No one waits forever.
Quote
Dear Harry,
Last night I read about Charlie. How he often writes a letter to someone who will never write back. Still he writes. He writes about the things that's been happening to him, not the usual story telling you do with friends, his gave life more meaning. He tells things about feeling infinite and I swear I would give up anything just to feel how being infinite feels. At that time I swear I would give up anything just to feel that Harry, even you.
He also talked about books, songs, doing mixtapes and poems. He reminded me more of myself really, but not the crying part. You see, he cries a lot. When he feels like crying he cries, when I feel like crying I laugh.
I also thought about when did I ever feel that I've spent life, spent it really, like Charlie does when he shared a song with his friends. Often I'd think I spent life when I'm with you. But I think of our memories together and all I could see are vague and blurred memories of the past that I can't even tell the real ones from those I only imagined.
Where are you Harry? Your mom's been acting really weird. We visited your house yesterday and she suddenly rushes to the front door and never let us in. And what's weirder was Celine was there. Why is she there Harry?
After that I spent many hours riding to and from the train stations, looking by the window just thinking things through. If you really loved me, you should've written back just once. Just so you can assure me that I have something worth waiting for. You never gave me reasons Harry. You never did.
Stephan once told me that forever differs from each other's point of view. He said that forever is up until that one person thinks he or she cannot handle things any longer, that he or she needs to start another forever again. At first, everything he said was just this complete jumble of words that will never give life meaning. Until it finally did.
There was one time when I rode the train for hours that the conductor practically begged me to stop. I told the conductor to let me ride until I reach the station near our home, he finally gave up and said to the passengers that my compartment is already full even if I am the only one in it. You know Jack? He is the conductor, he never knew me, but he said he knew about what happened between me and you and that he felt the need that I should take that one last ride to clear my mind.
It did, Harry. That last train ride cleared my mind. And what Stephan said finally made sense. I have gotten to the point where I need to start making a new forever. I'm tired of waiting. Do you think I'm just some girl who waits for you to come back? I should have known.
Maybe often times I'd think of you exactly the same way how Charlie missed his Aunt Helen or Michael. Both were dead like you. And like Charlie, I'd try to think happy thoughts that happened so I won't be scared, especially at night, when the thought of losing you just plays constant in my dreams.
I'd be okay like Charlie. I'd be okay, Harry. Even if I'm not, I am going to be okay. And you are going to be just fine.
I still love you. I just stopped hoping and believing in the idea that one day you'll come back.
I've realized that, you will never come back unless you really wanted to.
Summer
After leaving that one last letter in Harry's mailbox, I accidentally bumped into Jonathan.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Nowhere just walking. Left another letter?"
His voice was a little shaky, but I guess it just have something to do with the weather and all that thick and frozen snow.
"Yeah. The last one I think."
He smiled. "You said that when I dropped your seventieth letter. This was your eightieth."
"It really is the last one." my voice probably sounded sad because Jonathan just looked at me after saying that.
"If you want I'll walk you to your rock." I smiled. He calls my favorite place as my rock. That one big rock Harry said was his favorite spot.
"I think I'll pass on that one." I said, trying my hardest not to think about Harry.
"Okay. See you in school after winter break." he told me and is starting to move in the opposite direction.
"Hey Jonathan?" I called.
He turned back at me and I saw the Jonathan that isn't shadowed by Harry's features. They look alike, but when you really look at both of them they are not. They are complete opposites.
"How about if you walk me to your favorite place instead?"
And he did.
