I wish I had more to say about the months that followed. But I mostly just spent them writing, waiting, and trying to feel as normal as possible. I never really got to that point though. For me, Benn was normal. Dealing with his crazy was normal. Having someone need me was normal. Obviously, I didn't want him to stay sick. But I didn't really know who I was without him. And I understood that that was why he made the decision to leave me in the first place. But that didn't make the loneliness sting any less.
By mid July, the six months that Benn was supposed to be away passed, but he didn't come home. I'd tried to get his mom to tell me something, anything about how he was doing or where he was. But she'd promised him that she would keep quiet. So at the end of August, when he was still absent from my life, I sort of had to make the decision to give up. I had to leave for college and start actually living my life, no matter how empty and futile doing it without him would feel.
For a while, it felt like I was walking around with a knife stuck in my side. But then, everything just sort of went numb. I found myself acting a lot like Benn had for those couple days after his dad died. It wasn't that the pain was gone. But after a while, I got used to hurting.
I sat in my dorm room alone on a Saturday night, a few days before Christmas. I'd decided not to go home for the holiday. My family was pissed at me. But I just couldn't bring myself to go back. I didn't know if Benn was home yet, as he still wouldn't speak to me no matter what I tried. If he was there, I didn't think I could face him.
I hadn't bothered trying to make any real friends since I'd started school. I had some people I would talk to who didn't make me want to die any more than I already did. But the only person I even kind of considered my friend was this guy named Blake. He was supposed to have been a one time hook up. But he had a crush on me. So our relationship had turned into, acquaintances with benefits. Since I hadn't gone home, and he coincidentally hadn't either, I guessed I'd be spending my Christmas with him.
Every time I got a text, I braced myself in case it was from Benn. But this time, like all the others, it was just Blake.
Blake: Hey, beautiful. Are you working?
Jesse: No.
Blake: Got any plans for tonight?
Jesse: Dumb question.
Blake: Awesome. Come by if you want to. I'll order food, after.
Jesse: Not a date.
Blake: It never is.
It didn't take me long to accept the offer. It wasn't that I liked him as anything more than a friend or that I was even that attracted to him. He was kind of like, the big, football playing, jock type. I'd always been more into, well, Benn. But I had nothing better to do. So I got up and hiked across campus to Blake's dorm.
We were finished by nine thirty. I got off, but I wouldn't have cared either way. Sex didn't matter to me. Nothing really did anymore.
"You know I'm not into that." I said when Blake started running his hand over my chest.
"Sorry I keep trying." He sighed, pulling his hand back, "I guess I'll order food now then. Pizza or Chinese?"
"You know, I think I'm just gonna go. I need to catch up on some stuff." I lied.
What I really wanted to do, was go back to my room and get drunk by myself.
I sat up and got dressed, not bothering to look at Blake as I headed for the door.
"Hang on. I have a question."
I turned back, keeping my hand on the doorknob.
"What's wrong with me?" He asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Am I like, not hot enough? Do I have a bad attitude? There's gotta be some reason you won't give me a chance to prove I'm good enough for you."
"You're beyond good enough for me." I sighed, "Blake, it doesn't have anything to do with you."
I let my fingers slide off the doorknob. I could feel my insides starting to burn as Benn took control of my head again. Although, it's not like he'd ever really lost it.
"No, don't do that." He groaned, "I don't need that, 'it's not you, it's me', bullshit."
"It isn't me either."
I tried to swallow my feelings. But I failed, feeling my voice catch as I spoke. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and lit the screen up, smiling at the picture I had set as my lock screen. It was a picture of Benn that I'd taken one day in my bedroom. He sat on the floor, wearing a loose tank top and his hair tucked behind his ears. He'd been super focused on the art project he was working on. When I said his name, he looked up and smirked at me. I felt really lucky to have caught that face. I should have changed my background a while ago. But I couldn't let go.
"It's him." I said, tossing the phone onto the bed.
I watched his eyes fill with confusion as he looked at the picture.
"You have a boyfriend?" He snapped at me, "I've been sleeping with a guy with a boyfriend?"
"No. I don't have..." I began.
I suddenly felt nauseous. I thought about this all the time. But I hadn't talked about it with anyone before. I hadn't let these feelings out in front of another person.
"Oh, shit." Blake said when I started pressing my palms to my eyes.
I didn't want to cry. I'd done enough crying. But I was just so frustrated.
"He's not my boyfriend anymore." I snapped at myself.
After that, it was like an avalanche. I just started spewing out everything about my relationship with Benn, starting from the day we met. I decided that I trusted Blake enough to tell him this. I mean, I let him sleep with me all the time. I guess that had to count for something.
Once I'd managed to stop crying, we went out to my car so we could smoke. Marijuana, along with alcohol and lighters, had helped me cope a little throughout all of this. It didn't fix anything. But it helped me forget how depressed I was for a little while.
"Do you realize how fucked up this is?" Blake asked me, taking a long drag off the joint we were sharing, "He wrecked you, Jesse. You looked like you were so happy before."
I'd showed him some pictures of Benn and me that I had saved on my phone. In them, I looked alive. I pulled the visor in front of me down and opened the mirror. My eyes were blood shot from the weed and the crying. My skin was more grey now than it had been before. I'd stopped having the energy to bother with my hair, so I'd buzzed it. I hardly recognized myself.
"I was happy because I had him."
"He's a horrible person." Blake argued.
"He's sick." I snapped at him.
"You can't just use that as an excuse for letting him hurt you!"
"It's not an excuse. It's the truth." I laughed, "He's sick. He never made healthy decisions. But he was my best friend, and I loved him with everything I had in me."
I was quiet for a minute, slowly letting some smoke roll out of my mouth while I thought.
"I still do. There's not much left in me, but I'm still just as in love with him as I ever was, and it's fucking torture."
"You need to let this go, Jesse." Blake told me.
"I don't want to." I said, "I mean. I know I should. But, I can't. I just can't."
Blake didn't try to fix me. He just kind of listened from that point on. I went on and on about Benn and how much I missed him. I could see that it was bothering Blake. But I couldn't make myself stop talking. I hadn't told anyone about Benn. It felt good to let it out.
