I slept in Blake's room that night. My feelings toward him hadn't changed. But all of the talk about Benn had left me feeling even more lonely than normal. I didn't think I'd last long in the state I was in if I was alone.
"Jesse, wake up."
"Fuck off." I groaned, swatting Blake's hand off my shoulder.
"No. Wake up." He said, "You need to go home."
"I thought you wanted me to stay over."
"I don't mean your dorm. I mean you need to go home. To Jersey."
I felt my heart sink a bit when he said that. But I just lied still, not looking at Blake.
"I don't want to go home."
"No, you don't want to see Benn."
"That's not why-"
"Shut up." He snapped, "Yes it is. But you're being stupid."
"Blake, you don't understand." I sighed.
"I understand fine."
He slapped me in the head then, shocking me a bit. So I sat up quickly, finally looking at him.
"You're scared of getting hurt again. I get that. But you can't hide from him. You're just hurting yourself."
"I'm fine." I said, attempting to swallow the lump that was growing in my throat.
"You're not fine, Jess. You're a fucking shit show. And that's coming from someone who likes you. You need to go and try to talk to him so you can figure out where you stand."
"What if he doesn't want to talk to me?" I asked.
"Then you make him."
"Well what if he isn't even home?"
"Then you get to spend Christmas with your family." Blake said, "You kind of win no matter what."
I nodded slowly, feeling the nervousness start to burn my insides.
"Will you come with me?" I asked Blake.
"No." He sighed, "It'll be harder for you to get him back with another guy hanging around."
I watched his heart break when he said that. Knowing that he liked me more than I liked him made me feel like an ass. But there wasn't anything I could really do about it.
"I know you think it's weird that I'm trying to get you back with him." Blake said quietly, "Like, he seems like a huge prick and I'd rather you date me. But I know you don't like me like that. And for whatever reason, you do like him like that. So if being with him again will make you smile more than once a month, then that's what I want for you."
I was quiet, staring at my lap as I tried to collect my thoughts.
"Please, Jesse. Just do this one thing for me, and go home."
An hour later, I was driving down the highway toward New Jersey. It only took around two hours for me to get home, which was good. It didn't give me enough time to convince myself to turn around.
As I drove through my town, I kept noticing places and remembering things. I passed the soccer field where I'd played as a kid. I'd hated every minute of it, but Benn always stood on the sidelines with my parents to cheer me on. I passed my mom's favorite grocery store. I couldn't help but laugh when I thought of all the times when I would make him push me in the cart when we were there alone. I passed the movie theater; where Benn and I had gone on our only real "dates". They'd all been during the time when we had to keep our relationship a secret. We would go late at night so no one else was around, hold each other's hands, and pretend things were normal.
