Broken, Flawed & Living (Discontinued)

Chapter Twenty-Two

Christmas day. One of those lovely holidays. A time with family. Friends. A time for celebration and peace. Just laugh. Enjoy yourself. Be expressive and happy and comfortable. Exchange gifts you made or brought to show how much gratitude you have for whomever you cherish dear to your heart and mind. A lover. A friend. Didn't matter. Christmas was a day for people being together – with your family.

And I wasn't.

Didn't even buy anyone a gift for that matter because I was an asshole these past couple of weeks or so. And I realized now how pathetic I truly was. Now I couldn't understand what Thomas in me – how I had friends and a family still. But I hoped that turned around soon. Hoped I'd led them through a path I chose to search for in my forest finally. Because it was a really funny story.

"It's funny, really," I began. "I thought I'd be fine. I thought I'd be better. I thought I was fixed." How wrong I was. "Sure, it helped me stay calm and relaxed, but put me on edge half the time. Made me hostile and rude. And it's funny how I went through this exact same thing when I was nineteen and I didn't even remember any of it. I'm an asshole."

He first thought I was crazy when I declined his offer for a smoke. I knew better, and he listened without the need to smoke himself. "Yeah, you're an asshole, alright. And a sexual deviant."

That my perked my interest to a point where I thought he was lying. "Am I really? Was I?" I doubted it. I explored a lot of my sexuality before College, I knew what I wanted after my failed attempts of a relationship, but I stopped doing that after it gave me nothing in return. Just a way to satisfy my sexual desires and nothing more. It got boring and I realized there had to be a sort of emotional attachment to the person I was fucking in order for me to feel quite happy and glad and just proud.

I continued. "The only time I've tried being sexual with anyone in College is... was my ex and that was such a dumbass thing to do. Anthony... used to be like that with me..." And I paid no attention to that part of our relationship. Just brushing it off because he blinded me with his love.

A brow quirked on him as he laid back in the couch. "So you don't remember any of the night before?" I shook my head. His head pulled back and his face fell in shock. "Wow. Then let me just say you're not much of a heavyweight at all."

"Nah... I've never got drunk before. It doesn't happen. I didn't cheat." I couldn't have. Not on Thomas.

"You've never gone the full nine yards, but you kinda cheated. More than once," he said. He kind of cocked his head to the side, flashed a quick grin and lowered it in a smirk. "Kayla sure loved it."

Man, am I serious? "Ah, fuck me so hard..." Even if, by the hands of a God, Thomas and I got back together after I bettered myself once and for all, how would I explain that? How could he forgive me if I didn't forgive myself?

Leone did the same thing and Thomas decided not getting back with him. Though Thomas showed signs of their past relationship affecting him, he never let it be an end all, be all kind of thing. It didn't drag him down from trying to be friends again. He simply forgave him.

Ah, fuck my pessimism.

"But honestly..." Andrew shifted in spot, leaning over on his thighs. A questioned face for answers. "Why are you now realizing all of this? I've tried telling you – everyone has tried."

"Yeah, I know. I was too fucking stupid to listen to any of it." So very blinded. "Oliver said something to me a long while back, when I first started this bullshit, and I've been thinking about it ever since yesterday and I realize how much sense it makes. Its sounds stupid, but really... it's something that's been part of my life. This'll sound cliché, but when I left the house, Shane and his family came by. He has a beautiful wife, Monique, who gave birth to a beautiful little girl, Angeline, as adorable as Christian and the minute I looked into her eyes... I couldn't help but actually smile like hers."