The few hours that I spent in the waiting room at the hospital were agonizing. Everything was so silent. Benn's mom was there, but she didn't speak to me. She sat at the other side of the room, refusing to look at my eyes. I couldn't do anything but sit there and wait to be told whether or not my boyfriend had succeeded in killing himself.
Two hours passed, and no one had come to tell us anything yet. In my hands, I held the note that Benn had left me. I'd gone back for it when the EMTs made me leave the bathroom. But I'd still yet to open it. I didn't want to read the last thing he'd wanted to say to me until I was sure he wouldn't get another chance to say something else. It felt too final.
"We should have just let him go."
I looked up at Benn's mother when she spoke to me. She stared out the window, still not wanting to make eye contact. Her words made my bones feel cold.
"He's never going to be normal. Saving him is just forcing him to suffer more."
"He needs help. That's all." I said, "Letting him die isn't the solution."
"I've tried to help him. He saw a therapist, and he's been on medication since he was a kid. What else am I supposed to do?"
"His meds are for anxiety! We both know his problems go way deeper than that!"
"You don't know anything, Jesse." She scoffed.
"I don't know anything?" I laughed, "I am the only person who has ever really given a damn about Benn! You sat around and let his dad abuse him his whole life! That's at least half of his problems right there! The poor kid is fucking traumatized! Don't try to tell me I don't know what's wrong with him when we both know that no one else has ever loved him properly."
She was silent again. I could see tears running down her cheeks as her eyes stayed focused on the sunrise.
"Am I a shitty mother, Jesse?" She asked after a moment.
"Honestly, yes. You are."
She nodded slowly, finally turning to look at me.
"The day he was born, I knew he was going to be too much for me. Looking at him, I could just feel it. But it's not his fault. It never has been. I'm just too weak to be his mother. He deserved someone else."
I was silent for a moment, so she continued.
"Can you tell me what the note said?"
I looked back at the paper I was holding. For a second, I just stared at it. But eventually, I made myself unfold it.
"Jesse," I began, my voice shaking, "I love you and I'm sorry but I'm just so tired. Please forgive me. Don't go in the bathroom. Love you endlessly, Benn."
"That's all?" His mother asked me.
"Yeah." I nodded, "That's all."
The rest of the time we spent waiting was silent. Finally, three hours after we'd arrived, a doctor came into the room.
"Mrs. Ross?" He asked, as if there was another woman in the room who could have been Benn's mother.
"Yes." She said, standing up calmly, "That's me."
"How is he?" I asked.
I'd tried to keep myself from interrupting. But their conversation was already moving too slowly.
"And who are you?"
"His boyfriend. How is he?"
"It was tough, but he's alive." The doctor began, "We almost lost him, but he pulled through. It was very lucky that you found him when you did."
I shut my eyes tightly as I started crying. Obviously, I wasn't upset. I was just so overwhelmed with relief. I hadn't lost him. Not yet.
"We're keeping him under for a while so that his body can readjust. But I expect him to make a full recovery."
"Thank you." I said to the doctor, wiping tears away from my eyes, "Thank you so much."
"It's what I do." He said, smiling.
"Can, uh, can Jesse go in and sit with Benn?" Benn's mother asked the doctor, "I have some questions."
"That's fine." He told her.
He led me down the hall, to room 382. For a moment, I just stood at the door. I was afraid of what I was about to see. But after a moment, I realized that it couldn't be anything worse than what I'd already seen that night.
"I'll leave you alone." The doctor said as I walked inside, "Let a nurse know if you leave before I come back."
After he closed the door behind me, the only sound in the room was the monotonous beep coming from Benn's heart monitor. His breathing was too shallow to hear.
I took a chair from the wall and slowly brought it to the side of the bed. As I sat down, I couldn't help but let a few tears escape. Benn lied still, his chest rising and falling slowly. His arm was wrapped in a thick white bandage. His skin looked so pale.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do." I said after a moment.
I knew he couldn't hear me. But I needed to talk to him. The silence was unbearable.
"Your mom wants to give up. She thinks I should have let you go. I know you probably would've preferred that, but... B, I can't. I'm sorry."
I could hear my own heart beat as I thought of what else to say.
"I need you. You drive me fucking crazy and I know my life would be a hell of a lot less intense if you weren't around. But I need you. You're my best friend, love of my life... my family. There's no way in hell I'm gonna give up on you. But I need you to fucking tell me what you need."
By then, I was full on crying again. But I didn't care. I was in so much pain.
"I don't know how to help you." I cried, finally taking his hand, "Please just tell me how."
