The warm summer night was quiet on my suburban New Jersey street. The lights were out in every house I could see, and no one roamed the sidewalks with me. It was three in the morning. So the silence wasn't surprising. Usually, I wouldn't have been out this late either. But tonight my head was spinning.
I walked to the end of the street, then crossed and continued back the way I came, pausing at the house across the street from mine. I looked up at the far right window on the second floor. My stomach twisted, causing me to turn my eyes back to the ground. I made myself keep walking. But I couldn't keep the thoughts away.
Behind that window was my best friend's bedroom. I kept imagining him lying in the dark, staring at the ceiling, feeling as sick as I did. I didn't want that for him. I loved him too much.
We'd been best friends since he'd moved in across the street from me when we were five, twelve years ago. I remembered the day so clearly. I was so excited when I found out that a kid my age was going to live so close. I ran right over when I saw him. We'd been basically inseparable since that day. But if I could have known then how things would be now, I might have stayed inside.
My mind drifted back to earlier in the night. We'd been sitting in my room, brainstorming ideas for the next piece of art he would make. I was a writer, and he was an artist. We liked to combine our arts by having him base his drawings off of things I'd written. He could draw so well that it looked like a photograph, and always managed to portray exactly what my writing meant. We were an awesome team; each the other's muse. We always had been.
Near midnight, Benn's mom called him and asked him to come home. I walked him to the front door as I usually did. But this time, we kissed before he walked off the porch.
It wasn't that I kissed him, or he kissed me, and the other was surprised. It just kind of happened, as if it was what we normally did. That kiss broke the tension that had been sitting between us for years. But it also created another level of tension, one that would be harder to break. We both just stood there when it ended, looking at each other. Then, Benn left without saying another word to me. I watched him walk across the street, closing my front door when he closed his.
I sat in my bedroom for a few hours after that, thinking about the past, and writing sad poems. Benn and I had never acted like normal friends. We'd always been touchy, holding hands at random times and sleeping close to each other when we slept in the same bed.
His brain was... wired differently than most. He'd been diagnosed with severe anxiety when he was young, but we all knew it was something deeper than that. His odd mind was made even harder to deal with by his unsupportive father. All his dad would ever do was tell him to "get over it", or hit him. So, Benn hated showing when things hurt him. He'd grown up being taught that emotions were bad. But he couldn't really control his. I was the only person he wasn't ashamed to cry in front of. It seemed like we'd always been connected in a stronger way than other friends were. The only way I could describe it, was that Benn and I were soulmates.
I'd known I was in love with him for years, and if my soulmate theory was right, he loved me too. I was pretty sure Benn felt the same way I did. I could tell by the way he looked at me. But when you find your other half so early in your life, it can be hard to realize what the relationship is really supposed to be.
So once I realized that we were supposed to be more than what we were, I was too scared to do anything about it. There were two things holding me back. First, I didn't want to lose him if I ended up being wrong. Second, Benn had a girlfriend.
I got back to my house at close to four o'clock. I quietly slipped up the stairs and into my bedroom, immediately collapsing onto my bed. I had a quick thought that I wanted to die, but pushed it away. Benn was just a boy. He was the most important boy in my life, but still. He was just a boy.
I sat up again to take my shoes off, but something on my windowsill caught my eye. A yellow flashlight. I stood up and walked to it, smiling as I picked it up. Benn and I had taught ourselves Morse Code one summer a few years before. For a while, we'd stand in our roomsat night and flash messages to each other. We still did it once in a while, but hadn't lately.
I pushed my curtain away, quickly flashing the light at his window. I didn't want him to respond. I wanted him to be asleep. But playing with the memory made me feel a little better. It made me think of times when things weren't complicated.
My heart sank when I watched his curtain open. I turned off my light, watching as he actually flashed me a message.
Sleep.
It made me feel sick that he was still awake. I knew he was thinking about the same thing I was. There was no way he wasn't obsessing over it.
So I got in bed, intending to try to sleep. But instead, I just cried for hours. I wanted him so badly. The future wasn't looking very bright.
"Jesse, wake up."
I guess I dozed off at some point. When I woke up, it was light out, and Benn stood beside my bed.
"What are you doing here?" I sighed, rubbing my stinging eyes.
"We're going to the beach. Remember?" He asked, "Come on, we still have to pick up Sara and Ashley."
My stomach twisted when I heard the names. Sara, Benn's girlfriend, and Ashley, her little sister; who had a huge crush on me, even though everyone in my life knew I was gay.
"Go without me." I mumbled, pulling the blanket over my shoulder.
"But you always come."
"Next time."
"Jess, school starts tomorrow. There's no next time."
"I don't wanna go."
Benn was silent for a minute, so I looked up at him again. He stood there with his bookbag hanging on his strong shoulders, wearing a ratty tank top and his swimsuit. His long black hair was messy and tangled, sticking up in some spots because he hadn't bothered to fix it. On his biceps, I could still see old picking scars left by a nervous tick he had when he was younger. He was looking at me with so much sadness in his grey eyes.
"Please." He said, his voice shaking slightly, "Just leave it."
His words broke my heart. But in fear of breaking his, I gave in.
I got out of bed and walked across the hall to the bathroom. As I changed, I took a second to look at myself. I was tan, and pretty fit. I kept my haircut clean, shaved around the sides with my dark brown curls longer on top. I was pretty sure I was at least kind of attractive. But, did Benn think that? Was I enough?
When I went back into my room, my heart sank into my stomach. Benn was lying on my bed, flipping through my notebook.
"Did I say you could read that?" I snapped at him.
"You always let me read it."
It was true. I never hid anything from Benn. But this was different. Everything I'd written the night before was about him. So I grabbed the notebook from him, quickly stuffing it under my mattress like I usually did. Benn was silent for a second, his eyes on his lap.
"Okay." He said finally, "Let's go."
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