simply tired

chapter thirty

Michael realized how much of a bad person he was.

he was pushing Luke away.

he was ruining everything.

Luke had been trying to talk to him but he was ignoring him and walking away.

it makes sense why he hates himself. he should hate himself.

he's worthless.

he can't even love Luke correctly. he's doing it all wrong...

Luke shouldn't have to beg for Michael's disgusting, broken and abused love, Michael should be the one begging.

Michael shouldn't be letting himself be so damn weak. Michael knows that he should run back to Luke and explain all of this, but he just keeps fucking walking.

Michael's legs become sore and his throat is dry but he keeps walking. his eyes burn from the threatening tears and his lips tremble from the cold, but he doesn't turn around to search for Luke's warmth.

Michael realizes why Luke isn't chasing after him.

he knows that Luke is finally beginning to come to his senses and leave the worthless piece of shit that Michael is.

Luke's finally starting to realize that even if he loves Michael, he shouldn't.

this somehow relieved Michael, but it seemed to make his heart shatter.

Michael was being selfish.

Michael had always prepared himself for the future, assuring himself that Luke would leave him, but there was always this piece of him, down in his heart maybe, that craved for the possibility that Luke would stay.

Michael knew from the moment that Luke opened the car door for him the first time, that it would lead to heartbreak...

so I guess Michael should have sensed this... this pure shattering in his heart, this coldness that he feels throughout his body that could never be caused by the weather.

it could be described as a numbness, the tears that form deep in Michael's green eyes, but never get the nerves to fall.

it's like his whole world is a blinding pitch black. this feeling gives you chills, pain, and an endless stream of questions flowing through your distorted brain.

Michael is confused and overwhelmed, and he knows that he's overreacting but this blinding pain and depression is taking over his mind and body and he doesn't know what to do, so he stops walking. he sits down and leans against a tall bush, the thorns poking through his shirt, sending sharp pains through his back, but he sits there, hearing a deafening sound of screaming, maybe it's his own, maybe it's all in his head, he isn't sure.the moon reflects off of the street, reminding him of the boy that drives him insane.

Michael puts his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapping around his legs as he rocks back and forth, his mind scrabbled and torn.

he doesn't know when he starts, but he can feel himself being hit in the head, so he must be doing it, trying to get rid of this pain.

this can't be about Luke.

this is about Michael.

Michael ruined everything for himself.

it isn't Luke that's leaving Michael, it's just Michael running away from any chance of happiness.

Michael is terrified.

this isn't just sadness, this is an overwhelming amount of horror continuously spreading throughout his veins.

Michael still hears the screams, but the numbness can't allow him to feel if it's him making them or not.

Michael's heart clenches and twists in his chest as he bites down on his lip until the taste of blood fills his mouth.

in a matter of seconds, his fists are pounding onto the sidewalk, his skin seeming to split open, feeling warmth seep onto his hands as the screaming continued, bouncing around in his head.

this wasn't just a bad day, this was an emotional breakdown.

Michael was shaking, feeling his fits pound into his legs, feeling nothing.

Michael can't feel the pain at this point. he's craving it, searching for it, but it's nowhere to be found.

he's digging his nails into his wrists, fighting off a force that is pulling on him, trying to get him up.

he feels himself rise but for some reason, he continues fighting, holding his head in his hands.

soon, everything goes black, fading back to color, back to black once again for good.

author's note:

I HATE MYSELF

-jasmine :)