simply tired

chapter fifty six

it took a little while before its back to the way it was. the dull cloud of non-handled sadness hung over the both of them.

Michael's leaving his class when he sees Luke slouched into his locker, his shoulders shaking. Michael pushed past people his heart in his stomach until he reached the boy. Michael turned him around by his shoulder and hugged him, pushing him against the locker. he knew that Luke just needed to feel secure. he kissed his tear tracks and scratched soothingly on his scalp, holding Luke close to his neck. Luke gathers the courage to continue his day, but it's rough.

Michael finds Luke broken down occasionally for a week, and when he asks what started it all, Luke tells him how things kept reminding him of his Grandma. he had seen orchids blooming in the grass next to the school, or dark blue tea cups at the thrift store. it's overwhelming for both of them. Luke keeps apologizing, says he's being a baby. Michael hopes Luke hasn't thought that of him when he has been broken for so long.

Michael is practically living at Luke's house, going home to check on his Mom; her mostly being gone from the house anyway. Luke's trying, he really is. they've played FIFA and had Calum over a few times, but it's just hard. Michael briefly thinks that Ashton would have been able to make Luke smile, he would have. however, this self allowance to think of Ashton, leaves Michael to remember how it feels to lose someone like that: that feeling of wanting to tap on their absent shoulder to tell them about your day, and then remembering that their shoulder is deep below the ground now. it's sad and perplexing.

Michael and Luke have been trying to fix it, trying to do things together without wallowing in self pity and sorrow for one another. they watch countless movies and do their homework- with extra studying- together.

it's been another week and it's a little better. Liz got dressed today, instead of wearing her pajamas. it seems like a sad excuse to celebrate improvement, but the whole house has been down.

Michael's noticed that- aside from feeling sad because of empathy, this has been a slight distraction from his thoughts. it's not like he wants this to last- he wants Luke better as soon as possible, but it's a little nice to be able to take care of Luke. he deserves that.

so he feels warm inside when Luke smiles as a silent 'thank you' when Michael does something as simple as bring him tea.

Luke is at the stage of his grief, where he's mad. not at anyone or anything aside from the fact that he's sad. he's mad at his emotions for existing and being what they are. he keeps cursing himself under his breath when he starts to cry, and he's obviously tired of feeling the way he does.

Michael's tired of seeing him go through this; it breaks his heart to see the boy he loves teared about from the inside out.

•••

they're in Luke's room on a day after school; they're not sure what day, but it's hard to keep track of the days when they all feel the same. Luke's taking deep breaths and gripping at his hair,
"I wish I didn't miss her this way. I wish it was like before; when I missed her but I knew she was still there."

Michael bit his lip,
"she is there, not in the same way, but she's here for you. that hasn't changed."

Luke nodded and walked forward, running his hands through the sides of Michael's hair,
"help me, Mikey." his voice was soft and shaky, "I just want to stop thinking for a while. what do I do?"

Michael nodded and brought their lips together for a moment, pulling away and muttered,
"this?"

Luke hummed and grabbed his cheeks, bringing their bodies closer together, tasting Michael's mouth as if he hadn't before. Michael didn't know he was moving but soon his back hit the dresser and the sound of it on the wall bounced around in his ears until the echo stopped. Luke kissed him feverishly, his hand sliding to the side of Michael's neck; his fingers loose around his soft flesh. Luke pulled away to mutter,
"beautiful," catching his breath with his head against a very flustered Michael.

Luke licked Michael's bottom lip and pulled it with his teeth until their mouths were able to dance again. the room was so warm and heavy; their hearts low in their chests. Michael whimpered and pushed his nail's into Luke's back, pulling him
even closer.
"I l-love you Luke," he mumbled and kissed Luke's jaw as he heard the words returned with a whisper. Michael kissed him softly again; just a press of his lips to Luke's. Michael let himself quickly examine Luke's state. his lips were bright pink and glossy from the kiss; his eyes blown out beautifully with lust. he looked fucked out and in another world and it undoubtedly drove Michael crazy.

Michael walked Luke to the side to quickly lock the door- just to avoid an awkward encounter with Liz. they hadn't gone all the way- not at all, and they wouldn't in such an emotional time, but they had to be cautious of knock-less entries. Michael softly chuckled as he stumbled his way with Luke guiding him. Michael' back hit the bed and everything around him went fuzzy, shaky fingers pulling on Luke's waist band in an attempt to bring him closer. Luke pulled away to let them catch their breath, moving his lips down to the spot between Michael's neck and collarbone; missing seeing a faded purple there. so he makes a new mark, licking over the skin and sucking on it; his teeth playfully dragging from it up to Michael's lips again, the slight tickle causing a shiver.

the evening sun hanging in the sky, hugged by clouds, let them see what they needed. Michael felt like he could see all of Luke's tears he has shed over this tragic loss, finally drying up. not killing the new ones, but at least letting him continue instead of freezing him in this stage of grief. Michael can feel Luke's heart beat alive and okay against his own heart. Luke hasn't seemed this alive since the first few seconds of that time in the cafeteria. that day was the one to provide him with the news to leave him broken for a while. Michael hated to watch him seem so lonely- especially when he had Michael at his side.

except in this moment, Michael can tell that Luke still feels lonely, but not completely. Michael can feel Luke's heart latching on to the love sent over from him. he can feel every shaky breath from Luke's chest sent into Michael's mouth. it's so beautiful and frantic, and it wouldn't be right if it didn't feel like it could drive them mad. Luke pulled away to mutter,
"I'm so fucking sad but I also love you more than anything."

Michael pecked his lips and muttered,
"back at you."

author's note:

hi this took a month and a day to update and I'm so sorry. this feels like a filler but I'm just trying to help explain their relationship.

-Jasmine :)