Secrets, Deals and Lies

Chapter 7 - Never have regrets

3 Months later ~

The weeks went past like a blur as I finally grew enough guts to walk around the house. Through the days I was like an invalid I didn’t think about anything, or talk to anyone. It was as if Jack was never here, as if he really was gone. But at night the thought of Jack always loomed in my brain and I’d weep until I’d fall asleep, I kept wishing that one day I’d all of a sudden wake up in his arms and realise it was all just a silly dream. I still couldn’t believe it and I was too scared to ask for the exact answer. 

I couldn’t talk to Nick, to anyone. And I soon started to avoid Daniel and never said anything when he tried to talk to me, I felt bad but he finally realised that he had to let go sooner or later.

After a while I thought about cleaning up the attic to take my mind off things, so I set myself to the job. It was worse than I thought and I got a little spooked at the start, spider webs everywhere, forgotten boxes stacked high, an old book case full of books and old toys, a shovel, a spider-webbed broom and dozens of other things I couldn’t make out in the dark of the attic. I almost screamed when I turned around to find a mannequin staring back at me, it took me a moment to realise that it wasn’t a real person.

I went back down the portable ladder and folded it back into place before walking off in search of a flashlight.

It took at least a week to go through half the things in the attic, there was so much dust and cobwebs I had to use a little mask to stop inhaling crap in the big dusty room. The attic was pretty big and it’s good that I was cleaning it up because it not only got to be clean but it kept my mind off almost everything. I found a couple of documents and read over it really quickly, something about Nick and what he’s trying to build, I put it away for later, for when I’ll actually have time to read it properly. I also found a few old photo’s when Nick and I first moved in, and our first Christmas in this house – without my mum.

In the Christmas ones, where Nick took some of me by myself, I looked really excited; I couldn’t keep my eyes of the presents and my grin never left, but there was something in my eyes that kept me looking – a longing for more than just presents.

 I flipped over to the next photo and saw one of both me and Nick. The camera was on a stand, the decorated Christmas tree behind us, I remember Nick had to run to me before the flash went off, he crashed into me by accident and I nearly cried but Nick soothed me straight away. The flash went off without us realising and we both cracked up laughing. The camera caught me with tears in my eyes and Nick’s soothing, calm face assessing the damage he caused by accident.

I flip over to the next photo and it was of me and him laughing, this time the tears were of happiness, my head was tilted a little to the side like a little puppy, eyes wide and excited, my small white teeth showing fully. Nick looked really happy too, almost as excited as me but there was a longing pain in his eyes as well. I kept going through the photos over and over as if if I’d look at them long enough I would just all of a sudden go back to them times, where I was happy… enough. 

Finally I finished sorting everything out; now all I had to do was move everything to the sides and corner. I didn’t bother going through all the documents because by the time I found them I was too tired and bored to go through them, instead I put them into a box neatly and stacked them in the corner, so I could read them later. They were pretty heavy so I had to drag it and I couldn’t help but wonder how heavy all the other boxes will be, the ones filled with actual solid things. My back already ached from sweeping the floor and jumping to dust the high cobwebs, and the thought of picking up heavier boxes made my back ache even more.

Maybe I’ll just ask someone? It couldn’t hurt. I’ve already hidden myself and kept away from them for almost four months now. I turn off the light and climb down the portable ladder before putting it back into place and heading to the bathroom to have a nice warm bath – something I haven’t had for a long time.