Clarity || z.m

Thoughts

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The birds of the early morning cooed away as the sun made its way up into the sky. Since the other night, my mind his been preoccupied with unwanted thoughts. From memories of my mom to the foreign feelings I’d been having towards someone I couldn’t stand to be around. For all I knew, it was just a phase, or tension getting the best of us.

I took a small sip of my coffee, being careful that I didn’t accidentally burn my tongue. The brisk air made it easy to unwind out here… alone, without any interruptions that way I could clear my mind.

A thought that I’d never had until now was how was my mom doing? I’d always been too angry to care. Where was she now? Had she started a new family? Was she still with Daniel? The tiniest part of me wished she was happy at least- I hoped it was if it was all worth leaving her family in the long run.

I’d heard too many times that I had my mom’s bright smile and big brown eyes. But in the back of my mind, I told myself I got my smile & dimples from my dad. But the eyes were something I couldn’t deny. I did have my mom’s big brown eyes, but other than that I looked nothing like her. From what I remember, she was impeccable. Looks wise, there wasn’t a single flaw. Her dark blonde hair fell down her back perfectly; her smile could light up your day & her voice was alleviating.

I remember the way my dad used to look at her. He looked at her with so much passion & affection. My dad never bothered to turn another way to look at a woman because in his eyes, it was only my mom… and deep within, I knew it would always be here. He knew he deserved better, but how was he supposed to move on when his wife of 15 years just left… and never came back?

Besides the eyes, I was nothing like my mother. Unlike her, I was strong. I stood my ground and kept my guard high up. To avoid going through the same thing she went through, I swore I’d never love. I’d hate to be the kind of woman she is, and most of all, I’d hate to feel the pain my dad feels every day for the last 10 years.

“Nani?”

The puzzled voice startled me, almost making me spill some of my coffee. I knew who it was, but I didn’t think he’d be up right now. “Hey, Dad.”

“What are you doing up, Booger?”

 I smiled at my dad’s ridiculous nickname for me. He’s called me that since I was little- and it just stuck. I may think its ridiculous, but I’d feel weird the day he stopped calling me that. “I’m always up at this time. But, I needed to come out here and think.”

“Is everything okay?”

Do I tell him?

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, taking a seat on the spot next to me on the porch swing.