Love to Hate You

Chapter Thirteen

I ended up balling my eyes out into Sean’s shoulder while he held me, rocking slightly and letting me just cry. I feel kind of embarrassed about it now, going completely sheer and letting myself become completely undone. I would have rather cried on Austin’s shoulder. Austin has this strange combination of soft and smart that works well against my stubbornness, but Sean was patient and gave a great hug, so I can’t complain.

Afterward, I followed Sean back to Justin’s garage, brushing away tears and flattening my hair the whole way. The boys looked relieved that I had come back, letting out sighs and showing me small smiles. Justin was the only one who wouldn’t make direct eye contact with me. I couldn’t tell if he was choking on his own pride or embarrassed for going off on me. Either way, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him either.

Later though, after practice, he pulled me aside and waited until the other boys left to say he hadn’t meant anything he said.

It’s hard to believe him, though.  Before, he didn’t even have to think about it, it came out of his mouth faster than he could stop himself. We had set up the perfect opportunity for him to tell me what he really thought of this whole situation. The trial situation.

He can apologize all he wants, but until he can prove otherwise, he’s won’t be getting what he wants anytime soon. Controlling our anger is what both of us need to work on, and it should be done separately and not together. It’s clear that the stress from the past couple months has finally hit both of us square in the face. I decided to break down, while he took the verbal approach, venting. I think we both just need to take a deep breath and start over.

Now, it’s Wednesday afternoon. I’ve gone back to my old routine after finishing the mural. Even though I have no more artwork to turn in, I still go to Mrs. Boots classroom during lunch. She isn’t here today; she was on her way out when I arrived, explaining she had lunch with her daughter and that I could go in as long as I locked up afterward. I told her I’d be fine and she left while I wandered over to the back counter. Now, here I am, atop the counter with my knees pulled to my chest and my head resting against the wall, eyes closed.

I’m thinking about my previous class, the one I share with Justin. He said he was sorry again, under his breath of course. He can’t let anyone know he’s sorry for anything. He’s cocky and he has a reputation. He says sorry rarely or not at all and he hates it, I can tell. I gave him an exaggerated expression, a face I give when I’m not impressed with someone or something—a simple raise of the eyebrows and tight smile. He wouldn’t give up though, whispering all of class while Miss Myer was telling us how exams would work. I tried to ignore him, to let him know I needed some well-deserved space, but gave in eventually and rolled my eyes.

A timid knock on the door forces me to lift my head up and open my eyes. Austin and Kris stand in the doorway lifting a sandwich and iced tea for me to see. I nod, signaling them to come in. Austin shares a look with his boyfriend before coming to the back counter, setting the small lunch down beside me.

“You look awful.” Kris points out as I’m opening the iced tea, which makes an audible pop as the lid loosens.

I snort, and quirk an eyebrow at him, “Thanks, that’s what every girl wants to hear after a fight with her trial boyfriend.”

He frowns and Austin jumps in to his rescue, “He only means that you look down. Still upset about what happened yesterday?”

I shrug and nod for them to sit, which they do, dropping their backpacks to the ground with a soft thud.

“Just thinking, that’s all.” I reply in a faraway voice, my attention on the lunch they’ve brought me and my mind completely elsewhere.

They both sigh, Kris louder than Austin because he doesn’t really understand. Austin offers a small smile and puts a hand on my shoulder.