You Thought You Knew Me

The Face In The Mirror

When I look in the mirror I see a girl with a strained smile and ice cold blue eyes. But when others look at me they see a girls with a happy smile and gentle eyes. It is proof that looks can be deceiving. I can't leave the house without make up. When I do go without it people ask what happened. They are referring to the dark circles below my eyes, my translucent and colorless cheeks, and my pale lips. What can I say? You don't tend to look all that pretty after a night with no sleep. I would look like the walking dead without make up. Plus, people are more accepting of me when I look awake and cheerful. They prefer the bright rosy cheeks, no dark circles, and pretty pink lips version of me.  Not that I blame them.

I used to look just fine without applying layers of cosmetics to my face. But that was before everything went wrong. That was back when I could get a good night of sleep. Before the migraines and constant pain. Some how I manage to keep the image of pure agony off my face when I am at school. Some call it being strong, I call it being weak. I am to weak to let people see the real me.  Whether that be a blessing or a curse, I have yet to decide.

I used to be semi pretty. But now I have scars from surgeries and IV's. I no longer have near as much muscle in my right leg. I can't run without causing myself further pain. So I am stuck in a house forced to watch everyone else have fun living their lives. I have gone from a girl who was always outside to a girl that barely goes for a walk. I used to go horse back riding and I finally got my very own horse named Red Man. I was so happy, genuinely happy. But it was to good to be true. My health issues keep me from even entering the pasture. I can pet him over the fence, that is it.

I keep a halter in my bedroom. A reminder of what could be. A taste of what I strive to reach. A hint at what will happen.  

The girl they see is who I strive to be. But when I look in the mirror all I see is me. They see a girl who they might say is pretty. But that is not the real me. The face in the mirror is who I am and all I will ever be.