Two months. And it still feels like yesterday.
“You’re writing to him again?” I tried my hardest to hide my pen and paper when Lorraine entered my room. Since Harry’s death she and Stephan decided it’s best that having them beside me will make things a whole lot easier. They were right, but they can’t be with me the whole time. Especially those lonely nights when I thought I hear stones being thrown at my window.
Those nights we’re the hardest. And I get by by writing to him. It feels like he’s just there, waiting for my letter each day and maybe when I found the right words to say he’ll come back. Because honestly speaking, Jonathan has been really good to me but then he is not Harry. He will never be Harry.
“I was just….” I tried, but no words came out to excuse my pathetic self thinking that one day Harry will come back.
“He’s dead.” I hate it when Lorraine says that. IT seems final. It seems so real. But it is isn’t it? Harry really is dead.
“You keep saying that.” I answered.
“I will keep on saying it until you realize that it’s the truth.” She stood up and opened my closet, pulled some of the dresses that Harry liked and dumped it on the floor. After that she opened the bag she was carrying a while back and started putting some new ones. Why does she get the feeling that new clothes would change everything?
“There’s no need to do that.” I picked up the clothes she threw and held them in my hands. Harry liked these clothes. He never told me he liked it but I can see the way he looks at me when I wear them.
I looked at the window and saw drops of snow falling. During those times when Harry was in the military, snow was comforting. Snow meant just around the corner spring will take place and Harry will come home. Now there’s no reason to love the snow anymore.
“Stephan will be here in a minute.” And just on cue, Stephan peeked on the door and smiled.
Unlike Lorraine, Stephan has been a little bit understanding. He allows me to have some time all by myself and think. He assures me that sometimes it is okay to be lonely.
“Pizza?” and just by saying that Lorraine pulled a 180 and smacked him hard on the head with a hanger. He screamed in pain. “What was that for?”
I smiled. Harry likes pizza. Every wrong word Stephan says that reminds me of Harry leads to him having concussion. I think maybe, Lorraine is being hard on herself than that she allows herself to be.
“There’s no need in doing that Lorraine. You can’t erase him by not saying the things that reminds me of him.” I stood up and choose some clothes Lorraine just folded in my closet. “I’ll just get dressed and be out in a while. You wait for me downstairs.”
Stephan smiled and moved towards the door while Lorraine just stood there, looking proud at herself. Stephan scratched his head, winked at me then dragged her out of the room. “You don’t have to watch her dress herself she can manage.”
I can still hear them bickering outside, the last I heard of her is her complaints. “But what if she gets her dress backwards.” That made me laugh. For such a long time that I didn’t, it feels that, maybe after a little time… after this process of grieving I can live life again. I will live life again.
I took out the crumpled letter out of my drawer and read it again.
Quote
LETTER # 62
Harry,
This is the 62nd letter I wrote you eversince you’ve gone. I don’t know how many more I’ll write until I grow tired of waiting for something that will never come.
There are days when I try my hardest not to think about you. And there were those days when I keep on thinking hard about you. Of all the one hundred and one ways that you could have chosen to hurt me, you always end up choosing the one that breaks my heart.
But why do I always keep on forgiving you? You always told me you’ll come back for me. Why didn’t you? Why do you always have to break your promise? And why do I always keep on believing them? Is it because I love you too much?
Lorraine gave up her dreams of becoming an artist. But she still goes to this agency here. Stephan also gave up his. Even Jonathan didn’t attend law school. Everyone’s been giving everything up because of you and me. Why does it always have to be that way? Why can’t we give something up for them instead?
I was thinking, maybe my sacrificing my feelings for you would mean that I’m giving them something in return. Not having to think of me, and not being a burden all the time. Because honestly Harry I can’t stay like this forever. I mean I can if I want to… but still… you wouldn’t want me to be sad forever don’t you?
I don’t know what else to do Harry. All these times you always have it all figure out for me.
The moon is out but it’s snowing. The sky is dark but light is shining through. The world is still the same but mine isn’t because you’re not here.
Harry please come back.
Always,
Summer
I folded the letter neatly and then placed it inside an envelope. I wrote Harry’s address which is just a few blocks away from mine and then sealed it.
I reached for my phone and keyed in the number I memorized for quite some time now. I didn’t feel the need to tell him why I called. He already knows.
“Another letter?” he asked just for the sake of it.
“Yes.” There was silence after that, “Thank you…” I added. “Really Jonathan, thank you.”
For now, that's just how much I can do for Jonathan.
