I was lying in Benn's bed at three in the morning. It was still a little weird to me. Before this week, I'd never slept at his house. We'd always hung out at my house so he could get away from his dad. But that was no longer a problem.
He'd been sleeping over here so his mom wouldn't be alone. I'd been staying with him for the same reason. I didn't trust him by himself after what happened. He'd been acting funny. It was like he wasn't really here anymore. He hadn't cried at all in the last week. That would have been rare even if his father hadn't died. He hadn't really smiled either. His eyes just looked so empty.
I lied there silently, counting the freckles on his back as I traced his skin with my thumb. I hadn't been able to fall asleep that night. I had a really odd feeling growing in my chest. I could tell something bad was going to happen. But I had no idea what it would be. I'd been up all night trying to think of possibilities. But I couldn't think of anything that matched the feeling.
I moved forward a little and kissed the middle of his back. I felt him shiver in his sleep, which made me smile a bit. But I couldn't help it when a few tears decided to escape my eyes. I was so scared.
"Benn." I whispered, getting no answer, "Baby, wake up."
He gave me a tired groan in response.
"Turn over." I told him.
"Go back to sleep."
"I haven't yet." I sighed, "B, please look at me."
He turned to face me, stretching as he settled back into place. I silently studied his skin again, and got a little distracted.
"What is it?" Benn yawned.
"I need to ask you something."
"Now?"
"Yes, Benn. Now."
"Okay." He sighed, pulling himself closer to me, "What?"
"What's happening in there?" I asked, tapping on his forehead with one finger.
His eyes moved away from mine, and he didn't answer me.
"You never lock me out. I can't help you if you don't tell me what you're feeling."
"I'm fine, Jesse."
"You really think I'm gonna believe that?"
He was quiet again, looking up at me.
"Just leave it." he told me.
"But-"
"Hey, do you really want to be arguing about this?" He asked me, "We could be using our time for something else."
Before I could respond, Benn had moved so that he was sitting on my hips. I tried not to look at him while he leaned down, pressing kisses into my neck as he slid his hands under my shirt. But resisting him was next to impossible. That was the one issue I had with dating him. He knew my weaknesses. So he could basically use seduction to get out of anything.
An hour later, we were still awake. I ran my fingers through his hair, expecting him to fall asleep again. But he kept his eyes open, silently watching me while a faint smile hung on his lips.
"You know I love you, right?" He asked me.
"Of course I know." I smiled, leaning to kiss him quickly, "I love you too, B."
"And I'm sorry." He said, his voice fading to a whisper.
"For what?"
"I'm just sorry." He sighed, "For all the shit you've dealt with for me, and for whatever I do wrong in the future. I promise, I'm gonna fuck something up."
"Just keep being strong, and don't kiss any boys who aren't me."
"It's not that simple."
"It is to me."
His smile grew a little, but quickly faded again. He leaned to kiss me again. But that kiss felt different from any we'd shared before. It felt final, somehow. He held tightly to my face with one hand, and shook as he took his lips away from mine.
"Baby-"
"It's fine." He gasped, sounding like speaking was painful.
I didn't try to fight him. I just pulled him closer to me, trying to hold him tight enough to take away his bad feelings. I knew it wouldn't really work. But stealing his pain was all I could think of to help him. I held him until he was asleep again. Then I let myself go too.
When I woke up again, I reached out to find Benn before I even opened my eyes. But as soon as I felt the empty space beside me, I sat up. The horrible feeling I'd had the night before was worse now. I quickly brushed away the idea of him just being out of the room, doing something normal. His absence made me feel too sick for that to be the case. The clock on his nightstand told me that it was 4:23am. He should have been next to me.
As I started to get up, I noticed that something was stuck in the waistband of my sweatpants. When I pulled out a folded piece of paper, my heart fell into my stomach. I didn't bother reading it. I knew exactly what it was without having to.
"Benn!" I screamed, almost falling out of bed as I got up.
I ran into the hallway and went straight to the bathroom. Just like I'd expected, the door was locked.
"Benn!" I screamed again, trying to twist the handle enough to bust it, "Benn, open the fucking door!"
My hands became too sweaty to grip the knob anymore. So I changed my method, and started doing everything I could to break the door. It took a minute. But I finally managed to get through. What I found on the other side was exactly what I thought it would be. But, no matter how long I'd had to prepare myself, I would never have been ready to see it.
I pulled the shower curtain back, then had to hang onto it to keep myself from collapsing. There he was, lying in the bathtub... covered in blood.
His clothes were soaked.
His skin was pale.
One hand held a pocket knife.
A single red flower was drawn on the wall.
"Shit!" I snapped, dropping so I was closer to him, "Shit, Benn, no!"
I watched his chest rise a little as I tried to figure out whether or not he had a chance. He was breathing, but extremely weakly.
"Wake up!" I screamed, slapping him across the face as hard as I could, "You piece of shit, wake up!"
He didn't react, but his chest was still moving. I grabbed a towel off the wall and picked up his right arm; finally starting to cry when I actually had to look at what he'd done to himself. It was one, long, deep cut leading vertically from the top of his forearm to his wrist. It was the kind of cut that doctors weren't supposed to be able to stitch up. All I could do was hope like hell that it wasn't deep enough.
I wrapped the towel around the top of his arm as tightly as I could, still screaming at him to wake up. His mom came into the room then. But she didn't make any effort to do anything. She just stood there, staring.
"Call a fucking ambulance!" I shouted at her, "He's dying!"
She did as I asked, then left the room. I guess she didn't want to watch her son die. So she left it to me to try to keep it from happening.
"Benn, stay. Please just stay." I begged him as I held the towel to his arm, "This isn't it. It can't be."
He didn't respond. But I hadn't expected him to. He just lied still, unconscious in my arms as I clung to him.
"I love you, you fucking psycho." I said when I heard the EMTs rush inside, "No matter what, Benn. I will always love you."
