Broken, Flawed & Living (Discontinued)

Chapter Twenty-Five

"Look at you..." there was nothing recognizable about the face staring me back. His past fights mocked him. Pure confliction molded his features. His muscles tensed and grew uncomfortable in a suit he did look proud in. So who was he? "You're nothing like Anthony..." The simple question was better asked proudly. Who was he? Clear and crisp as day you could see how his skin trembled under an overwhelming sense of pressure. In the pure confliction was a mixture of fear and calmness. However those two worked themselves out somehow. "You're nervous and scared and you don't know what to fucking do with life right now."

In what hell did he shadow a broken, unstable being such as Anthony Houston? He more than mirrored the temperamental boy of Arthur and Vera, struggling to understand the mind of their littlest son. A temperamental boy with feelings beyond his control, scaring him more than he deserved. A temperamental boy realizing and understanding his own faults, something Anthony lacked very much of. He had ways to go growing up into the fine man his friends and family – Oliver - and the boy next door he crushed on thought of him as.

He mirrored a boy with emotion. True, raw emotion his eyes took after. Though he restrained against staining his clothes for the Winter Festival took part today.

Being in the comfort and solitary of his own bathroom gave him this freedom. A lot of hours alone laying on his bed, one arm underneath his head and his eyes up at the ceiling did so. A lot of cramps in his hands writing told the story, too. In front of anyone else but his friends and family, he couldn't muster a touch of a storm. Though even in front of them he hid back the thunder and the lightening and just previewed a taste of the rain. So it begged the question, "How much did my anger eat away?"

How much of his life did Anthony rob because he couldn't fucking get his shit together?

But the question that took him back was, "how could I even smile?" Maybe the better question was what the hell was wrong with me? "I don't even know... so fuck you, Chance." Something was wrong with me alright.

A boy growing old finally.

But I took in what pride left in me because of that very smile. All because the pressure of seeing him again wavered those very raw emotions. Kept growing my body uncomfortable and left my skin in fear. Though the tears were realized by the revelation of who I was growing up as, this smile assured the confliction on my face. That pure mixed combination of what the fuck in simpler terms. Because... what the hell was I feeling?

He was just a boy I knew. A friend. My ex. So this... whatever this was beating against my heart and mind... why? It hadn't been a damn week and look how much trouble he got my body into. I knew if I saw him... caught his eyes on him, his lips taking part of my attention away, my body reacting to his language... if I ever listened to his personality speak again and realize how much he jerked me around for the rush again I once felt... I can't wait till after I get myself together or what?

Though, maybe I shouldn't complain. He took up a lot of the time I gave to my mind. Relegated the thoughts of Anthony and Shane away from the dark corners of my mind and actually to the back. But this was a priority to me. Accepting what they had done and accepting that I was a boy growing up again.

I also knew how much regret and guilt would make my body foreign to his. The shame over my own incompetence at stabilizing a damn relationship without hurting them – and I used to say I'd never hurt the guys I've liked. How did that turn out? Once. Twice. Now three times. Karma was a strong bitch. The irony in how many more chances could I get. Honestly, how could my boy next door crush like me? What was appealing of me in his eyes?

Really, what did he feel?

I mean, sure, his personality went shy, his body warmed by the looks of it and most likely he felt fuzzy all around the first times. Then the days kicked in and he got comfortable as did I. But deeper in the year he fell confused and curious and like depression's fool, I gave back lies and half-assed truths. Why did I ever think he wouldn't understand? Everyone else did. My mom for fuck's sake and I for sure thought she'd side with Shane and not believe a single piece of my story. But she did. I had to trust her like a child should.