Trip to Your Heart - A Hockey Fanfiction

Say Something But Not That

I unlocked the door to the house. It was probably a good sign that my key still worked, but that didn't mean that Claude was home.

As it turned out, Claude was home, and he was waiting for me. I stepped in the door and found him on the couch, arms crossed, staring at me. I froze, unsure of what to expect. A chill crept through my bones, but I wasn't surprised by the cold, I was used to it. My mood fell looking at him and I realized how odd it was for me to feel warm, as I had that whole morning.

"Stella," his voice was quiet, but I could hear the relief there. He looked like he was struggling to keep a straight face.

A realization dawned on me, "You didn't expect me to come back." My voice sounded as dead to my own ears.

"I didn't know what to expect," Claude replied, his tone measured and his expression blank, "I had a general idea of where you were going, but I didn't know whether or not you would be back or what you would be doing while you were out."

"I went to check on my friends and then I had brunch with Cara," the half-truth burned on the way out and I remembered what Robert had said about feeling guilty. In any other situation, the guilt would have consumed me, but I felt cold and I missed Robert's warmth.

"Oh," Claude seemed surprised and relieved again.

"Did you think I would run away like some dog?" I asked, getting angry at his lack of emotion, "Is that what you wanted? You didn't want me to be your problem any more because you can't handle the fact that I have friends that are guys? Is that it?"

"I didn't want you to leave; I don't know if I want you to stay, either."

"Well, then, why should I bother?" I snarled, turning on my heel and marching up the stairs. I heard him follow me, but I didn't care, I was fuming. If he didn't want me to stay, I wouldn't. Maybe I could make it Pittsburgh by dinner. I yanked my suitcase out of the closet and started throwing my clothes into it, leaving anything with his team's logo on it in the closet. Then I was in the bathroom, dumping cosmetics and toiletries into a bag and tossing it with the rest.

Claude was trying to talk to me the whole time, not that I replied, "Stell, let's just talk about this. That- that didn't come out right." Damn right it didn't. "I'm sorry, Stella. Please, just stay. We can think this through. We can talk about it."

'Last I checked, it took two to have a conversation,' I thought viciously as I packed.

"Stella, please," he was becoming more and more desperate. Any minute now I was convinced that he would drop to his knees and straight up grovel at my feet.

"I'll be nicer about them, I swear," Claude promised, but he'd said that before. "You can see them whenever you want, I don't care." I wasn't biting, I had a hard time believing him after everything that had happened in the past few months. I knew as well as he did that feelings born on the ice in the heat of a rivalry game didn't just die or get pushed aside, they festered and smoldered under the surface until they burst forth again. He'd go after them whether I was here to nag him about it or not.

"I'll do better. I'll spend more time with you. I can help you with the nightmares." Wrong again, he hadn't been able to help, so what would change? And spending time with me wasn't one of our problems.

"What about those little girls you met, huh?" Claude asked. That one stung a bit because I knew where he was going next. I clenched my jaw and tightened my shoulders, steeling myself for his words. "You wanted to adopt one of them, right? All of them? You couldn't stand to leave them behind, could you, Stella?" He had slowed down, and I knew that he had seen that these words were getting to me.