Book of Random Rubbish

Past

When I'm old enough, I want to move out of the country and live in Canada, Japan, the Philippines, or some other country. But I know I absolutely can't because I feel so bound to my past. I made many great memories with the people here and with my friends. A majority of my family is here in the U.S., my relatives are buried here on the soil of America. Lolo fought for the Philippines in World War II against Japan, and he moved here to prosper with engineering; he died several years ago and now he is buried somewhere close to my Lola's house. She is also dead and her ashes remain inside of the house so she is still at the house, watching her grandchildren and children in a way. I wish I had more relatives in the Philippines, but I don't know about any relatives from Lolo's side of the family. Lola has brothers in the Philippines, but they cut off connection after a court battle. So maybe the tensions are still high and their part of the family won't accept me. Plus I barely know crud in Tagalog...
As for Japan, I do have relatives there, however I and my parents barely know them. Oba-chan has relatives there and I actually met one a couple years ago, but most of them are either sick or dead. As for Oji-chan's relatives in Japan, I never heard him speak of them before. He and Oba-chan I know are going to be buried here in the U.S. because they already have burial plans and Oji-chan fought for this country too... I may be able to be fluent in Japanese by the time I'm old enough to move...
And for the will to move all together is just... Not that strong. I established strong connections with my living relatives and most of them are here. I planned to go to college here and train to be in the medical profession. I'll deeply miss my friends if I move away because I'm sure they'll all stay here. The entire moving to a separate country thing is difficult because it'll be too expensive and there would probably be zero approval. Despite how I dislike the U.S. because of the major corruption and the hatred towards it (which is understandable), I'll be forever home bound, unless I can let go of my grasp to the past. I hate myself because that's the one thing that will never happen, no matter how much I desire to let go, my heart will always be here in the U.S. because its my home and I care too much about the people around me. Maybe all I need to do is to bring the persimmon tree with me...

There's a strong feeling in myself that desires to kill off the part of me that cares about everything. That feeling is telling me that the reason I can't let go is I care far far too much. People around me give off this message that caring for others deeply is like a gift, but it just feels like a curse. I become overly attached, cry, and I worry over them when it shouldn't be my business. Eh, maybe the whole reason why this dilemma occurs is because I'm pathetic and good for nothing. That would make  a lot of sense...

Anyway, pushing aside the weird stuff, high school is pretty fun. There's quite a few exchange students here and I've already gained a crush on about two of them. .-. One is an exchange student from Germany and he is admittedly, pretty cute. He's the teacher's aide in English, so he's older than me by a few years. Every day, I'm like, "Notice me senpai." 0-0 But he rarely replies to me when I greet him, so it may either be that I'm too quiet or creepy. ._. Probably the creepy part is the reason. The other exchange student I'm familiar with can't speak in English well (when he does, the accent is pretty thick *shot*) but speaks Spanish. So I'm just assuming he came from Spain (by appearance and language). *slapped ten times* Anyway, he sits across from me in Art and is usually very quiet. Considering he came here about a few weeks ago, I'm trying to bring myself to just befriend him. But sadly, I'm just too shy. =7=  These foreign boys are always so cute-- *slapped one million times*
High school is weird. Plus there's always couples around the campus kissing and holding each other VERY OFTEN. =_= It's just puts off a bad vibe whenever I look, and then by instinct, I just constantly whisper or think, "PDA! PDA! PDA!" And quickly walk away. Please. No more people. I know you're all rather horny and/or affectionate, but please stop kissing in public at school. Save that for when you're alone. It'll be more romantic too if you do that. Some people just don't appreciate it when you do that. Do you people even have lungs?