I honestly thought we’ll be together forever.
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Dear Harry,
I don’t know how many times I’ve written you the same letter over and over again, but believe me when I tell you that this time, this one will be different.
I don’t know when I started loving you more than a friend, either you fell in love first or I did. The facts are already unclear but I know this much, I loved you more.
Do you know how I felt the day they told me you died? I just lost it. It seems like hours, days, months passed without me knowing. I lost my appetite. I lost my energy. I lost myself.
It’s funny Harry that you tell me everyday that you love me but there are times that I doubt if you really do. You know why I’m spending so much effort in writing you letters? It’s because I thought that once you see how hard I’m trying you’ll remember how much you love me. And then you’ll come back. Even if it’s only in my dreams. You’ll come back to bid goodbye.
You never did Harry. All this time that I tried you never return, all I’m asking for is closure. But how come it ended up like this? I never wanted to forget you this way. I don’t Harry. But you leave me no choice. You didn’t even try.
I’m not asking you to come knocking in my front door alive. I’m just asking for that one simple glimpse, even if it’s only in reverie. Just one smile so at least I know you’re happy wherever you are now.
I’m not asking for too much.
I know you sacrificed almost everything for me but don’t you think I sacrificed almost everything too?
You’re not the only one who is making sacrifices Harry. You’re not the only one who is suffering. So why does it feel like I haven’t done that much for you?
You know how much I love you. But will it be enough to cover up this pain I’m feeling? Will it be enough for both of us? It makes me think you already stopped loving me long before this. True love isn’t supposed to be like that. True love transgresses time. True love loves even in death.
I just wanted to see you one last time. Hold you. Feel you. Know that you’re not just this figure I created in my mind because honestly Harry there are times when I think I’m going crazy.
There are times I thought I see you walking somewhere, there are times I thought I see you just around the corner smiling that lopsided smile of yours. But it was never really you Harry. Because you are gone.
I often think that I’m in this world where I can’t point whether I’m living in reality or in some vague dream where you’re in it.
So I decided to leave. I don’t know what will happen if I stayed here longer.
I’m leaving, Harry. Can you imagine me somewhere else and not here? Without you? At first I thought I can’t but then I realize even if I’m here I’m no longer with you. You’re gone just like that. Without even saying goodbye. And I have to accept that.
But I need to forget you. I need to forget everything in order to accept that you’re gone. I have to make myself believe that you never existed. It’s impossible. I know. But honestly, that’s the only way that I can move on.
You are a part of me Harry and I’ll try hard to erase you.
I hope that one day I’ll just wake up unable to recall the sound of your voice, not quite sure of how your eyes fire when it meets mine. Or maybe I won’t even notice that you are fading in my memories.
And when that day comes I will be incredibly, horribly, painstakingly happy.
Always,
Summer
I folded the letter carelessly, grabbed my coat and marched my way out to Harry’s house. I didn’t wait any longer to give it; I might lose the courage I’ve been saving when this time comes.
His house is only a few blocks away from mine and when I saw that blue two-storey house I had second thoughts. I am afraid. I let my feet drag me closer. I was about to leave it in their doorstep like Jonathan and I always do. Well Jonathan mostly. But the door is slightly ajar and I remember what Lorraine said just a few hours back.
“Remember to leave his letter in his room.”
I cringed as the door creaked and walked my way up. I stopped at the familiar blue door I’ve been opening since I learned how to.
I felt the knob in my hands and turned it slowly.
I was expecting it to be empty, but it wasn’t.
I felt the whole world crumble in front of me as I try to steady my gait but failed. I reached for something to hold on to.
There were bandages that covered his body. His eyes. His feet. There are angry red burns and bruises in his face. I could’ve mistaken him to be somebody but I know him enough to believe that he is indeed Harry. I held my breath. I am willing myself to speak but words can’t escape my mouth.
Harry is here.
Burnt.
Broken.
Bruised.
But alive.
I walked feebly to reach him but my knees are too weak, tears flowed freely in my eyes and it blurred my vision. I tried to walk and hold him, but then there’s a sudden loud crash behind me. Shattered pieces of glass are scattered on the floor.
I saw him move his head to where the crash came from.
He was about to speak, but someone already asked his question before even saying it.
“Summer?”
