light.

smoke

•luke•

i was on my way home from work at the music store. it was around seven and i was walking back to my apartment because i didn't feel like driving. but at the moment i really wished that i did drive because the man in front of me was smoking a cigarette and his smoke kept trailing behind him and straight into me.

at first it wasn't a problem. i had become used to smelling it on the streets but most of the time i would try to make it so i wouldn't be near it for too long. because if i was near it for a while, i would start to crave it again.

and i had been followings the guy in front of me for a couple blocks. and i couldn't pass him up because there were people next to him, and i also couldn't slow down because of the people behind me. so i had to suck it up and keep inhaling the smoke.

by the time i got into my apartment building i was shaking. i was craving a smoke desperately but i knew that i couldn't, i knew that i shouldn't. i also kind of felt like i was going to throw up. i was on the verge of an panic attack.

i practically ran up to my floor and started knocking on lia's door. i knew i couldn't trust myself being alone.

lia opened the door and quickly let me in when she saw i was shaking.

"babe," she started, "hey, what's wrong?" she sounded really concerned as i dropped my things and went to grab onto the counter.

i tried to steady my breathing but all that happened was the little voice inside my head telling me that one smoke wouldn't hurt got louder. and i just wanted it to shut up. but i knew the only way it would be quite would be if i gave in. and i knew i couldn't give in.

i couldn't breathe. it felt like my lungs had filled with smoke, a feeling that scared the shit out of me. every breath i took felt like i was inhaling more smoke and all i could smell was the smoke from the guy that was in front of me.

lia had ducked under one of my arms and cupped my face angling it down so i was looking at her.

"luke, what's wrong?" she asked calmly.

i couldn't answer her. i could barely breathe, let alone talk. i just shook my head hoping that the voice would shut up and that the smoke would leave my lungs.

"luke are you having a panic attack?" she asked.

i had no idea how she knew but i couldn't nod fast enough.

she didn't say anything at first. but she did slowly lift herself into the counter so she was about eye level with me. she kept her movements slow and pulled my head into her chest. at first i didn't know why but then i heard her heartbeat.

"luke i want you to listen to my heartbeat. okay?" she soothed. "focus on my heartbeat and the rise and fall of my chest when i breathe. try to match your breathing with it."

i focused on her heartbeat. it was a lot slower than mine. so was the rising and falling of her chest.

she continued to talk to me about random things while her hands slowly ran though my hair. i focused on her voice. i could feel the vibrations of her voice rattle through her chest. her voice slowly became louder than the one in my head.

i wasn't sure how long we were like that but eventually my breathing matched hers and my heartbeat steadied.

"are you okay?" lia whispered.

"yeah," i whispered back. "how'd you know to do that?"

"i would get panic attacks sometimes and that was what they normally did to calm me down. i know it doesn't work on everyone but it was worth a shot," she explained.

it didn't shock me that she used to get panic attacks. she probably would get them when she thought people were going to hurt her.

"if it's okay for me to ask, why did you have a panic attack?" she asked timidly.

we both made our way to the couch where i lied down and pulled her down on top of me. i explained to her what happened with me walking home.

if she wasn't there with me, i don't know what i would've done. lia always knew how to make me feel better. ever since i asked her to be my girlfriend, we began spending a lot of time together. we would find time to be with each other in between her job and my classes.

just having her lie on my chest tracing patterns over my heart made me feel so much better. i brought my arm up and tilted her head up to me.

i pressed my lips slowly to hers. our lips moved together slowly. it was like neither of us wanted to hurt the other by moving too roughly.

"thank you," i whispered against her lips.

"for what?" she asked.

"just for being here," i told her. i could never explain how much it meant to me that she was always there.

"luke, i'll always be there for you, just like how you're always there for me."

i smiled at her words and leaned down to kiss her again.