Sara lived on the other side of town, so it took around twenty minutes to get to her house. After the first ten were painful and silent, I decided to say something.
"So we're really just not gonna talk about this?"
"There's nothing to talk about."
I watched him tighten his grip on the steering wheel. He didn't look at me.
"Yes there is."
"Jesse!" He snapped, "I asked you to leave it!"
I heard his voice change from sad to scared. So I just stayed quiet. Fighting wouldn't solve anything.
Sara was the exact kind of girl that any closeted guy would use as a beard. She was the definition of a bimbo; long blonde hair, big boobs, and unbelievably dim witted. She was sweet though, and seemed to genuinely care about Benn.
"Hey boys." Sara said, leaning into the front seat to kiss him.
He kissed her back, so I looked away. She wasn't who he wanted to be kissing, right?
"I'm so ready to get a tan." Ashley said happily as she got in the back seat, "Jesse, you're lucky. You don't need to tan."
"I'm Italian." I sighed, continuing to look out the window.
"Oh. Say something in Italian!" She cooed.
"I'm from Jersey." I groaned in reply.
I knew she was just a kid, fourteen. But I wasn't in the mood for dealing with her. Her constant effort to fuck me got annoying.
The drive was mostly quiet. But it didn't take more than half an hour. It was still early when we got there, and not quite hot enough yet. So we went to get breakfast at a diner a few blocks from the beach.
"Jesse what's wrong?" Sara asked me after we ordered, "You seem so down."
"I'm fine." I sighed.
I was struggling not to look directly at Benn. But I was watching Sara as she ran her fingers along his arm. Seeing it felt more nauseating than it usually did.
"Are you sure? You can tell us."
"No I can't." I laughed, "Especially not you."
"Dude." Benn snapped.
I glanced at him quickly, then looked back at the table.
"Can't tell him either."
"Can you tell me?" Ashley asked, laying her hand on top of mine.
"No." I groaned, ripping my hand away, "I can't tell you and I'm still gay. So, again, stop fucking flirting with me! How clear do I have to make it that I don't want anything to do with you? I don't want anything to do with any of you!"
I got up quickly, holding back tears as I left the restaurant. I ran down the street, turning into a small alley before sitting down against the wall. I didn't like crying in public. But who does? I was just so much more upset about the situation than I was trying to let myself believe. Luckily, I'd pulled myself together by the time I was found.
"Why are you doing this?" Benn asked when I looked up at him.
"I'm sorry." I said quietly, staring at my feet, "This is really fucking me up, B."
"It doesn't have to be such a big deal."
"But it is. At least, to me it is."
I could see him getting upset, and it made me feel sick. I didn't like doing this to him. But we needed to talk about it.
"What do you want me to say?" He asked, "I'm sorry you kissed me. But-"
"Don't act like I forced you!" I laughed, standing up.
"Shut up!" he snapped, looking behind himself but finding no one, "Look, I don't wanna be a part of your big gay fantasy!"
"I'd rather fuel a fantasy then be a fucking coward."
"I'm not gay!" He shouted at me, balling his hands into fists.
I kept my mouth shut, watching as his eyes filled with tears. He wiped them away with the back of his hand, shaking as he stared at the ground.
"I'm not gay." He repeated.
He turned around, making me feel sicker. I couldn't let the conversation end with him crying and running away from me. I loved him too much to let him keep feeling so bad. So I reached for his arm, realizing my mistake as I made it. His reflex was to whip around and punch me directly in my right eye. I stumbled back, tripping over a discarded box, and falling on my ass.
"Fuck, Benn! What the hell?" I snapped, covering my eye with my right hand.
My left eye was still open, so I could see the shock on his face. But he didn't say anything. He just stood there for a second before slowly backing away and turning back toward the restaurant.
I sat there alone for a few minutes, trying to pull myself together. All I wanted to do was go after him and tell him I loved him. I wanted to hear him say it back to me. But I knew that wasn't going to happen. At least, not today.
So instead, I stood up, dusted myself off, and walked away from the restaurant. Luckily, my older sister was in town with her friends. So I called her, and she came to get me. As soon as I got in the car, I broke. I'd cried earlier, and last night. But this was much worse. I just kept sobbing, telling her everything. She listened quietly, letting me get the hysteria out of my system. We were back at her friend's beach house when I finally managed to calm down.
I was lying on the couch, using her lap as a pillow. She was quiet, playing with my hair to try to calm me down.
"Why is this happening to me?" I asked her.
"Honestly, I've been waiting for you to realize you like him for years."
"Bullshit, Chrissy." I groaned, "You didn't know before me."
"I knew before you were old enough to understand."
"How?"
"What nine year old boys walk around holding hands?"
"Just us."
"Exactly." She sighed, "Jess, he's gonna come around. But if he doesn't, then he isn't worth it. Don't hold out too long."
I stayed on the couch for the rest of the day. None of Chrissy's friends bothered me, which was good. I wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone.
Benn texted me a few times. But I didn't respond to any of them. I wasn't in the mood to talk anymore.
B: I'm so sorry. Come back. (12:03pm)
B: Jess, where are you? (12:26pm)
B: You're fucking scaring me. (1:07pm)
B: Please answer. (1:32pm)
He tried to call me too, but I'd rejected them before they got to my voicemail. At least then he'd know I wasn't dead. I was just actively ignoring him.
When I got home, I took a shower, then went to bed. But I didn't sleep right away. Instead, I lied awake until one o'clock, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling. Usually, I'd have spent that time writing about how angry I was. But I couldn't find the strength to pick up a pen. Suddenly, I saw a light hit the wall across from my bed. I sat up, following the light back to the window. My heart sank. I knew exactly what it was.
So I stood up and walked to the window. Like I'd expected, the light was coming from Benn's bedroom. But instead of feeling like this was cute, I felt sick. I could feel the bruise that had formed on my face without having to touch it. He'd never hit me like that before. I felt kind of betrayed. So instead of flashing my light back at him, I pulled the curtain shut, and got back in bed alone.
