A month passed, then another, and another, and another. By the end of January, Benn had still yet to tell his dad. His new year's resolution was to stop being scared of him. But I guess he failed it, because nothing changed. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen Benn even make eye contact with his father.
I tried not to let the fact that we weren't public bother me. Everything else about the relationship was great. Since we'd been acting like a married couple since we were kids, we acted basically the same. The only differences were sex, which we now had a lot of, and honesty. Before, we'd both been keeping one secret from each other. Now, we had none.
But despite the amazing state of us, I couldn't get over the fact that we were still hiding. I wanted to be like other couples. I wanted to be those annoying people, making out in the back of a movie theater. I wanted to be able to call after him in the hall and use, "Baby", or, "Love", to get his attention. I wanted to be that couple that people are jealous of.
I'd said I was okay with giving him time, and I was. But it had been five months. In four, we'd be graduating. Time seemed to be running out pretty fast.
I woke up alone on the first Thursday of February. It was the fourth. There were ten days until the first Valentine's day when I would have a real valentine. But he was still hiding from his father in the closet. So it wasn't going to be very special.
Because of the approaching holiday, I'd been in a bit of a mood for the last few days. I'd been doing a pretty good job acting like I was happy with our situation. But I was too annoyed to act now.
I stayed in bed until Benn texted me, like he did every morning.
Benn: good morning ♡ sleep okay?
Jesse: would've been better if you were here
Benn: I'll "fall alseep" in your room doing homework tonight.
Jesse: good idea.
I forced myself out of bed at seven. School started at seven thirty, so we'd make it if I could get to Benn's car by seven ten. I just had to get dressed and clean up a little, so I made it with time to spare. He kissed me hello, but only after glancing around to make sure no one was watching. I hated seeing him do that. It made me feel like he was ashamed of me.
We stopped for coffee and got to school at seven twenty five. Since our lockers were in different wings, I had to say goodbye to him soon after we entered the building.
"See you at lunch." Benn said, smiling at me.
I nodded, pausing for a second where the kiss would be, then turned and walked away. I wouldn't see him again until lunch, or, right before that when I'd meet him at his locker.
____
I was walking down hall alone, ready to rant to Benn about my hatred for math, when I heard my name.
"Hey, Jesse. You got a minute?"
I stopped, looking to the source of the voice. It was a guy I'd known since middle school and shared a few classes with, Joe Karsen. He was one of those kids that everyone liked for just being himself. He wasn't the cutest or the coolest. But he was genuine. So speaking to him wasn't weird to me.
Joe stood by his open locker, rummaging around as he looked at me. I glanced up the hall. Benn stood by his locker just a few feet away. He looked at me, confused. I just shrugged my shoulders, stepping closer to Joe.
"What's up?" I asked him.
"I was wondering if you had plans tomorrow night. There's this college party my brother wants to take me to, and I don't want to be the only kid there."
I felt myself blush a little, instantly knowing what he was really asking. Benn was standing close enough to hear us. Over Joe's shoulder, I could see the disgust in his eyes.
"Why wouldn't you ask one of your friends?" I asked Joe.
For some reason, seeing Benn look jealous made me feel kind of, good. Well, maybe not good. But powerful. For a minute, I could decide what was going to happen.
"I'm bored of my friends." Joe said to me, "I want some knew ones."
His voice sounded so flirty that it was hard not to smile. I didn't really want it. But at least he didn't care who heard him.
"Well, I have a boyfriend." I sighed, glancing at Benn again, "But I don't mind if you don't."
"Doesn't bother me. I'll text you later."
I watched Joe walk off in the other direction before I looked at Benn again. He stood by his locker, staring at me, holding tightly to the lock in his hand. It didn't take me long to feel bad about what I'd done. I'd just made a kid with a severe anxiety disorder think I was cheating on him. How much more horrible could I get?
"Really? You're gonna act like a spiteful prick now?" Benn laughed nervously.
"I wasn't serious." I sighed, stepping closer to him, "I don't know why I did that."
"Because you're mad. I know." Benn said, his voice shaking, "But what did that help?"
"It didn't. I'm just, in a weird mood. I'm sorry."
I reached to touch his arm, but he stepped away from me.
"You think this is easy for me?" He snapped, looking around at the empty hall, "You think I don't want to be open like that? I'm not still hiding to intentionally hurt you. Stop acting like a fucking child!"
"B-"
"No!" He snapped, "You've been doing this all week and acting like I don't know why! You're being all pissy and distant because you're annoyed with me, and I get that. But if you really care then you'll stop with the petty bullshit and just fucking be here for me like you're supposed to!"
"Benn-"
"No!" He shouted at me, slamming his locker shut with a loud bang, "Fuck off! You can walk home!"
He ran down the hall and into a stairwell. I followed, but I didn't catch up with him. I checked all the bathrooms and the cafeteria during lunch, and his next class. But Benn was nowhere to be found. I guessed that he'd slipped out a back door and gone home. At least, I hoped that's where he'd gone.
I couldn't focus during my last two classes. Benn wouldn't answer my texts, and I was getting scared.
I got a ride home from one of my friends. She kept asking where Benn was. But I didn't know. So I just told her he wasn't feeling well.
When we pulled up in front of my house, I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I could see Benn sitting on my porch, huddled in a ball to protect himself from the cold. I was too far to see detail. But I could see red.
I got out of the car and rushed up the sidewalk as fast as I could without slipping on the ice. When I got to Benn, I threw my bookbag down and dropped to my knees.
"Oh my god." I gasped, carefully grabbing his shoulders, "What happened?"
One of his eyes was slightly swollen, surrounded by purple and red skin. His bottom lip was split, and there was blood on his tshirt. He looked up at me with a small smirk on his lips.
"He knows." He laughed, "Are you happy now?"
