simply tired

chapter fourty seven

when they stepped inside of Luke's house, Liz came out from the kitchen with a wide grin, mumbling on about how much they missed Michael while they were gone. Michael smiled and nodded, but he felt as if he was the only person that was upset that they had been gone. he can't imagine someone missing him that much.
Liz was quick to pull Michael into a warm embrace, and he was oddly comfortable with it, even though his own mother's hugs were stiff and cold. the rare occasion that his mother did hug him, it felt rushed and all that he could notice was the stench of alcohol on her breath. yet, with Liz, he can smell a faint perfume and something sweet that she had been baking, and she seemed so comforting that it was obvious that she would only let go if Michael was okay with it.

she smiled down at him as they pulled away, walking and giving Luke a quick hug before disappearing into the kitchen. Luke was stiff, but quick to walk up the stairs and into his room. his talk figure sat on his bed and scooted back so that his back was against the wall.

Michael's eyes were open wide, and guilt was flooding through him,
"Luke- are you mad at me for not eating?"

Luke's gaze met his and he shook his head,
"no, no- I'm not mad at you at all."

Michael nodded but he was so disquieted that Luke had just said that to assure him. so stupid. Michael hates himself so much for letting himself hurt Luke, he's never seen him like this and he feels awful. Michael isn't good enough to hurt Luke, he doesn't deserve anything like him. it's strange, because he is letting his depression impair his relationship.

Luke was silent for at least ten minutes, his gaze away from Michael. the tension was thick and Michael was worried that maybe Luke had finally realized that Michael wouldn't get better. maybe Luke had finally lost his hope. Michael didn't know what he did to make Luke realize this right now, but he guesses that it's better now than later. if Luke leaves him now, he won't be as hurt as he could be in a year.

Luke finally looked forward at Michael, his bright cerulean eyes bringing Michael out of the fog that collects in his brain.
"Michael, do you really think of yourself as broken?"

Michael seemed to shrink away, even worse than he usually did. the question was so close to home, he was so, so broken, and having to talk about it made his hands shake. his eyebrows furrowed with stress, his shoulders dropping. he didn't want to lie to Luke, but he hated to see Luke's sympathy. Michael knew that this was his own fault. he shouldn't have complained about his feelings to Luke, he should have kissed him and thanked him for staying with him, and that's all. however, Michael is a fucking idiot, and he spilled his guts to the boy. now, he's got Luke worried and curious, and he has left more of himself to feel vulnerable when Luke can't take care of him anymore. Michael isn't scared that Luke will abandon him out of hate or anything, he is scared that he will drain Luke of his happiness; the way Ashton's suicide did to him, and then Luke will be forced to leave so that he can attempt to mend himself.

Michael's eyes finally snapped and his unsteady blinking went with his heartbeat as he realized that he hadn't answered.
"Luke-" Michael tucked his hands inside his sweater, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up.

Luke shook his head and bit his lip,
"you think you're broken? I've made you feel like you're a burden."

Michael's voice broke in his throat and then he was grasping onto the sleeve of Luke's hoodie,
"n-no." he didn't want Luke to blame himself for any of Michael's problems. "I- I just- you didn't-"

Luke let a clear tear slide down his cheek,
"let me t-talk. you said that you wanted to stop being so broken. Michael you aren't broken- you're just sad, and that's okay." Luke's voice was vulnerable and heartbreaking, "you aren't some sort of obligation to me- I don't think of you as someone to take care of. I think of you as my boyfriend and just someone that I love. this is all stupid and cheesy but it's not a lie. when I heard you say that, it just broke my heart because you obviously think that way, and you're not broken- you're not." Luke was practically shouting by now, and his glossy, blue eyes were overly flooded and pouring over onto his pink colored cheeks. "you're not." his voice came out raspy, but stern, like he just needed Michael to understand about what he was talking.

Michael's words jumbled and stuck in his throat, his pink fingertips picking at the cuffs of his sweater.

Luke's eyes were even softer now,
"I didn't mean to yell at you- me acting this way is not at all your fault." Luke bit his lip out of anxiety,
"I n-need you to know that I wasn't at all trying to upset you I just-"

Michael shushed him,
"you just care about me- I know, Luke," you could hear the smile in his voice, but he felt so guilty and sad.

Luke sighed and grabbed Michael's hand,
"do you believe me?"

Michael seemed to shrink away from the question once again, because he knew that he was broken. it was incredibly difficult for him to believe that Luke didn't think of him as damaged, as disturbed. he got himself to nod, but he knew that Luke would see through it.

"Michael- I know that it's hard for you to believe how much I love you, but I need you to know that I don't think of you like that..." he trailed off and when Michael looked down, he continued, "fuck- I guess I get it if you think of yourself like that, but I- you are so perfect to me. I love you, I love you so much."

Michael's eyes we're pouring now and he just craved for Luke to hold him. Luke was distracted, his own eyes releasing his emotions. Michael frowned, but on the inside he was beating himself up; taking one of those fucking blades to his legs and tearing himself apart. he hated this. he hated that he did this to Luke. he doesn't want Luke to feel like he does, Luke doesn't deserve that. Michael moved up Luke's bed, sitting on his knees and staring at the blonde that was sniffling, his lip slightly trembling. Michael took the heels of his hands and rubbed at his own eyes violently, pulling all moisture from them, trying to gather himself together, for Luke. he took a deep breath and moved again, straddling Luke's waist as they sat. his knees were next to Luke's hips and he was sat directly on Luke's lap. Luke's breathing was shaky, but it calmed as time progressed, and Michael's small hands moved to play with the hair on the nape of Luke's neck. his chest collided with the blondes, his pale cheek on Luke's shoulder. Michael took a deep breath and moved to place a kiss on the side of Luke's neck. he could feel the boy's erratic heartbeat, and Luke wasn't as warm as he normally is, he just felt so sad. Michael realized that when Luke felt, he felt with everything he had, and that terrified him. he couldn't hurt Luke like this, never.
"I-I really do love you, Luke."

Luke nodded and wrapped his hands tightly around Michael, not wanting to let him go.

author's note:

sorry for the late update, but family drama and emotional shit sucks.

I actually proofread this time wow. (there's probably still mistakes lol)

-jasmine :)