Secrets, Deals and Lies

Chapter 4 - Love and Lust

I lead Jack to my bedroom but kept walking until I got to the bathroom, shut the door behind me and fell onto the covered toilet seat crying my eyes out as quietly as I could with my hand in my mouth to stifle it as much as I could.

If things are going to be this hard around The Warden and the rest of them then maybe I really should let Jack go home.

I figured out my answer and even though I wasn't happy with it I realised it was easier for the both of us; the only way we can both live without fear ruining our lives.

I couldn't let him live this way and I couldn’t bear seeing him getting hurt again not because of me, I couldn’t take it anymore! I can’t let anything else happen to him.

The answer was locked in my brain but I still sat there weeping even though Jack was at the door knocking and calling my name several times.

He has to go. I thought grimly.

‘Remy, please let me in,’ he says giving up on asking me what's wrong and repeating my name at least 100 times. I leaned over and unlock the door slowly, tears still rolling down my face and my body stuck to the toilets’ chair. As soon as I saw him I couldn’t help but stand up and embrace him in a tight, long hug now letting my quiet sob turn into a loud weep of desperation.

He’s back was against the wall and he was pretty much carrying my weight as I hung onto him like he was my life support. I felt like I totally lost myself right there in his arms. He let me cry it out rubbing my back tenderly and saying soothing things even though he didn't know why I was crying but probably got the hint of it.

When my weeping finally died down he steered me into my bedroom and made me sit down taking his place next to me. I looked at his sorrowful and pleading eyes and gave him another hug, tears still spilling onto my cheeks and down to his top once again.

I finally broke apart when my breathing was even and I had wiped away tears.

‘Jack, I can't handle it anymore!’ I say quietly, ‘I don’t know what to do.’

‘It’s okay. We’re going to be fine,’ he assures me even though we both knew it won’t and probably never will be. ‘No, Jack, I can't handle seeing you hurt all the time because of me. You were better off not knowing who I was and staying home with your Mum and sisters.’ I say standing up and starting to pace around the room scared that I’ll start crying again.

He stands up in front of me and holds both my arms in a firm grasp; I look at him but wanted to run away, run from this distant world of mine.

‘I love you Remiah.’ He says finally searching my face.

I blinked once, twice, processing his words in my brain and locking it into my heart. ‘I-I love you too, but-’ I had to stop and look down as tears began to swell in my eyes once again.

‘I’m sorry Jack, but it’s the only way,’ I whisper.

I look at him one last time before walking off and running down the stairs. I ran outside to the side of the house hoping that no one would come and look for me and sat against the wall.

I wanted to cry again but I couldn’t, I was too tired from crying just before and it was as if I had cried myself dry.

Does he really love me? I asked myself, thinking through the last moments with Jack.

Do I love him? I asked myself, evening out my breath after the little run/jog I had. Yes, I do love him. I love him a lot. I sat there thinking realising that I still had to do what was right.