Trip to Your Heart - A Hockey Fanfiction

Stop Lying to Yourself

Claude drove us home and I stared out the window in silence. The day's events were beginning to me like a freight train and I didn't know how long I'd be able to hold it together.

"Did you have fun?" Claude asked, hope seeping into his voice.

"Yeah, Becky was very sweet," it was only half true. I had enjoyed spending time with Becky, and Evan too for that matter, but my experience with Rory and his family had only confirmed that my fears were well founded. Children were far too fragile to be brought into the world; there were so many things that could go wrong, and there was no way I could prevent any of them.

"She was a sweet little girl. And Evan was great," he smiled over at me and I nodded. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm alright. Just tired, I guess," I nodded.

"Well, we'll get you home and then you can get some rest. I can't join you right away because coach wants us out bonding tonight before the game, so I'll be out at dinner. Do you want me to pick something up on our way for you? Or, I can make something before I leave, if you want," Claude offered.

"I can order in, it's fine. You need to get ready for dinner," I replied.

"Chinese food?"

"How'd you know?" I asked.

"You love Chinese food, Stella. I've lived with you for five years, I think I should know," he chuckled.

There were other things that he should know, too, but he didn't.

"Thanks, Claude," I made an effort to smile at him, for real this time.

"Of course, babe," he reached across the center console and stroked the back of my hand with his thumb. We pulled into the Chinese takeout place that we frequented and Claude parked the car, "You stay here, I'll run in and get it." He leaned over and kissed my cheek before heading inside.

I watched him go as he pulled his collar up against the wind and snow. I bit my lip, trying to distract myself from the swirling emotions inside of me. I just needed to hold it together until he left, then I could let it go. My vision blurred and I forced myself to blink back the tears. Claude couldn't know how upset the hospital visit had made me; I didn't want to spoil his happiness. The visit was one of his favorite events and he loved the kids. He was so good with them and that didn't make me feel any better; it made me feel worse because I couldn't give him children, especially not after visiting Rory and his family.

I managed to pull myself together before Claude came back out with a bag of food. He climbed back inside the car and handed it over to me. "Thank you," I couldn't raise my voice above a whisper for fear of it breaking.

"Are you okay?" His head snapped in my direction, concern clear in his eyes. I nodded, unable to speak. "Stella, I can stay home if you need me. You know you're more important to me than hockey."

I smiled softly, "I'll be fine, Claude, I promise," I lied.

"If you're getting sick I can go back and get dumpling soup and stay home with you," he continued.

"I don't think I'm getting sick. I'm just tired. Don't worry about me, Claude. The team needs you; you're their leader," I waved him off.

"And I'm your boyfriend-"

"I love you, Claude. And I will be okay. Go," I looked at him earnestly, hoping he'd agree.

He sighed, "You better call me if you need anything, okay? Even if it's just a hug, or some ice cream. I'd drop everything for you."

"I'll call you if I need anything," I replied, "I love you."

"I love you, too. I'm just worried."