It’s ridiculous how one person can break you into pieces just by seeing them.
No one of us loved more, that is what I realized when I was headed to Harry at Seoul Orthopedic Hospital. Hot tears fall down my cheeks and I can’t help but feel anger towards him. One name and I’m back to broken pieces.
The past year was unimaginably tolerable. Living with Lorraine, Stephan and Jonathan made me somehow forget. But no one really forgets. I had built new memories and created new stories to cover up those ones I left behind. But every night when I lay down in bed alone they creep into my sleep and bury me with nightmares from the past.
I had long coped up with that, having Harry lie that he is dead, I made myself believe that he has indeed died. But I loved him, no lies made can ever change that.
There were times when I’d wake up feeling somewhat different, but then I’d remember and I’m stuck to the old Summer. Almost lifeless.
I had given Jonathan the chance, and I’m happy I did. I never felt so loved for the longest time. I think he understands me more than anyone. Somehow he made me believe that I can love again.
I will just visit him, see how he’s doing, I said to myself the letters still in my hands. After that I’ll go home and Jonathan will be there waiting for me. One year ago I already made my choice and my meeting Harry won’t change that.
I opened the door to his room and saw him sitting in a hospital bed his head towards the window. I walked closer as he nudged his head towards me, I tried to talk but words paused and sat down my throat.
“Mom, can you please leave me alone for awhile?”
I stared at him confused, looked around me. No one is there except the both of us. I walked right in front of him my hands stretched in front of me trying to reach him. I am sure he sees me now.
“Mom, please not now.”
I can feel my hands tremble as I move my hand up and down his eyes. He didn’t blink.
“Nappeun nom.” (Bad man/jerk) His breath tightens and the white walls of his room seem to close in on us. Suffocating us with words that the both of us will never say.
“Nappeun nom.” My hand curled in his sheets, tears flowing angrily down my face. I lost every reason and threw the letters on the wall adjacent his bed.
“NAPPEUN NOM!” I shouted.
“Summer.” He said weakly.
“Harry is lying that you died really not enough? Am I really nothing to you Harry?”
“Summer.”
“YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU CANNOT SEE!”
“I’m sorry I…”
“You’re sorry?” I almost laughed at the thought. Does he really think that low of me? That I am someone he cannot trust? How many secrets of him that I don’t know about? Do I really know him? Has he been honest with me all along? I don’t know what to think anymore, everything about us is a lie.
“I didn’t mean to Summer, you are leaving! The least thing I can do for you is to not let you worry.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have…”
“Stayed?” he completed my words as if they were his own. I nodded not minding if he didn’t see that gesture.
“You don’t have to feel sorry for me.” he smiled, his face showed no pain but I know him too well.
“It’s been hard. I moved faraway but all I see is you. All the time I was away I wish I could come back. Why now?”my voice helpless. I can feel myself falling yet again to his trap.“I don’t think I need your letters. I’ve moved on.” I lied.
I turned my back on him willing myself to walk away, but my feet stayed frozen on the floor. If I go now, I leave him forever. If I stayed…
I felt him stir on his bed and the next thing I know he is standing behind me his arms wrapped around my shoulders.
“Don’t leave me please. I don’t think I can ever go on without you.” He is crying and all I can ever do is hold his hands that are holding me.
“I love you.”
The apartment is as empty as I left it, Jonathan’s lights from his bedroom is turned off. I walk straight into my room to pack my things and there I saw my wall vandalized by Jonathan’s writing.
I felt it in my hands, long before I finish reading his letter I know which end I will go to. I took one last look at it. I didn’t move. I looked over to wall and rested my hand on his writing for as long as I could stand it. Then, in a swift motion I tried erasing what he has written.
I tumbled then into bed my head close to the wall that paralleled Jonathan’s.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered and in that moment,
I could hear the both of us somewhere, crying.
