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Chapter 22

Blair

I was laying on my bed, thinking about the way Claire had insisted we go home after she left the closet. She wouldn't look me in the eye and she kept telling me to take her home, so I did. The entire car ride was silent and I wondered what happened. Claire should've been ecstatic after being in the closet with Carter, but instead she seemed miserable. It had left me uneasy and I found myself debating on whether or not I should check up on her.

Before I could find an answer, someone knocked on my bedroom door. I sat up and felt relieved when I saw Claire there. But then when she stepped in and I saw how serious she was, I grew uneasy once again. Something was wrong and gulping, I had a bad feeling I knew what it was.

"I have a question and I want you to answer it honestly," Claire said, crossing her arms over her chest once she neared my bed. "It's been driving me insane so please... Be honest."

"Of course," I said, seeing how pained Claire looked.

I had a horrible feeling about her question, but I knew I had to owe up to everything. It was dumb of me to think the past could be forgotten, so the most I could do was accept it and try to move on from it.

"Have you and Carter kissed before?" Claire asked.

Her eyes were full of hope and I knew she wanted me to say no, but I couldn't. Staring at her and seeing how upset she was, I knew I couldn't lie to her. Because I cared about Claire, I couldn't.

"Yes, we've kissed before," I answered, leaving Claire deflated.

"What..." she said quietly. "I... I don't understand."

I didn't either. I never understood how I could possibly kiss Carter when I knew Claire had liked him. How could I betray my own sister like that?

"Recently?" Claire then asked, her eyes pleading with me to say no.

I nodded and looked down, ashamed. We all made mistakes, nobody was perfect, but I couldn't help but hate myself for a moment. Seeing how hurt Claire looked, I felt disappointed in myself.

"Tell me everything," Claire suddenly demanded, catching me off guard. "What went on between you?"

I looked up and my eyes widened when I saw that Claire was no longer sad. Suddenly, she looked furious. So angry that I found myself shrinking. I had never seen Claire like that.

"Now!" Claire shouted, leaving me flinching.

"I... It started in the summer," I blurted out. "We hooked up and we've been hooking up for a while now. I stopped a few weeks ago, but then... I hooked up with him again last week because I was upset. I'm so sorry Claire, I-"

"Stop," Claire said, holding her hand up. "I don't want to hear your apology. I... I can't believe you."

Claire looked like she was trying so hard to look furious, but I saw past her facade and I knew she wanted to break down. The thought crushed me. It was painful to see my sister hurting, especially when it was my fault. I wished I could go back and erase the past, but I couldn't. All I could do was try to explain myself.

"I know what I did was wrong," I said, getting up and walking towards her. "But let me explain. I mean, I can't change the fact that what I did was wrong, but let me try to make you understand why I did what I did."

Claire shook her head vigorously and I found myself freezing in front of her. She began to hug herself, as if to hold herself together, and I found myself tearing up. I had never thought that hurting someone would hurt yourself so much.

"No, there's nothing you can say to make me understand," Claire said. "You hooked up with Carter, knowing I liked him. You tried to make it seem like I had a chance with him when really, you were leading him on the entire time. You're horrible Blair. How could you do that to either of us?"

"I..."

I was speechless because she was right. Claire was absolutely right and I hated that. I hated how selfish I had become because of my insecurities. Not only did I hurt Claire, but I also hurt Carter.

"I know I'm horrible," I said, trying to owe up to my sins. "I know what I did was wrong and I'm really sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry."

"Sorry because you got caught, right?" Claire said, laughing bitterly.

I wanted to scream no, but the truth was I couldn't deny her words. If I had been truly sorry, I would've apologized earlier. I would've came clean and made sure I never saw Carter again, but I had done neither. I was selfish and I hated myself. I hated who I was because I was so weak and selfish.

"Yeah, that's right," Claire said, shaking her head. "Just never talk to me again, okay Blair. Seriously, I'm done with you."

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but no words came out. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do to make things better. Frozen in my spot, I watched as Claire walked away.

My heart screamed for me to chase after her and make her know how sorry I was, but I stayed planted in my spot. Staring after Claire, I watched as she walked out of my life for good. As my throat constricted, making it hard to breathe, I found myself tearing up again. I had messed up and I had no idea if I could fix the havoc I brought to our relationship.

Suddenly, there was a buzz on my phone. Sighing, I walked over to it and wondered who had texted me. With my heart so heavy, a part of me wanted a distraction. Not Carter, but just anyone who was willing to talk to me.

Seeing that it was Carter who texted, I sighed and opened up the text. I had a feeling I knew what he wanted, which left me sighing once again. It was strange how I had tried so hard to be unnoticed in high school to avoid drama, but suddenly drama was all my life consisted of.

We need to talk, was the message Carter sent me. Closing my eyes briefly, I knew that we did. After everything, I knew I had to do something I should've done a long time ago. It wasn't going to be easy, but I had to do it. To at least try to clean up the mess I made, it was the first thing I had to do.