This is probably my favorite chapter :) Please comment! :)
November 5th
I laid in bed with Ezra as he rested his head on my stomach and talked about this day at work. I ran my fingers through his hair as I always did for our daughters. “Sounds like a good day..” I said.
“Yea, it was. Now if only everyday was like that!” he laughed. “Anyway, how was your day?” he asked.
“well..” I started. “I think I’m going to call Jason.” I said, a bit nervous as to what his reaction would be.
“Why?” he said, drawing in a huge breath.
“Tegan wants to get to know him. I think it could be a good idea, you know, if he has his life together and wouldn’t be a bad influence.”
“No, I don’t like this..” Ezra said.
“Ezra, please!!” I begged, feeling my eyes water. I don’t mind when Ezra and I disagree, we’re bound to at some point. But with being so emotional, I felt like I was about to lose a fight about my own daughter. I felt helpless.
“Who is it going to benefit? Not you, not me, not Erica and probably not Tegan.”
“It’s her dad, Ezra!!” I said, not even trying to hide my tears.
“Look how much it’s upsetting you already, and you haven’t even called him yet.” he said.
“He’s not upsetting me, you are!!” I said, not accusing him, but feeling sensitive and like my night was ruined.
“What did I do?” he asked.
“I’m really upset tonight, I really wish you would stop being so insensitive!!”
“How am I being insensitive?” he asked.
I didn’t answer him, but instead turned on my side so my back was to him.
He sighed, and scooted closer to me and put his arm over me. “You’re right. Im sorry.” he said. I didn’t answer him. “If something matters to you, it matters to me too. And if you’re upset, I should speak kinder to you.”
I turned around, feeling stupid for being so emotional.
“Im just saying.. If Jason wants to know Tegan, and Tegan wants to know Jason, I think it’s the best thing to do.”
“What if he has kids? wouldn’t that upset Tegan? Knowing he gave her away willingly, but had other children?”
I felt my face turn red with anger.
“Oh, just how I gave her up willingly then had other children?” I said raising my voice.
His face turned white. “oh my gosh, Aria Im so -”
“forget it..” I sighed getting out of bed.
“Aria!!!” he said getting out of bed and trying to stop me from pulling a pillow and my blanket off the bed.
“Just let it go.” I said walking out into the living room. I laid the pillow down on the couch and was about to lay down when Ezra put his hands on my waist.
“I’m really sorry.” he said. “really, I am.” I turned around.
“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry It happened. Im sorry I had a baby at fifteen. That I wasn’t around to raise her, and that I keep having more babies to replace her because I know I can’t have her.”
He paused. “that’s what this is about isn’t it?” he said. “guilt?”
“Yes! Yes, ok its true. The reason I wanted another baby so desperately is because I left like I needed someone to replace Tegan. I should want children because I love them, not because I need to replace what I lost! But I feel like with every baby I’m giving a good home, that I’ve made up for losing Tegan just a little more each time. And I feel horrible about that.” he pulled me into a hug.
“Don’t.” he said. “You’re a super mom. But you don’t have super powers. You’re only human, and how you feel is completely logical.” now that’s the Ezra I needed. He took my hands and pulled me to Sian’s room, where Tegan was sleeping while she was here. “Look at her.” He said. “She’s yours. She always will be.”
