Book of Random Rubbish

Dear おとうと

How many times have I put up with your crud? How many times have I put up with your whining and complaining? How many times have I pretended that I didn't care that you said you hated me and wanted me to dies painfully? How many times have I just simply dealt with you? I've lost track now, but I'm certain it's been far too many. Yet, you still don't feel my true wrath, even though you probably deserve it. We've fought countless times, but when you've seen me "angry", it isn't my raw anger. Just a small degree of it.
You're too violent for goodness sakes and take video games far too seriously. Always yelling and cursing in frustration at the blinking screen if just one miniature thing goes wrong. If I tell you to get off and do something important, you just tell me to "fuck off" or hit me. When it comes to anime, you're always lying in bed in your underwear, watching approximately ten episodes in one day. Occasionally when I bother you, you curse at me like a sailor and complain because I interrupted you in the middle of something you can always watch again. Whenever you go with Mom to pick me up from a long day of volunteering at a place full of children, you'd whine about being tired and accuse me about being lazy, when you were the one who just slacked practically all day. Where is the logic in that?! Well, there is none, you're just being lazy like a freakin' sloth!
Dear brother, you always insult me, sometimes for no reason while others the reason is ridiculous. Sometimes, you'd just pop into my room for no reason, except to call me a "dumbass" or something along the lines of that. "Retard", "bitch", "fag", "fucker", "fatass" etc. Just, please, can you say my actual name more often? Every time you call me a retard, I die a little inside. In fact, any of those make me die a little. Whenever I'm slow about something, you fire profanities at me. If I make a mistake, you call me stupid or idiot, even if it were a small mistake. Sure, I insult you too, but not as much or harshly. You just seem to love to criticize all my actions, do you? Have you forgotten my memory lays in the dumps, that I can forget things in a snap? Why? Just why?
It seems like I'm always your punching bag. If I hit you, it's usually because you hit me. I'm sorry for all those times though because who knows, I could've broken one of your body parts. But I remember those times where'd you just hit me and laugh, calling me fat and occasionally call me weak. I remember that time where you hit me on the butt so severely that you sprained my tailbone and it was agonizing pain to sit. That was when I was in FIFTH grade. That other time where you push kicked me on my back and fell on the shelf of vegetables at the Mexican market still remains a fresh memory. It's always like your dishing out punches and kicks to me along with your words.
Sure I can be annoying, but it wouldn't hurt if you couldn't be so dramatic and overreactive. You always seem to take something to a higher level. If I drag you out of bed, later in the day I'll see you threatening me with a sharp kitchen knife. .-. It would help to be more calm and intelligent when you're feeling angry.
Oji-chan, Oba-chan, and practically all the relatives think you're a fairly good boy. At least you can usually act like a good role model around your cousins when you need to be. You can get great grades in school and do fairly well. You make Mom and Dad proud when you get great grades. You can be a great person when you aren't irritated or angry and we get along well. Those times are really fun and lovely. It wouldn't hurt you to be like that more, would it?
I can't help but have this feeling that you'd like me better if I was a boy. An actual brother, not a tomboyish sister. Well, there's no way I'm switching genders and I prefer being a girl. I'm sorry that I can't be a brother to you, but I'm trying my best to be the greatest big sister. Even if I do bother you, I only want what's best for you. Why can't you understand that? Would you care if I all of the sudden died?

Is the way your turning out my fault? Heck, this is the biggest question that lurks around in my head. You don't listen to me though. When you were younger, I'd treat you like my child and I did a great job when I did. Most of the YouTubers you're always watching (when you aren't watching anime or gaming) seem to have a negative, angry attitude towards many stuff. Apparently, I don't have much of an influence in your life (other people and YouTube does) unless it involves school or family. So you have to deal with being considered my younger brother when you get one of my old teachers. You're capable of going beyond me, I can just feel it. But if the pressure stresses you out, then I'm sorry. I'm sorry about every burden I brought into your life. But if you blame me for every fault in your life, it's your own mess that you created.

When I reply, "I love you" when you say "Fuck you", I actually mean it. You're important to me, your my precious little brother who I don't want people to hurt. So basically I failed, but I'm doing my best, I swear. You're one of my top ten people who I care for most, which is saying a lot since I care about many. I will never stop caring for you, even though you probably want me dead in a pool of my own blood. If I say I'm done with you, I know I truly won't be. Even though you're the one person who can hurt me the most (because people who aren't family have no effect). Even though you're bullying me, I still love you as a little brother. I just hold onto this small glimmer of hope that you do too.

My apologies if I bothered you in some way by writing this, but I just needed to get this off of my chest. Thank you for reading and have a great day! ^_^