I fell asleep by eight o'clock that night. I'd tried to take my mom's advice and talk to Benn, but I still couldn't figure out what to say to him.
When I opened my eyes again, it was late. I didn't bother to look at the time. But that eerie silence of night filled the air. It took me a second to realize that I wasn't alone. A familiar hand was pressed to my chest, the arm hooked around my waist.
"What are you doing here, Benn?" I asked quietly.
"I got tired of missing you." He whispered back.
I was silent, digging my fingers into the mattress as the regret built up inside me.
"I'm sorry I hit you. I didn't mean it. It was just... instinct."
Again, I didn't answer him.
"And I'm sorry for making you feel bad. This situation has really been fucking me up too."
"B, I really appreciate the apologies. But if you're here to tell me that you're hoping things can go back to normal, then I'd really rather go back to sleep. The middle of the night isn't really a good time for you to break my heart."
I knew I was being kind of pushy, but lying would get me nowhere. I didn't need to hear him say I was his best friend. I needed him to tell me he wanted me.
"I need time." Benn said next, his voice shaking, "Please, just give me some time."
I turned over, finally looking into his eyes. They were red and his face was pale. He'd definitely been crying.
"What happens when you don't need time anymore?"
"You're really gonna make me say it?" He asked.
"We're the only ones in the room, Benn."
He took a deep breath, wiping some tears off of his face. I felt his grip tighten around my body as he spoke.
"I love you, Jesse." He said quietly, "I always have. I don't know if I'm gay, or bi, or whatever. I just know I love you, and I'm sorry for hurting you. And all I want to do right now is to sleep next to you so I can pretend this isn't gonna be really hard."
I wiped the tears from his face with my thumb, then let my hand stay there. I took a minute just to look at him. He looked so tired. But his beauty was still overwhelming. We'd slept close to each other before. But I'd never gotten this kind of intimacy from him. He was holding onto me so tightly, and I could see him holding back his urge to kiss me. And while that was something I'd also been craving for a while, I knew we couldn't do it. Benn was still with Sara.
"Go to sleep." I said quietly, "Everything's gonna be fine. I promise."
He nodded slightly, bringing one hand up to hold on to the back of mine. He moved my hand to his lips, kissed my palm once, then hooked his arm around my waist again. I turned back over, pressing my back to his chest, and fell asleep with his lips pressed to the back of my neck.
When I woke up again, it was light out. Immediately, I felt the empty space in my bed. My heart sank into my stomach. Had Benn's being here been a dream?
I sat up quickly, turning to his spot in the bed. The sheets looked like they'd been slept on. But that could have just been me. My first instinct was to smell the pillow he would have used. It smelled like him. But where was he now?
Looking around the room, I found that his sneakers were the on the floor. He'd definitely been here, and probably still was. My stomach settled a bit, and I got up to find him. When I stepped into the hallway, I smelled bacon. So I ran down the steps and into the kitchen. Benn stood by the stove.
"Morning." He said as I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist.
"I thought you left." I sighed, pressing my lips against his shoulder.
"Just making you breakfast."
I could hear him smiling, and was relieved by it. He didn't feel so bad at the moment. I hoped he could hold onto that.
I glanced at the clock on the far wall, seeing that it was almost eleven.
"Where are my parents?" I asked Benn.
"They went to your aunt's house." He told me, "Your mom came in to wake you up earlier but she took one look at me and decided you could stay home."
"She was really hoping we'd talk last night." I told him.
He was quiet for a second, sliding a couple eggs from the frying pan to a plate.
"Why exactly did you ignore me all week?" He asked me.
"Well at first I was pissed because you gave me a black eye." I shrugged, "Then I got over it. But I just didn't know what to say to you. From the way you acted before, I didn't think you'd, I don't know, grow up so fast."
"The only person I really give a damn about was refusing to talk to me." Benn sighed, shutting off the stove, "It was either grow up or lose you. So deciding wasn't really that hard."
I felt myself start blushing, but Benn didn't see it. He didn't see how happy I was; how proud I was.
We ate breakfast on the couch, starting on opposite ends. But it didn't take long for me to end up using his lap as a pillow. A few hours later, we hadn't moved. I was half asleep, struggling to pay attention to a movie we were watching as Benn ran his fingers along my arm. I was trying to stay awake, but I was just so comfortable. This was all I wanted.
"I need to break up with Sara." Benn said suddenly.
I opened my eyes, focusing on the TV again. The main characters in the movie were in the middle of an intense makeout scene. I smiled to myself, watching them hang onto each other as their bodies moved together. Knowing that Benn wanted to do that with me sent shivers down my spine.
"She deserves to know." I told him, deciding not to make this about my hormones.
"That's true." Benn laughed, "But I really just don't want to cheat on her. I don't ever want to be that person."
I turned onto my back so I could look up at him. His eyes were still focused on the TV. For a second, I just watched him; thinking about the past. He was such an important part of my life; both my best friend, and the person I loved. He'd always been here. So I was hoping, for the sake of my sanity, that he would never leave.
"B, can you promise me something?" I asked him.
"What is it?"
"If this doesn't work out," I sighed, locking my fingers between his, "We're still going to be us. Even if for some reason this ends really, really badly, we're still gonna be here for each other. Because I really don't think I could handle not having you around."
I waited quietly while he took in my request.
"Sit up." Benn said after a minute.
So I did, turning to face him. Benn immediately wrapped his arms around me, loosely hooking his legs around my hips. I did the same, breathing him in as he spoke.
"You're part of my wiring." He told me, "I'm never gonna leave you, Jesse. I promise."
