You always think of beautiful things. You always do.
"Thank you. Really Jonathan, Thank you." she said before I hang up. Her picture still set as my background. For almost five years that I've known her, I never changed it. I can still hear the dial tone, and for one moment there I want to tell her everything. I wish I can just tell her everything.
That's when I remembered the haiku I was writing down in the sand, I read it again.
Happy-Sad Summer
I look at you,
and that pained expression
you wear everytime you hear his name.
Oftentimes you try to feign your expression with a smile,
but I know you.
I know you like the back of my hand,
and with that fake smile comes a thousand tears left unshed.
You always have your way of faking it.
But never did you fool me. Never.
I laughed at myself. Is this even a haiku? Then I stood up, leaving the pathetically written haiku in the sand, waiting for the waves to crash into it and bury it deep into the waters never having to resurface again like words forgotten in time.
I brushed the dirt on my jeans as I walked the path to Summer’s house. Another letter. If I’m not mistaken it’s her sixty second, and for that 62 letter she never had a reply.
When I reach her house I saw her there. Sitting by her window, looking at nowhere and with that exact same look I know that it will take her some time to finally move on. For days I watch her just sitting there, unaware of the world around her, her eyes showed sadness but her heart radiates hope. Summer always thought of beautiful things, always thought that things will turn out for the better. That, I guess, is her greatest flaw.
I walk my way up to her room and then knocked on her door. Stephan and Lorraine were there. They never really liked the thought of me hanging around Summer because they thought, I remained her so much of Harry. Same jet black hair, same small half moon eyes, same bright and radiant smile, same low and soothing voice. My whole being, they say, reminded her of Harry. Except of course, that I was more fun than Harry. More bubbly and energetic. But that didn’t make that much of a difference, I will never be Harry. And for that mere fact, Summer will never love me as much as I love her.
The clicking of the door knob broke me off my senses. “You’re fast.” She said, smiling. That fake smile again.
“I was just around the corner when you called.” I answered without expression.
“Is there something wrong?” I look at Summer and then back to the window where I last saw her sitting. It is the first time she asked me that. Then I noticed specks of white glittering snow falling down the window and I know when time pass and she finally knows the truth, my feelings will be long burdened with this snow. Cold and frozen with time.
“I think I might have gotten the flu.” I lied. Then smiled back to her again. “You’re going out?”
“Yes. Lorraine’s bugging me. And I think it will help to clear my mind a bit.” She placed the locket she’s been holding at the table besides her bed. it was the locket Harry gave his father. He remembered it quite clearly, the plans, the lies. Everything that Harry intends to play at Summer.
“It’s best that she knows I’m dead.” He heard him one night.
“But son, it will break her heart.” It won’t just break her heart, I wanted to scream but no words seem to come out. I remain frozen on the spot, right behind Harry’s door.
“I’m cripple and I’m blind, dad. She’ll just spend more time in me than herself. You know her. You know how much she worries.” I’ve never heard him sound so sad. It was as if he was trying his hardest not to cry. “Her whole life will stop with mine if she knows the truth.” And that’s when he held the locket in his hands.
“Tell them you found this at the camp. Tell them I was carrying it tightly in my hands. It is the least I can do for Summer. I love her so much and I don’t want to burden her with my deformities.”
“Hey. Jonathan have you been listening?” Summer’s voice broke into my senses and I realized I’ve been thinking too much about Harry that I completely forgot where I was.
“Sorry, I told you I think I have the flu and it’s trying to get into my brain first. Wait till I get those viruses off.” I shook my head animatedly. That’s when Summer laughed. There was something in that laugh that made me stop what I’m doing.
I look at her and for one moment there I thought that just this once I saw her laughing genuinely at me. that one smile and laugh that she only share with Harry. I never thought that it could be this beautiful. I can feel my heart beating faster and faster within seconds. How can someone be so beautiful?
“You want to come with us?” she asked.
“Nah. Lorraine never understood my humor.” I said.
“Would it be alright then? If you’d drop this by at Harry’s.” she said pointing at the letter in my hands.
“Yeah sure.” I stopped then looked at her. “Gwenchana?” (“Are you going to be okay?”)
“Ne.” (Yes) and then she smiled that feigned smile again. “Neohuinen nareul mideora. Guereohjyo?” (You believe in me.Right?)
“Ne. Nan neol mideo.” (Yes. I believe in you.) I replied and then left.
I walked to the path where I always go whenever Summer is asking me to deliver a letter. When I reached my destination I looked at the letter and thought of all the lies Harry and I has been keeping, then I dropped it to where I’ve been always dropping them…
Summer deserves better.
