Amish Jedi: In a City Far, Far Away

Episode 16.4 ~ Eeyore

Miriam talks with our parents and decides to stay until John comes home. She'll make up her lessons. I overhear her tell Maem and Daed that she doesn't think John should be left to travel alone. He's a mess. So she's been talking with him behind my back. I suppose that's okay. And she's forgiven him. That's fine too. I just hope she's trying to convince him to go with her.

With each passing day, I become more and more anxious for John's departure. With each passing day, I'm also reminded that he hasn't gone in the form of a string of gifts. After opening the first, a picture of myself, him, and Gramps that leaves me breathless and curled in a ball on the icy fire-escape, Jason opens all the gifts first and deals with getting rid of them. I can't let Jason destroy the picture, though. Gramps is in it. I place the framed photo on my nightstand.

Thankfully, Megs is not bugged by Miriam's continued stay. The house is in pristine condition. Three warm meals a day are prepared without an iota of help from either of us — Miriam even delivers Megs's meals to her at the laundry mat. Miriam also helps me get through the edits for the book. Actually, she practically takes on the task herself. My publisher is very pleased with the speed at which I get the manuscript back to him.

Betty is pleasant toward Miriam. Calling her daily, if not visiting. Trading recipes and stories of home when they think I can't hear them. Betty's even kind to me with Miriam around. If we existed as vampires in the Twilight Saga, Miriam's gift would be uniting people. Bringing peace and warmth to even the bleakest situations. I'll miss her when she finally goes home. But she needs to go. For her. For Levi. Her life can't center around fixing mine.

"What are you thinking about?" Jason asks. He's beside me on the couch. We're watching Life Church and eating pancakes. He opted to stay with me while Miriam went to church with Betty, Frank, and John.

"Life, I suppose."

Jason sets his empty plate on the coffee table and turns toward me. "Are you absolutely sure you want John to go home without you?"

I stab at my cold cakes. "I've never been more sure about a decision..."

"But you love him."

"Always will." Silent tears sneak up on me. "I just don't know how to get him to do the right thing and—" I swipe at my cheek, leaning my head back to stare at the ceiling. "I can't take much more of him just waiting around. It hurts too much..."

Jason takes my plate from me, setting it down, and once again pulls me into his arms. It's warm here, comfortable. And I hate that I need him so much. I don't want to need anyone ever again.

"What if John doesn't want to be Amish?" Jason asks after a few minutes.

"If it weren't for me, he never would have had a second thought." I contemplate for one minute, wondering if I should tell Jason things about John without his permission, and then I decide that it doesn't matter anymore. "When we were little, my dad worked for John's father at his cabinet shop. It's how Daed saved to start Zooks. But, one day their farm was taken. Maem told me later that it was because of John's daed's gambling debts. The church bailed him out once but decided not to a second time.

"John's never forgiven him. It was his dream to take over the business, and suddenly his family was without an income. In deep debt. He had to work every spare second to help pay the bills. His family barely scraped by. Even today they're struggling or he'd have already opened his own shop.

"That's his dream," I tilt my head back to look up at Jason. "He wants to have his own shop. That's why he let me come here. That's why we broke off our engagement. He loves woodworking more than me — and I loved stories more than him..."

"But he realized he was wrong," Jason added.

"If he had a cabinet shop of his own, he would still be home. Probably married to Hannah... I wish he were..."

The tears that choke me now are not for my fiancé but for my best friend. The one I lost because he couldn't afford what he loved most, so he chose me. He chose to take our relationship to a place it could never recover from if broken. I wish he had never asked me out on that first date. I scorn the hope and joy I felt in that moment. Had I known how much it would have cost me — him — I would have never accepted. I would have explained about needing his friendship. I would have smiled and forced myself to be happy when he married and had children. I would have watched from a distance and enjoyed seeing his life unfold and relished getting to be part of it.

Jason holds me until Miriam returns. My heart sinks to my stomach when he excuses himself. I have to remember that this is what I want, to be strong on my own. For Jason not to think I need him.

Miriam sits at my feet as if taking over duty at my sick bed. That small act launches me to my feet.

"Where are you going?"

I dry my eyes on the way into the kitchen. Opening and shutting cabinets, I pull out the ingredients and tools I need. "Making cinnamon rolls for Leah."

Silence.

"Can you make extra for us?"

I try to smile, but it doesn't work. "Sure."

***

On the way out the door, carrying a tray of hot rolls, I'm met in the hall by my Hagrid.

"Hey, kiddo."

"Hey," my voice is gruff, giving me away.

"You need help with that?" he points to the tray.

I hand it to him. "Thanks."

"Wait up a minute there," he says as we reach the bottom of the steps.

"Please, Martin. I can't right now," I say, sensing the John-topic lurking right around the corner.

Martin frowns at me. "I just want you to know something."

"If it's that I'm wrong please—"

"Let a man talk," he snaps. "Only you and God know if you're right," his voice evens out. "I just want you to know, you're not alone, okay. I'm not much, but you've got me."