Broken, Flawed & Living (Discontinued)

Chapter Twenty-Four

"It's a bad day for rain..."

I knew his eyes were on me, understanding, but I couldn't dare look and see how much he picked me apart for how I'd been acting. The disappointment. The 'you were a fucking asshole' line. Ha... I couldn't dare see how broken I was in them.

What a damn fool I was to believe I was better. To even think I was prepared for a life at College. Honestly pathetic...

"Chance, it's not... oh." Life went all to shit again. Déjà vu. Could I pick it back up this time? Hold it steady till I died? "Yes... yes it is." Who knows?

A damn fool like me sunk another anchor and who'd know where else I'd find another. Someone with potential of understanding me, keeping me grounded like the ones I should be holding on dear to before I broke their patience again. But I doubted it – finding another anchor like Tori and Chris. Another guy I could hold and explore something other than strictly pleasure for the body. I doubted a guy would want a broken man – as I could call myself one. I pissed off my friends and family and certainly kept leaving Thomas in the dirt like he was dumb, mangy dog. Instead of being a boy, I was that dumb, mangy dog. Biting off the string I held dear to for reassurance I was ready. For reassurance I was comfortable, of a reason to live and I also kept digging my own grave = thinking I was in search of some bones to give me a smile.

Wow, fuck me. How could I fool myself so easily? No black and a muscular build could erase the little, cheery – but somewhat temperamental – boy of Arthur and Vera, brother of Tori and... and Shane. The little athletic nerd who loved his comics and games and archery. I couldn't erase all that I was, everything I loved because I was naïve and ignorant of all the things Anthony had done. Of all the things I had done since that day; giving my sister three scares, putting my best friend, practically the brother before me through more confusion and letting my parents argue over what they didn't know of their son.

Honestly... what a fool I am. There was a lot more to me than I thought. A lot more Oliver probably wouldn't be able to aid me with. And the only person I honestly believed who could listen but understand and help was the brother I took up a walk and talk with – he was more of a brother than Shane. And there shouldn't even be a reason to not say his name anymore. Not even Anthony's... because then they'd leave me intimidated and I couldn't sit back and watch how much they affected me when they weren't even around.

I shouldn't be scared to become a man like him or Shane, because I know what man I wanted to become. My friends and family were guiding me on that path and I walked away from it – being persuaded an all. Veering off into the forest and here I was getting back on that path.

There was no more reason to hide and continuously fall prey to depression. It damaged too much inside.

What a real bad day for rain...

Soothing how audible his laugh came in just now. "You could freeze to death at the rate this rain is coming." Man, how did he bring a smile when it rained? The mysteries of this boy.

"Maybe winter shouldn't be so fucked then."

"Yeah... but you can't always blame a season for doing its job."

"For doing it better than I did my own... yeah, I think I got a right to do so."

He left the winter air speaking. A good moment.

I mean, yeah, I couldn't blame a season for its job, but when it did better than I did my own, I think I got a right to complain. To feel jealous and envy how well in line it kept with itself while I jerked around too many times in these years. I got a right to complain, blame and feel jealous. Because these were things I put on myself. Letting the stress strain others when it was only supposed to bother me.