Amish Jedi: In a City Far, Far Away

Episode 16.3 ~ Eeyore

As soon as John leaves, I retreat upstairs because the zombies need to be let out. Miriam is up, dressed in her Amish attire — pastel pink today — and serving breakfast for two.

"Where were you?" Her words are a sigh as if she's held her breath the entire time I've been gone. 

I can't even answer her. I crumble into a heap by the door. Miriam holds me until I'm drained again. "I noticed you attacked the cake." 

"It deserves to be eaten."

"Perhaps some real food will be better for your stomach though?" 

"I'll give it a try." I let Miriam help me up and then join her at the table. The eggs have gone cold, so Miriam reheats them in the oven, and then we pray and eat in silence. 

"Did you want to get dressed?" Miriam carries our plates to the sink. 

I gaze down at my clothes. "Aren't I?"

She frowns. "There are jeans and t-shirts in your drawers. I know, I reorganized them."

Of course, she did. "New York's that boring?"

"No, just you," she chides. 

I suppose I deserve that. "What's going on with you? Back home, I mean."

"Levi's adding more hives in the spring. He's selling at Troyer's now."

"How're the chickens?"

"Cold, I suppose." Miriam turns back to me, having racked the dishes. 

"Har har." 

"Do you have plans for today?"

"My publisher sent over edits, but I'm okay with not working on those today if you'd like to do something else. I don't want your trip to be a total waste."

"I came here for you, Zia. Mission accomplished." She takes the seat across from me. "I arranged for Jason to come over and coax you out of bed. He should be here soon." 

I grimace. "I'll change." 

"I thought you might say that."

I frown but head to the room. I'm not trying to impress Jason in any way — I'm far too heartbroken for any romantic notions. Amazing how a tragedy can put life into perspective. I just want Jason to see that he doesn't need to plan a babysitting schedule for me once Miriam leaves. 

By the time I emerge from my room wearing a white, long-sleeved t-shirt, black jeans, and gray boots, Jason is at the breakfast table with Miriam. They each have a to-go cup from Tales, an extra one waits on the table in front of the open seat next to Jason. 

He stands and meets me half-way to the kitchen. "Leah told me," is all he says and then opens his arms just slightly, not assuming I want his hug but offering one if I need it. 

I do. "He won't leave without me." 

Jason strokes my hair. 

"I'm not going to go with him," I clarify in case anyone is wondering, and then I let go of Jason. "I told him to marry Hannah."

Jason brushes my cheek. "You're sure that's what you want? You could make this work..."

I shake my head. "If we were married, I would... make it work. But we're not, so there's still a chance the child can have both his parents. I can't stand in the way of that. I would never be able to live with myself." 

"Zia?" Miriam stands, smoothing out her white apron. "Can I tell you why I came here when I did?"

I thought she came to give me Hannah's letter, but there seems to be more. "Oh-kay."

"Do you feel well enough for hot chocolate?" Jason guides me to the table. 

"Bad news goes over better with chocolate, right?" Another failed attempt at humor. 

Jason forces a smile, rubbing my back in a circular motion. "It's going to be okay. I promise." He holds open the chair for me. 

"I know," I mumble and take a seat. One sip of cocoa, and then I motion for Miriam to begin. 

"I'm not a good storyteller like you," she prefaces.  

"For once, I'm in no mood for stories... just give me the facts."

She twiddles her thumbs, studying them rather than me. "I walked in on Hannah being sick in the bathroom the morning before your wedding. She's been complaining of a stomach bug. But when I brought back a Sprite for her, she was getting into the shower. 

"Hannah's always been curvy, but not in the stomach. It's barely noticeable under clothes."

The image of my sister's belly rounding with John's baby does nothing for my gag reflex, or the surge of hatred that rushes up from my tailbone to my ears. 

Jason reaches over and gently unhinges my fisted hand. 

"I threatened to go straight to Maem and Daed unless she told me everything. She cried, but she told me enough of the story for me to realize there was no time to waste. I couldn't tell you over the phone, not something like this, and Hannah was too sick to come with me. So, I left Hannah to write her letter to you, and I went to get Levi to help me find a way to the airport."

"You should have told Maem and Daed," I say, but with no force behind my words.

"Well, I didn't," Miriam snaps, "You needed the truth. You needed it from Hannah herself. And you needed it in person." Miriam glances at Jason. "I thought you would need me too, but you've made a family here, Zia." 

Jason squeezes my fingers. Family. 

"I am glad you came, Miriam, but you still should have told Maem and Daed."

"It wasn't my place. I gave Hannah until I arrived here to tell them. If you didn't do the honors, I was prepared to. Thankfully," Miriam says, exasperated, "she told them some time before I arrived at the church."

"How did they take the news?"

"They were upset, but more because of what Hannah did to you — to the family — than her being pregnant. They are extremely unhappy with John." 

"I'm not."

Jason raises a brow. 

I hold up a hand. "I want him gone... but I forgive him." 

Jason's expression softens and his hand tightens on mine. "It's the right thing to do."

I huff and look up at the ceiling because my eyes are watering. "I'm far from righteous, Jason." 

"We all are, Zia, but you're choosing the right path."

"Really?" My eyes are back on him, pleading for him to see now.

His brow merely pulls together in confusion. 

"I hate Hannah," the words tremble out of me as angry tears burn down my cheeks. "I hate her with all I am. I never, ever want to see her again. And I don't care that it's not right and that she's my sister. That's the reason I hate her, because she took the one thing I had left. She's had her eyes on him since we were kids. The moment I left, she took advantage of the situation. She is the reason John didn't come sooner. She is the reason I nearly married him not knowing his child is growing in her. She is the reason I'll never see my best friend again—" I choke on my own words. I hate myself for them, but they are true. 

I expect Jason and Miriam to scold me, to try to convince me to talk to Hannah, or to just walk out and let me burn in my own fury like I deserve. But, Jason pulls me into his arms and holds me together. Miriam rubs my back, keeping her words to herself. She's Amish. She's all about forgiveness. I am too, really, but not this time. What Hannah did can't just be shoved under the rug. It has to be dealt with, out in the open. And if my destiny depends on my forgiveness of her, well I just may end up in hell because I don't know how to forgive her.