Broken, Flawed & Living (Discontinued)

Chapter Ten

The last thing I wanted on my mind was Thomas. The last damn thing. His body close to mine, my fingers latched around his arms, steadying him, the fresh smell of... I didn't even fucking know what but it smelt damn good to me. As cliché as that sounded. Just last night did I stay up, not remembering my pain, not exhausting myself with the thought of leaving the world and my family, but the thought of Thomas this close. We weren't even doing anything I kinda dreamed about a few times but... I enjoyed my time being this close.

His awkward shifts, stuttered breath and irregular heartbeats made it all clear to me. And I couldn't believe as an amateur psychologist I never picked it up before. I knew what I said about knowing the difference between admiration in determination and beauty, and admiration in something more than just friends. But I misread, something I did a lot and deluded myself for the sole fact I never wanted to harm Thomas in any way. I was a big, intimidating guy and yet Thomas looked right past that, and I now knew what his eyes said when I first went back to how he looked at me in just a towel that day.

He admired me, his eyes showing that was a beautiful man on the outside and that's nice and all, but they also admired me in a way where he looked at me as a mystery, waiting for all the clues to line up. My second class, Personality Psychology, a solid background in the numerous theories of personality development, including Freudian, psycho social, behavioural, humanistic and existential theories dabbled in the arts of attraction. Of how the mind perceived others attractive and others not so. Like how the standard beauty in today's society were curvy, athletic woman and lean built men like Chris.

Tori sure never lived by those standards and I... I did fall for him, who that build society desired men to have. But then again, I had the biggest crush on Lee, the better brother of the Carter siblings.

"There's a lot you can read in someone's eyes, how they walk and act and how they carry themselves – that can tell you a lot about their personality. But there's a lot you can learn from it, too, and how attracted they are to certain things and people. Human Nature," Mr. Hawken once said. And that I realized, for some odd reason now, this close to Thomas, his awkward and adorable personality hinted towards a man who felt a strong attraction to me like I did him.

Personality referred to a pattern of thoughts, feelings, social adjustments... it predicted reactions to others and since we stepped foot in Arrow, the minute I began training him I followed his patterns. Now it didn't even make any damn sense how attraction and personality came one in hand until I looked at the bigger picture. With Tori, Thomas was open, loud-mouthed and quite a funny guy and yet around me, reserved, awkward. His personality always differed around different people and it wasn't like he changed, it was just a behavioural thing. You know?

I bet I don't make a damn sense but I do understand it.

Chris was right. He was actually right and I wouldn't tell him that. Who knows what the guy would do once he heard that – I'd never live it down.

Psychology was just a cluster-fuck in my mind, but it made sense after a while and I understood. I understood Thomas liked me more than I thought. So would I honestly take that risk? Would I?

All I've wanted to do was hold him closer, keep him wrapped in a loving embrace as we just talked about anything really. All I've wanted were those lips on mine and I bet he felt the same way, so would I be stupid enough to take the risk and ruin such a great friendship I have with him now? He didn't know my story, not all of it and I wasn't sure when I'd be ready. Thomas didn't feel ready to even tell me his feelings but I suspected he figured I was into girls only.

All I've wanted... was just someone else who I loved and cared for and protected, who never reminded me one bit of him.

So would I take that risk...?