The Darkness Within (Peaky Blinders) Thomas Shelby

30. Demons

But even in the dark I saw you were the only one alone

But these hot gates you spent your victory on

Though your swore you wouldn't do this anymore

And I can't be for you all of the things you want me to

But I will love you constantly

There's precious little else to me

And though we cry, we must stay alive

- Hot Gates, by Mumford & Sons

Each day it got worse. She could feel it building up inside her and she knew it was only a matter of time before it happened again. She just didn't think it would be that day. The day before the races.

Tommy had woken first and didn't want to wake her after their late night so he left to go about his business. Maybe if he was there when she had woken up it wouldn't have been bad. He would have smiled, said good morning, kissed her and she would have gone downstairs to see Polly or one of the guys.

But not this morning. She woke alone and when that happened she didn't want to leave the bed. She sat up and reached for her nightgown from where it had been thrown the night before and pulled it over her head. Then she grabbed her dressing gown and put it on, tying the rope around her waist... but only because she was cold. Then she lay down again and there she stayed.

The hours ticked by. If Tommy had left early anyone downstairs would have just thought she was with him, until she heard the steps creaking as someone made their way up them.

"John, what are you doing?" Polly's voice called up.

"Seeing if Kiara's in her room." John called back.

"I haven't seen Tommy all day either, she's probably with him."

"Tommy's at the Garrison, I saw him this morning." John had replied. Kiara could hear every word in her room; sounds travelling up and down the staircase easily.

Tommy was at the Garrison. At the Garrison with Grace. He was with Grace this morning when she woke alone.

That was her thought pattern... and that was the snapping point.

He didn't mean anything by it of course. He had just woken early and left early, not wanting to wake her up. He went to the Garrison because he always went to the Garrison. But that wasn't how her mind worked when that darkness began to creep in.

Tommy and Grace.

"I'll meet you here at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning." Tommy was saying to Grace as they discussed the plan for the races the next day while he sat in the private booth, reading the paper. "Did you buy a dress?"

"Yes, I bought a dress." She nodded.

"How does it look?" He asked.

She smiled and nodded as a reply... then Polly came charging through the front door of the Garrison and moved straight to Tommy in the back room, shoving past Grace on her way.

"Pol? What's the matter?" Thomas asked before she had the chance to speak.

"I need you to come back with me." She stated, throwing a weary glance towards Grace as Thomas looked at his aunt curiously. "Now." She then turned her back and walked out the door as Thomas jumped to his feet and went after her. Grace walked further into the back room, moving to the window to look out and watch, unable to hear, as Polly explained what was going on now that they could speak without being heard.

"It's Kiara." Polly said to her nephew. "She had another episode."

"And you left her alone?!" Tommy yelled in a whisper, clearly outraged.

"John's with her now. He's better with her than I am, but she needs you." Polly explained, but before she had even finished her sentence Tommy had taken off at a run, cursing the copper who slashed the wheels to his car as he did.

He arrived home and ran through the door, bolting straight upstairs to the bedroom, but half way up he froze for a split second as a gun shot fired. He leapt the final steps and burst through the door to find John just pulling a gun from her hand and then throwing is on the bed before trying to pin her arms down by her side as she screamed in rage, wanting to break free.

Tommy ran in front of her, allowing John to continue holding her as he spoke.

"Hey, hey, hey," He tried to grab her attention, "Look at me, Kiara. Kiara! Look at me." He demanded. She calmed in John's arms as she did, her breathing heavy.

Tommy glanced over to his younger brother and gestured for him to let her go which he did after a minor hesitation. When his grip loosened she ripped herself free before shoving Tommy back and then following after him, pounding on his chest with her fists, unable to speak only scream in rage.

John went to help, but Tommy held out his arm to stop his brother before grabbing Kiara's wrists.

"John, leave us." Tommy said to his brother. "It's alright go." He tried again when he hesitated.

John closed the door behind him before Kiara's angry screams turned to sobs as her legs fell out from under her and Tommy guided her to the ground, letting her fall back on his chest as he wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head.

"You weren't here." She finally managed to say in a voice so soft he could only just hear it. "You were with her."

Tommy sighed lightly, closing his eyes and clenching his jaw over his own mistake. He should have known better.

"I didn't want to wake you." He said. "Yes, I was at the Garrison, but I'm there everyday. You know that, K. Or you would if you were yourself."

"I can handle the others, Tommy... just not her."

"What do you mean?" He whispered back.

"Lizzie Stark, whoever else..." He swallowed back a lump in his throat, "just not Grace. She's not one of them. It's different."

"There is nothing going on, Kiara. It's just business. I'm paying Grace to attend the event, that's it. You need to stop this. You swore you would."

"I can't. I can't get it out."

"I know." He breathed back. "But it's getting worse." Tommy looked over his shoulder to the gun that rested on the bed.

A gun. Bottle, knives, sometimes she just came close and resorted to whiskey until she couldn't stand anymore, but never a gun. He recognised it as John's, realising she must have snatched it from his holster when he went to calm her. His eyes flicked over to the wall, the wall where he heard the shovels, now seeing a bullet hole from the stray fire in the struggle just under the painting.

Tommy leant his head back against the bed and closed his eyes, Kiara still in his arms.

'Now it's a place for both our demons.' He thought.