When my alarm went off at six o'clock the next morning, I felt like crying again. It was September 8th, the first day of my senior year of high school. Last year, Benn had driven me to school every day. The plan was the same for this year. But the thought of being around him made me sick. So instead, I got up and got ready quick enough so that I could catch the bus.
The first two periods of the day were fine; just usual stuff. But when third period came, I knew things were going to start hurting. Benn and I had the same English class. He was already there when I walked in, sitting in the middle of the room beside a kid we were both friends with. I sat down behind someone in the back before he could see me.
As the teacher called roll, my heart was racing. I knew approximately when he'd be called. Even hearing his name upset me. When she called mine, he glanced back. But I refused to make eye contact with him. I knew that ignoring him was selfish and childish. But I couldn't stop thinking about him hitting me. It made him seem like a different person.
After the teacher went over the syllabus, it was time for the ice breakers. I knew that whatever she chose was going to be hard for me to deal with. I didn't want to talk with Benn in the room. But when she told us what to do, I felt like I'd gotten punched again.
"Okay guys, I want you all to line up by your birthdays. But you can't talk."
Benn was only three days older than me. His birthday was January 22nd. Mine was the 25th. We'd always thought it was cool that the dates were so close. But today I felt different. We'd be standing right next to each other.
When the class started moving, I found the beginning of our month. I watched Benn's feet as he stood a few yards from me. Once most people were in line, he came closer. He motioned his date to the girl to my right, then stepped in place between us. As the teacher started talking again, he leaned closer to me.
"Stop ignoring me." He whispered.
I let out a heavy sigh, but didn't respond to him. I could feel my chest starting to burn. None of this was fair.
The rest of the week went the same way. I spent my time avoiding Benn. I wasn't so mad about the punch anymore. I knew that he probably hadn't meant it. But I just didn't know what I was supposed to say to him.
"I'm sorry for wanting to be happy. Let's just act like we don't love each other."
I couldn't lie to him. He knew how I felt. And as much as he wanted to deny it, I knew he felt it too. All I could do now was wait for him to grow up and accept it.
At one thirty on Friday, I walked down the back hall of the school. I'd gotten a pass to go to the bathroom, but had mostly just been roaming. I needed to snap out of this. I needed the black cloud hanging around me to go away. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't focus on anything but Benn.
"Why are you acting like this?"
I heard the voice around the corner and immediately knew who it was. Sara.
"I'm sorry. I just don't feel good."
The next voice was Benn's. I shivered when I heard his low, raspy mumbling.
"This is still about Jesse, isn't it?" Sara snapped, "Benn, get over it! You've been crying about it all week! It's like you're in love with him or something!"
I stood still, trying not to make a sound.
"He's my best friend, Sara! He's never stayed mad at me this long!"
"Well you need to stop being a child. I don't get why this is so important to you. You have other friends."
"But I'm not even half as close to any of them as I am to Jesse. We've been friends for twelve years."
"Well maybe it's time to stop being friends then."
"Fuck you, Sara!" Benn snapped, "You don't get it."
"And maybe you should stop acting like your best friend is more important to you than your girlfriend!"
"Maybe he is!"
I heard heavy footsteps storming off down a different hallway. My first instinct was to run after him. Hearing how upset he was killed me. I wanted to make sure he was okay. But I couldn't let him know I'd been listening.
So instead, I just went back to class.
When I got home, I went directly to my bedroom. The week had drained me. All I wanted to do was sleep. But unfortunately, my mom was home. She followed me upstairs, refusing to leave me alone.
"Love, I want to know why you've been acting funny lately." She said, sitting down on the edge of my bed.
"I'm fine."
"No you're not." She sighed, "Why hasn't Benn been around?"
"Mom, I'm just tired." I said, struggling not to let my voice shake.
"If that were true, he'd be over here napping with you. What happened?"
I stayed silent for a second. I could feel my body shaking as I tried to keep myself together. I'd cried too much this week. But that didn't stop me from breaking down again.
"I love him so much." I said finally, covering my face with my hands.
"I know, baby." She sighed, reaching for one of my hands.
"And he loves me too. I know he does."
"Jesse, please don't get your hopes up. I don't want you to get hurt if he doesn't like you back."
"We kissed on Sunday." I said quickly, "It wasn't just me. But he's stuck saying that he's not gay because he's too scared to accept it."
"I don't think that's what he's scared of." Mom told me, "You know his father. He isn't going to react well if Benn tells him he's gay. Benn can't handle that."
Benn's dad was a major alcoholic and horribly abusive. He was never happy with anything Benn did. When Benn was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, his dad called him weak. When Benn found that drawing helped keep him calm, his dad started to constantly tell him that he'd never be a real man. I couldn't count how many times I'd found bruises on Benn that his dad had given him. Thinking about how scared Benn was made me feel sick.
"I know." I said quietly, "But that doesn't mean he has to lie to me."
Mom was quiet for a minute, thinking about how she could make me feel better.
"I've never seen anyone else love each other like you two. Not even romantically. Just, all together." She sighed, "I remember when you were ten, you came inside yelling about how Benn didn't feel good. So you got a bunch of blankets and made a fort under the hammock. An hour later, I found you sitting with him, rubbing his back while he cried. That was the day his mom finally convinced his dad to let him see a doctor. And when I told you what anxiety meant, you weren't freaked out like other kids would be. You just kept asking me what you could do to help him."
I was silent. I knew exactly where she was going with this.
"I'm going to give you the same advice I did then. He needs you, Jesse. All you can do right now is be there for him while he figures this out."
