You Thought You Knew Me

Why Does It Always Go Wrong?

Why is it that anything good has to end badly?  Why do hearts have to break?  Why must we cry and feel weak?  Why do we hurt each other?  Why don't we care?

Why did he do it?  Was she better?  Did he love her more?  Is she prettier?  Does she do the things I won't?  Did he ever mean what he said?  Was any of it real?  Was I not good enough?  What did I do wrong?  What can I do to make this heart ache and agony go away?

These are the things I keep asking myself.  These are the things that make me feel so horrible about who I am.  I can't help but feel that it was all my fault; that I am the reason he cheated on me.  I know it is irrational, that I shouldn't be beating myself up.  But what my heart feels is so much stronger than what my brain knows.  

Right now my heart is screaming in pure agonizing torture.  But I won't let it  show.  Sure I might look sad, but no one will ever see the full extent of the fear and pain that I feel.  I can't let them see it, they will only use it against me, further proof that they don't care.   No one does.

I know that I sound like a whiny teenage girl who got dumped.  Woohoo.....  There are probably people thinking ' who f*cking cares about your f*cking teenage drama b*tch' as they read this.  Well you know what, if you've had a broken heart and know the pain it causes you wouldn't be giving me crap about it, so unless you know how it feels don't judge me or anyone else!

I just want to go and hide right now and no one cares.  They act like it never happened.  That he never turned around and stabbed me in the back.  Like he never ruined my fragile self-esteem.  Like he didn't take my heart and crush it.  Like he didn't cheat.  Like he didn't give me further reason to be terrified to trust.  They act like he did nothing wrong!  In fact some of them say its my fault that he did this.......That if I had been a better girlfriend he would have actually loved me instead of using me.  It's not fair!

I just want one person who really understands.  I need some one to help me move on and let go.  I need some one who can take the time to put my heart back together.  I just want some one to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth for once!  I just want the pain to stop.  I want to be able to cry with out having to worry about who sees me.  

I need some one to care.  I need some one to tell me it's going to be okay, because time is only making it hurt worse.......

I don't even want revenge.  I just want to go back to the way things were.  When he would say he loved me, even if he didn't mean it.  When I felt like some one actually wanted me for who I was.

But its obvious that I'm unlovable and unwanted, so I won't try to reach out any longer.  I'll give up and just wait for some one to want me enough to save me from this pain.