6

Blair

     I stared at my phone, feeling guilty. Staring at Carter's reply that came only a few seconds after I had texted him, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in. I had no idea Claire liked Carter. Never had I once thought that my sister would have feelings for the guy I was hooking up with.

     Sighing, I knew it had been obvious. Claire's eyes were always on Carter. I swear every time I looked at her at school, she was looking at Carter. It had been that obvious, but yet I had never once thought that she really did like him. And because of that and what I was doing, I felt like a horrible person.

     It was crazy how distant we had become. Flopping down on my bed and staring at the ceiling, I thought about how we stopped telling each other everything. We literally knew nothing about ourselves in the present and that made me uneasy. How could we have become this way when we were once best friends?

     There was a sudden knock on the window and I looked over to it and saw Carter standing there, smiling at me. I smiled back, but I felt my heart squeeze unpleasantly since I knew what I was doing was wrong. Claire had been so hurt at school when she confessed she liked Carter and I knew I shouldn't be seeing him anymore, but I couldn't help it. No one had ever made me feel like I was more than what I thought of myself, so I just couldn't stop what was going on with Carter.

     Getting up, I walked over to the window and opened it. I put a finger to my lip, hushing Carter since my parents were home. Claire wasn't home - thankfully - and I found myself feeling horrible once again. How could I do this to my own sister?

     "Hey Blair," Carter whispered. grabbing my elbows gently. "It's been a while."

     "We saw each other yesterday," I said, raising an eyebrow. 

     "That's too long for me."

    Carter leaned forward and he kissed me. I kissed him back immediately, sighing lightly as his warm lips made me feel wanted. There was so much yearning in the way he kissed me and for once, I felt like someone needed me.

     Pulling back as once again I thought about Claire, I turned around and walked over to my bed. Carter followed me, unfazed by my sudden movement, and he sat next to me on the ledge of my small bed. My eyes roamed my small room and I was glad to see that it was neat.

     "How are you?" Carter suddenly asked. 

     I looked at him and saw that he was genuinely curious about how I felt. That was a first.

     "Good, I guess," I said, shrugging. 

     Carter stared at me, seeming to urge me to ask him something. I looked away then, not in the mood to talk. As horrible as it sounded, I hadn't asked Carter to come over to talk. I had asked him to come over because I needed a distraction. I needed someone to help me calm down as my insecurities and my guilt for what I had done to Claire became overwhelming.

     "Oh, I forgot to ask you," Carter suddenly said, eyes widening. "Is you sister okay? I saw her run off and you ran after her, so I hope she's fine."

     I forced myself to remain expressionless from his question. Thinking back to that day and how I saw my sister crying for the first time in years, I felt bad. What I was doing was so wrong, but I just couldn't help it. It was unexplainable, but I needed what Carter and I did in my life.

      So knowing I needed his distraction, I placed my hand behind his neck and pulled him to me. Kissing him so passionately that he groaned softly, I told myself that I hadn't known about Claire's feelings. I started what I did with Carter before I found out about her feelings, so I wasn't doing anything wrong.

     Kissing him harder, I found myself getting in lost in the kiss. Carter's hands were in my hair and my hands were around his shoulders, pulling him to me as I kept kissing him, trying to forget everything. We kissed for a while and I found myself wondering if we would go further, but then he suddenly pulled away. Staring at him, gasping, I saw that he suddenly looked nervous.

     "I have a question," he suddenly blurted out, leaving me frowning.

     "What is it?" I asked.

     "Are... Are we together?" He suddenly looked away, seeming incredibly nervous. "Can we go public with what we have?"

     Freezing from his questions, I stared at him, stunned. I was thankful he wasn't looking at me because my expression alone was an answer enough. We were not together. The thought was horrifying to me and staring at him, I realized he didn't understand that I didn't have feelings for him. He was just someone I enjoyed being physical with.

     "Carter..." I began, unsure of how to word it. "I... No, sorry. Let's keep what's going on a secret for now. Let's wait."

     Internally, I groaned. I knew I should be straight up and tell him that I didn't feel the same way as him, but I didn't have the heart to. Ironically, I couldn't bare to hurt anyone and closing my eyes, I thought about Claire. She was my sister and I was hurting her. What in the world was wrong with me?

     "That's fine," Carter said, but I knew he wasn't happy with my response. "We'll wait."

    Guilt was eating at me as I stared at Carter. His eyes were full of longing and he seemed sad by my words, but I couldn't help the fact that I wasn't in love with him. I couldn't help the fact that I still needed him in my life to make me feel secure, even though I was hurting Claire and him. Knowing I needed to be distracted once again, I leaned forward and kissed him again.

     He kissed me back and we kept kissing, finding ourselves getting lost in each other. I laid down on my bed and Carter hovered above me, kissing me until we were thinking about nothing but each other. All of my insecurities and problems vanished then. All that mattered was him and how he made me feel when we were together like that. That was exactly why I just couldn't let him go.