Because I Love You (Destiel & Sabriel)

It's Not What It Seems

"Sam you don't understand I can't-" Dean started but was cut off by Sam.

"Can't see Cas happy? Can't see yourself finally living a normal life?!" Sam snaps at him. They were sitting in the kitchen, though the walls of the bunker were mostly sound proof, none of them wanted to disturb Cas or Gabe. Sam was more than vexed with his brother.

Dean looked down, his elbows resting on his knees. "Sam.. It's not what it seems. I can't make him go all through this." he mumbles.

Sam's eyes softened a bit at seeing the light reflecting from the little of what Sam could see Dean's eyes. Sam got up from his chair and knelt in front of the older Winchester, "But why, Dean?" he asked.

Dean looked up at Sam, "You know me Sam. Has any of my relationships ever worked?"

"But Dean... have you truly ever loved anyone that you dated as much as Castiel?" he asked.

Dean didn't have an answer to that. He resisted any of his thoughts that spoke in favor of his brother. "Sammy I can't have Cas go through all of me." He said, not wanting to explain further. But Sam got it - Dean had meant his drinking problem and temper issues, not to count in sleeping with strangers not giving a damn about anything.

"Dean... You're more than what you think you are. You need to stop self-degrading yourself." he put his hands on Dean's knee making Dean move away his hands, sure this was a "chick-flick" moment but Dean needed it. And both the Winchesters knew it. "If you were nothing but an alcoholic jerk, would have I ever considered you my epitome of perfection?"

Dean looked up at Sam, "Me? I thought it was that Gandhi man.." he says with eyes wide-open in genuine surprise and shock.

Sam chuckled, "Mahatma Gandhi, Dean. Remember the title. But yes, it's always been you. Ever since-" Sam stopped mid-sentence and looked away. "Anyways... the point is-" Sam got cut by Dean.

"Ever since what?" he asked. Dean looked at Sam, little did he know was he not even a minuscule bit ready to hear what he had demanded.

Sam got up, "I-I gotta go check if Gabe's awake yet or not." he said and turned to leave when Dean grabbed his arm.

Dean knew, at that instant, that something was up and it couldn't be any good. "Ever since what, Sam?" he asked in a stern voice though it seemed to be breaking thanks to the recent events.

"Ever since Dad got drunk and beat me up for going to the library at night and I started hating him for good." Sam said, it wasn't complete but it was no lie either.

"That night? Sammy.. it's okay." he hugged Sam. "Why does this still bother you? You were fourteeen Sam... it's over." he whispered to his brother.

Only if you knew Dean... Only if you knew... Sam thought as the memories he had locked up in the far reaches of his brain started to hit back. Tears brimmed his eyes and he knew he was going to break down, but not in front of Dean. "Look.. I really gotta go check on Gabe." Sam said and pulled back, going to his room.

Dean looked at Sam leaving and sighed, he was about to leave too when he got an idea and smiled a little. He turned back and started making some hamburgers for his brother and the angels. He knew Sam would be instantly happy at seeing them but the thought of Cas eating something made by Dean's hands gave a twitching and turning feeling to his stomach. He didn't knew what it was or whether he was constipated for God's sake or not but it made his heart beat a little faster and it felt pure. Not the feeling, but the memories the feeling had brought up.

***

Sam went to his room, walking faster than usual and saw Gabe unwrapping a candy as he stood near Sam's desk. Sam ran up to him and hugged him tightly as all the feelings, all the tears and bridled emotions cut loose.

Gabe actually found it hard to breath with Sam squeezing him to what seemed his end and was about to speak for it when he heard Sam sobbing. "Sampot?" he hugged him back, though looked up at the younger Winchester.

***

Cas woke up a few minutes later, though he still felt dizzy. He looked around the room and grabbed the glass of water from his nightstand, taking slow sips of the liquid that soothed his dry throat.

He tried hard to remember what had happened between him and Dean in the kitchen but everything was a blur. And the blurred memories soon turned into confabulations leaving Cas in a crying and sobbing mess. According to the confabulations in his head, he had kissed Dean and Dean had said he hated him now and had to drug Cas to go to sleep.

He cried until his throat felt closing, his eyes were puffed red and tears just stopped coming out. He wiped his eyes and got up, reaching the last drawer on his nightstand and pulling out the angel blade.